Eurovision final review: OMG Azerbaijan!

I watched this year’s final with another generic Eurovision fan, plus an “alternative fan” (that means his favorite acts are Eldrine and Verka Serduchka), with a bottle of soda and a bag of chips. Cousin was nowhere to be seen and my brother is dead scared of Eurovision, so it was just the three of us.

This year’s final was a giant postcard interrupted every now and then by songs. Seriously, Azerbaijan took the “Eurovision as a platform to promote your country” very seriously.  If they spent a shitload of money on building a concert hall just for the contest, they might as well make the most from it, but if we get to know Baku ad nauseam just from the postcards, why would we need to go? That’s not smart.

The opening was pretty much Beijing Olympics indoors, with flying people, a globe, traditional dancers, drums and fire. Also, rainfire and Ell & Nikki lipsyncing to themselves. Quite spectacular, to be honest.

It had three presenters and I don’t remember any of them. Not even Eldar.

Good ‘ole Engelbert from UK was truly nice, you know. I liked the idea of things appearing and disappearing, although I would have preferred it to stay that way, this is the kind of song that doesn’t need a grandiose ending. Still, placing 25th out of 26 is really unfair

You know Hungary is artistic because they have rock and don’t care about the lights. Hum… no, thanks. Still, is a good thing that we get to see the catwalk in use this early. 24th. Whatever.

Time for Albania. What exactly where they thinking, I don’t know. Here she comes with knives on her ears, the most horrible dress she could find, a ball on her head, zero backing and a dreadlock that looks like a rope that looks like a piece of poo stuck on her chest. Seriously, this is so agressively non-Eurovision that I don’t know how they dared to bring it. And then she SINGS, and none of it matters. Even if the song is also truly non-Eurovisive, it doesn’t matter at all. She’s just that amazing. Fifth, and still too low. But wow.

When you’re as hot as Donny from Lithuania, you can get away with anything, and that includes an in-your-face blindfold, and pretending to touch himself infront of 100 million people. That takes balls… nevermind. 14th. If it was for looks alone he would have won and God knows it.

Bosnia and Herzegovina was all about pissing the hosts. Did you build the biggest LED screen in Eurovision history? How about me using them to project nothing at all? Also, I’m gonna use your fans for a total of ten seconds. Live with it. I wasn’t convinced when I watched it first, but after several months the whole staging looks a lot better than it dit back in May. Still, I don’t care about your placing. Oh, well, 18th. Meh.

A year ago, with the sand drawings from Ukraine, I wondered if next year would bring knitting, sculping, or… baking. Well, someone in Russia apparently reads my blog: Say hello to the Buranovskiye Babushki! This is one of the most random things ever to grace the contest. I know it was kinda cute and funny, but didn’t make sense. And still, it placed second. Good to know it’s one of those things that can only work once.

Iceland had an amazing act brought down by dozens of little failures. Too much light, too much smiling, bad camerawork and seriously, the backing singers should have staid out of sight.  The song is still great, but honestly, I can understand it flunked. 20th. As I said, I can understand it.

Why, Cyprus, why? Why did you have to send such a great song, with such a horrible singer? Seriously, if it wasn’t for Ivi’s voice, this would be top 5 material hands down. Why, Cyprus? 16th Just… why?.

The problem with France is their completely random-ish show. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for veils, fans and shirtless men (Duh!) but they have to make sense to work, and here they don’t. Her alone onstage would’ve worked a lot better, I think. 22nd and nil points from televote. This is the closest France has been to lose outright in forever.

Italy needs some warm lights. Full stop. Seriously, the song is great and the staging is decent, but this just looks too… cold. 9th. I’m not sure if she deserved it, but not mad she got it.

Estonia is perfection made man and song. That’s all there’s to say. 6th. Justice is nowhere to be found.

Norway is giving us a cheesy disco stomper. I didn’t even know that could exist, but… wow. This is at the same time one of the best things and one of the worst things in the contest. I like it, but really. Last. With less points than poor Josh from UK.

Azerbaijan built the biggest LED screen in Eurovision history so they could ditch it and project things in the singer’s dress instead. No kidding.
The song is the most generic thing of the night, but at least the performance is good. Have you heard the ethnic version, in azeri language and with traditional arranges? Because is a thousand times better. Maybe then it would’ve been worthy a top 10. 4th. You’ve gotta be kidding me, Europe.

Romania’s still not giving a fuck. They’re just giving us some delicious camp with the worst Spanish I’ve ever heard, and I love them so much for that. 12th. Not that I really cared, you know.

Denmark is just as interesting as waiting for a bus for three hours with nothing to do. Why this song got written, I don’t know. Why someone performs it, I don’t know. Why it won it’s national final, and why it qualified to the final are a complete mistery. I still can’t stand it. 23rd. Told you, Denmark.

Thank God for Greece. Thanks for their camp, their sirtaki, that thing that’s not even a dress, the rythm, and not even trying to hide that all the singing is actually done in the background. This is exactly what I needed to awaken right now. 17th. Damn, how the migthy have fallen, five years ago this would have placed third at the very least!

And then it comes… well, Sweden.  Yeah, a great staging and stuff, but I didn’t find it THAT amazing. I mean, it’s a decent winner and I liked it (specially the slow camera fall at the very end), and I’m not angry she won, but I still think it’s overrated, and I think there were better songs this year.  Winner by a country mile, of course. If it has to be…

You could very well get stoned before you watch Turkey, because it must make a lot more sense that way. There’s some batmanesque coreography, sailor motifs and a cape-made boat. For real. M-mn, not joking. There’s a friggin’ boat onstage and it has nothing to do with the song. Maybe I should smoke some pot and rewatch this. What worries me is that it still placed 7th. Drug consumption in Europe must be off the ceiling.

The problem with Spain is not the song, because it’s pretty good. Ain’t the singer, either, because man, she CAN sing. The problem is the dress. It’s a beautiful white dress strapled on top of a flesh colored something that we’re not supposed to see, but it’s pretty obvious. Ugh. Also, the lights from behind remind us that she’s nude under that dress. Not infront of the children, Spain!. 10th.

Germany is nice, but quite forgettable. Good show, good song, good singer. Yeah. That. Not anything that Estonia hasn’t done better this year. 8th. Without a single twelve. That’s pretty impressive, but then again, Estonia did it better.

Malta managed to bring the best out of a bland pop act and make it wonderful. The foot movements are just the top of the cake. I love all in this act. 21st. Europe must be blind.

And… here comes Kaliopi, basking on her own amazingness. She starts with a simple, easy ballad. Alternative fan doesn’t look impressed. Then she switches to ROCK! and Alternative fan does a spit take. Then she gives us her epic scream, and Alternative fan is just too shocked to comment. And I. AM. IN. LOVE. Thirteenth. Like, what the fuck, Europe.

Jedward doesn’t bother to jump to their fountain until the very end, so I’m not gonna bother with them. 19th, in case you were wondering.

I don’t get the Zeljko love that much. Yeah, not bad, but not either anything we haven’t seen before, and the show is a tad too simple for the song and it lacks punch. I would place it around tenth or so, but Europe doesn’t agree with me, it seems. Because it places third somehow.

Because you need to save on small stuff when you care bringing your own LED screens, Ukraine is wearing toilet paper strips and has the most repetitive lyrics in the night. You know this is gonna be awful when she uses her voice to acompany the trumpets. Yup, not even the shirtless musicians can save this. Sorry, Ukraine. But hey, nice way to get around the people onstage limit. 15th, and not low enough.

And we close with Moldova, with something Georgia wouldn’t dare sending to Junior Eurovision. I don’t know who in Moldova gets these ideas, I just hope they never run out of drugs. 11th, somehow.

The interval act is some more minutes of Azeri selfworship, plus the hottest guy in the night with a pointless song, and then the votes that get boring quite fast.

Loreen also wins 2 Marcels, and the third goes to Azerbaijan. The Barbara Dex somehow evades Jedward and goes to Albania instead. WHAT.

Eurovision review: Let the bad songs rob the second semi!

The first semi did things quite good. I mean, all the nonqualifiers, or nearly all, didn’t have final quality, so I was quite content with the results. Here, on the other hand…

We start with Zeljko and Kaliopi. Allthe Balkans but Greece, Montenegro and Albania play in this semi, so we shouldn’t be surprised that they pass.

Joan Franka had, hands down, one of the best songs of the semi and she didn’t pass. Even if the delivery was far from perfect and the dress was an exageration, she. SHOULD. HAVE. PASSED. Justice is crying.

Then it comes Malta which surprised me quite dearly by earning their pass, and then Belarus, with a staging far better than Switzerland and Hungary, but with the same generic bland rock song. Seriously, I can barelly tell those songs apart.

Portugal has the best backgroun since LEDS were invented and a terrific song. The camerawork could be better and she had a minor slip at the beginning, but we know the main failure of this was not being Balkan. Or Soviet, because Gaitana passes with something far, far worse.

Bulgaria spent all their money on fireworks and couldn’t rent dancers, so Sofi Marinova spends three minutes parading alone onstage, with a huge boxing belt holding her breasts in place. I’m not sure if they qualify as Balkan, but for sure they didn’t get Balkan love.

Slovenia was better than expected, but still I can’t forgive them for not sending A Si Sanjal Me, so.. sorry.

What? Croatia didn’t pass either? I mean, yes, she was wearing the most horrible dress of the year, but in a five Balkan semi (six, if we count Bulgaria) I’m amazed she didn’t qualify. Even if she deserves it for not bringing the veil.

Sweden qualifies, of course, and of course, Georgia doesnt. They actually did a good job with a deliciously camp staging and a suit I would like to wear, but nothing, NOTHING, can save a song when it is this bad.

Turkey passes (duh!) and Estonia passes (yay!), but Slovakia is.. well… Slovakia, so they stay on the semi with a song that would give Turkey a top six. Max might be rocking the stage, I don’t know. All I know is he has a great torso and a nice butt.

Then they come Norway, Bosnia and Lithuania, and all of them pass.

Azerbaijan is so much of a diva that they got the winners of five years to do an interval on a SEMIFINAL. What they didn’t know is that for an interval the winners meant “drunk karaoke”. Dima at his gayest, Lena at her creepiest, Marija at her butchiest, random Alexander and Ell and Nikki who clearly haven’t seen each other since they won and didn’t care. For Waterloo, Dima either sings so bad that they cut his micro, or he was thinking nobody would notice we wasn’t even attempting shit. Extra points to Zeljko not singing along to Molitva and smiling patronisingly, while Kalilopi goes full force on it. And Tooji happy like a puppy with Fairytale was the cutest thing ever.

Let’s go to the final!

Eurovision review,: First semi of yawn.

I know, around… four months later? Whatever, the songs aren’t going anywhere,so here it is.

This is only a first semi review, which means only non qualifiers are shown. Aaaaanddd… here we go.

Since we’re only getting started, what a worse choice could we make than Rambo Amadeus from Montenegro, dressed like a cheap Nazgul? Seriously, they came back for this? I know he thinks he’s making a point, but seriously.

Then we have Iceland, who did their best to ruin ther song, and Greece who didn’t even need to do their best.

Dear Anmary, why did you replace your cowgirls with flight attendants? Why do you shake your boobs at us? And why…? Weirdweirdweird… you improved a lot since Eirodziesma, girl, but still I’m glad you didn’t qualify. Sorry. The problem isn’t you, or your dress (dazzling, baby!), but your horrible, lame, horrible song. You’re a wasted diva.

Then we have the least and the most danceworthy songs of the pack, one after the other, and then it’s time for Switzerland. It’s all a chain of swimagansteseem and unbreakable that, honestly, is really boring. I don’t get how can somebody call it a gem.

Belgium at least tried to build an atmosphere. Not saying I love her, but it’s a nice effort for a barely out of Junior Eurovision girl. Still, it’s quite forgettable, but not bad bad, just… plain.

Finland is maybe just as plain, but quite better done. Pernilla knows how to stand under a spotlight, can deliver a subtle and underhanded folk, and I’m pretty sure whe would have qualified had she worn a full length dress. But you can’t have everything. The only nonqualifier that I think was clearly good enough to deserve a spot in the final.

I’ll have two of whatever the guys from Israel had. Bouncing clocks, weird faces, random camerawork and the guys from the catwalk really whould jump in every performance of the contest. Not sure if they should have qualified, though.

San Marino, on the other had, is the only non qualifier that I think was bad enough to deserve a spot in the final, but I would’ven’t minded a little more open trolling. Still, I’m mad at Europe for not voting this.

Time for Cyprus, whom I glad they passed, Denmark that should have staid instead of Finland, Russia just because what the fuck, Switze… sorry, Hungary, and…

The last nonqualifier is Austria, which fullfilled all my expectatives. Too bad that I only expected the worst from them. Saying more would be painful.

The last two songs are weird-but-enjoyable-as-always Moldova, and weird-and-not-at-all-enjoyable Ireland. I’m actually surprised that most of the songs I loathed managed to stay on the semifinal, and most of my favorites passed. Thanks, Europe. But I’m still mad at you for not passing San Marino.

The interval acts was a truckload of drums and Azeri tapdancing, with more drums on the second half and some shots of Jedward headbanging and Eleftheria doing the sirtaki. I swear it’s more interesting than it sounds.

Let’s see how things go on the second semi.

Anything Goes.

No hay derecho a hacerme esto. Ya había comentado lo injusto que es vestir a Mr. Red de traje, y van y lo visten de MARINERO. Esto es cruel. Es… tortura. Es… ejem, centrémonos.

Anything Goes es lo que conseguiríamos si les diéramos el libreto de Titanic a los chicos de Smosh y les pidiéramos convertirlo en musical. Es tremendamente errático, todo el tiempo te deja pensando que TODO todo mundo tras bambalinas se volvió loco, y en resumen, es genial.

Un resumen de la trama. Nuestro valiente protagonista es un corredor de bolsa:

que se mete de polizón a un barco siguiendo a su amada, que está a punto de casarse por dinero con un Lord Inglés al que no ama.

Se mete sin pasaporte, sin dinero, y dejando descuidada la venta de una empresa que le había encomendado su jefe. Que también va en el barco y tontea con la mamá de la amada del protagonista.

Añadamos unos personajes secundarios fabulosos: Moonface Norecuerdoqué, enemigo público número trece, desvergonzado profesional e interpretado por un robaescenas que sabía poner exactamente estas expresiones faciales:

Reno Sweeney, la evangelista más sexy de la televisión, interpretada por Music Angel (que salvo por que se le escuchaba la voz un tanto cansada en los agudos, brilló como nunca):

Dos chinos adictos al juego y al alcohol, la amiga de Moonface que se dedica a seducir marineros, el jefe del protagonista, la mamá de la amada, el lord inglés… creo que ningún personaje sobra, todos encajan para hacer… algo. Algo genial.

Y luego, pongamos música. con al menos dos canciones que no tenía idea de que fueran de aquí, pero que ya había visto antes, como “Make them laugh” y “You´re the top”:

Ahora, licuemos todo y sirvamos bien frío.

Todavía no estoy seguro de qué es lo que vi, pero me divertí como enano.

(Tengo pendientes tres posts sobre Eurovisión y uno sobre las elecciones. Pero ahora mismo el plan es una ensalada con tajín y pensar cómo voy a interpretar los datos de la tesis. Y tratar de conseguir que el teclado de la lap escriba en español, que es horrible no poder escribir eñes ni acentos en mi propia compu)

Debate, debate.

Una semana o algo así después del debate de los candidatos a la presidencia mexicana. Y la única cosa segura es que, sea quien sea el que quede, va a ser malo para el país.

Las boletas necesitan incluir la opción “Nada de lo anterior”.

(Me extendería más, pero me deprime)

Eurovision 2012: What should have been.

As I said in the comment, nearly half of the songs this year have something wrong about them. They’re either plain, bad, mediocre, bad trolls or… something. So, if you excuse me, I’m gonna  use this post to paint my owh little happy world about what should have been sent instead.

First of all, Montenegro should have sent anything else instead of Euro Neuro for reasons of absolute boringness. I can’t say what because they didn’t hold a final, but nearly anything would’ve been worked.

Latvia, for reasons of the song being lousy, should have sent some other act instead of Anmary. The best one on the national final was Andris Abelite with “Pedejais vards” but on the previous round there were some amazing songs that didn’t qualify to the final. My favourite was “We are not in Rome” that didn’t even make it to the second round. I can’t link to any of the songs because both got deleted, but trust me, they were perfect. And they didn’t even tell us the artist of the second one. (BTW, if somebody knows who composed and/or performed that, you will get my eternal gratitude).

Switzerland, for reason of her being awesome, should have sent Lys Motherfucking Assia with “C’etait ma vie”. She’s nearly ninety and she still can outclass 90% of bitches around. Being Switzerland, her chances to win would be just as zero as with Sinplus, but sending in someone who had won this contest before all the contestants but Russia and UK were born would have been a first class “fuck you” in the face of Europe. Also, it’s been proven that this year belongs to the old generations, so she DESERVED it.

Denmark, for reasons of the song being so boring I cant’ hear more than half of it, should have known better and sent in Jesper with “Take our hearts”. Jesper was good, he probably had at least top 10 guaranteed, quite possibly top 5, specially on a year like this. Soluna… I think she’s doomed.

Austria, for reasons of their entry being awful should have sent instead the fabulous Conchita Wurst with “That’s what I am” . But I guess the host would be uncomfortable having around a proud crossdresser with a beard preventing them to pretend they don’t know she’s not a woman. And the song being a LGBT pride anthem didn’t help either. I changed my mind, Trackshittaz are perfect for Baku. Objecizing asses is a lot less likely to get lynched than a message about being true to yourself. The world somethimes scares me.

Netherlands… well, I love Joan, but to be honest, they should have sent Ivan Peroti with “Take me As I Am”, for reasons of him being really good and having better chances to at least passing to the final than Joan.

Malta, for reasons of blandness and a certain lack of appeal, should have gone instead for one of the Faniello siblings. Either Claudia channeling Chiara/Whitney Houston of Fabrizio channeling a heterosexual male with a daughter. Either would do.

Ukraine, for reasons of an infinite superiority over the badness package that won, should have sent Max Barsikh with “Dance”. But I guess they didn’t want to look like they were copying Eric/Tooji, so we have to deal instead with the worst song Ukraine’s ever sent.

Slovenia, for reasons of absolute amazing quality, should have sent Eva Boto, yeah, but with “A si sanjal me” instead of “Verjamem”. The ballad is a little boring, while this hits all the right buttons at once. What was Slovenia thinking, really?

Georgia, for more than obvious reasons, should have sent ANY other song in their national final. Seriously, they picked the worst one and it seems they picked it for being the worst. My personal choice would have been REMA with “Feel me”. It’s not like they’re impressively good, but they are worlds apart from the joker..

Some other potential choices: How about Adele for UK? And while I love Roman, Ornella di Santis would have also been a nice choice for Germany.

If I were an Eurovision country

These would be my points:

12: Iceland

10: Italy

8: Estonia

7: Greece

6: Cyprus

5: Portugal

4: Germany

3: Lithuania

2: Serbia

1: France

The winner quality club opens its doors to: Iceland, Estonia, Portugal, France and Italy.

The ones who fall a little short: Greece, because even I have to admit it’s too generic. Cyprus, because we’re still to see a good live delivery. Lithuania, because he HAS to fix his performance. Germany because his song is lacking something, I don’t know what, Serbia because he needs a stronger buildup, and Sweden because there’s no substance behind all that style.

Best song overall: Iceland, of course. I think we haven’t seen anything this good on this style since Greece 2001.

Best show overall on the preview: Quite predictably, Sweden.

Worst song overall: Georgia and Austria. I can’t pick one.

Shittiest song overall: I was about to say Austria, but no. San Marino.

Overall, the cutest guy is Ott Lepland from Estonia, and the hottest guy is Roman Lob from Germany. The cutest girl is Joan Franka from Netherlands and the hottest girl is Eleftheria from Greece, but it’s not like the female pool this year was that extraordinary.

This is The Big Six giving a shit.

Well, yeah, this year the automatic finalists (The Big Five plus Azerbaijan) got together a pretty good collective act:

United Kingdom: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love will set you free

Yeah… he’s dead and buried because he opens the final, but my, what an opening. I love his voice and the ballad is quite good. I’m about to bet UK surprised everybody by announcing this guy as their representative, and then as making him turn out pretty good.

France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)

May I say I consider plain stupid the idea of using a title for a song, and then another one in parentheses? And may I say this is the only thing I DON’T like about this song? It’s a delicious upbeat act with great beat and perfect for the singer. The only thing it needs to be absolutely amazing is a stronger closure.

Italy: Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out of love)

What did I say about titles in parentheses? And what did I say about delicious? Not that I didn’t like “Per sempre”, but I loved the change. Maybe more Italian would be good for the song, but this hits all the right buttons. Just one thing: what’s with the “boom boom”? Between this and Russia, I’m thinking Emmy was months ahead of her time.

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeba – When the music dies

The weakest song of the post. A good dramatic ballad (I totally can picture Rachel Berry of Glee singing this), but too slow and even. I’m afraid this can break Azerbaijan’s perfect Top 10 record.

Spain: Pastora Soler – Quédate conmigo

Girl. Change the dress. NOW. Also, work on your hand gestures, because the ones you have… they’re awful. You can keep the song if you want. The song’s good. It reminds me of I don’t know what, but something good.

Germany: Roman Lob – Standing still

A sweet ballad sung by a cute guy. How can I resist?

Well, the chorus sometimes is too monotone, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive to that face. And despite the chorus, the song’s pretty good too.

This is Europe not giving a shit (Part 2)

We’re done witht he first semi, but there’s still one to go. Fortunately, most of the badness this year gathered in the first semi (That, or Iceland sucked all the quality out of their competitors, just like Die for you did with nearly all the 2001 contestants, winner included), so this semi is gonna be better. I promise.

(This post is gonna take several days, so if you’re here and I haven’t reached Lithuania, come back later)

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic – Nije Ljubav Stvar

Both previous Eurovision songs by Zeljko are pretty good, but this one falls a little short. I feel like the whole song works towards a climax that never arrives. I like it, but not as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i Belo

It needs a stronger end, but it’s anyway the closest we’re gonna find to a diva this year. See, Albania? This is how you screech a song.

Netherlands: Joan Franka -You and Me

This is Netherlands not giving a shit. They know it’s gonna be the same whatever they send, so why bother? Why not send Joan Baez.. sorry, Franka, with an Indian head-thingy and a nice song about puppy love? They can afford it because their chances are gone before they come. I like it, though. Once I get used to her being dressed like Sacajawea.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This is the Night

At first listening I didn’t like it that much, but on the second, it’s not that bad. A good tame disco with bland but enjoyable beat. Still, they had better things in their national final.

Belarus: Litesound – We are the Heroes

They were actually the runner-up in their national final, but since the winner was found to rig the votes… yeah, that. I wish I had something to say about this song.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida Minha

Well, now we’re talking. I don’t know why I love this, but I do. Of course, Portugal doesn’t give a shit for the same reasons Netherlands doesn’t, but they manage to get everything right anyway. Let’s just add some lights and flowers in their staging, and they’re done.

Ukraine: Gaitana -Be my guest

Ukraine is so not giving a shit they decided they better use the contest to make some product placement for some sports competition they’re co-hosting with Poland, so they’re sending… this. Gaitana got criticized for some Ukrainian folks who said she’s “too ethnic” to represent Ukraine.

How silly of them. They should criticize her because her song is awful and she sings badly. And now, everyone who says anything against her can and will be labeled as racist. Brilliant, guys. Now political correctness will force us to swallow this. Just brilliant.

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Aaaaaaannnddd… back on the track again! Bulgiaria just decided to add some Eastern taste to their song, since this year we’re all going East. I just hope they do a really heavy show for this song, like dancers with veils, water and fire rains, fireworks… and please, change the dress. It makes her boobs look like they’re in her waist.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Why does the backing singer remind me of Virginia Woolf? And why, in name of everything that can be named, is she wearing that on her head?

Oh, yeah, the song… WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD? And why the song makes me think of The Little Mermaid? It’s a nice array of voices the one they have here, though. BUT WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD?

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

I wish I had found the live performance in Dora, because Nina WAS actually wearing a veil-and-fan combination that would make Carola die of envy, and nailed all her notes live. All she needs to steal the show is take the same dress and the same nearly nude guys to Baku. (Yeah, I’m running out of comments, but this year really has too many ballads)

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Sweden, of course, has to give a shit, they’re freaking SWEDEN! And they prove it by sending the lovechild of Carola and a Shaolin monk. I don’t get the hype about this. I mean, yeah, it’s good and nice and sticky, and possibly winner quality, but I don’t get the whole amazing-and-orgasmic-and-sure-winner thing, when it’s all in the staging. It’s not like I’ll be mad if she wins, because she’s not that bad, but there are better songs this year.

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m a Joker

Like this, for example.

Nah, just kidding. This is the worst song of the contest, and that’s quite and achievement once you listen to Montenegro, Austria or San Marino. And earlier versions of this… thing, were even worse. This song makes me want to run and hide in Emmy’s cleavage. This song makes me want Justin Bieber to represent Georgia instead. This song makes me long for Dustin the Turkey. And now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna look away and pretend this song never happened.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love me Back

This is Turkey, not giving a shit because they know they’re gonna have lots of neighbor love from the host. The artist ain’t giving a shit either. Well, that, or he’s just having a seizure onstage. Or fleas. Or something.

And I can’t wait to see their show.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Gott Lepland? He’s handsome, he has a great voice and he’s singing a perfect song in his own language, because Estonia’s not giving a shit. I think a victory for this (understated show, non-English, sweet, slow ballad) would be the best thing that could happen to the contest. Man, every time I listen to this I like it even more. Gott Lepland? If not, what are you waiting for?

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t close your Eyes

Wow, a rock act. Nice. I’m amazed a Miro’s transformation (Yeah, his true name is Miroslav), in pictures he looks like he’s too pretty for a guy, but here he looks ax crazy. Being Slovakia, his only hope is to perform shirtless, of course. Not that I’ll complain, you know.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Well, the comparisons are inevitable: one has to thank Eric for single-handledy revitalizing the male soloist pop entry, and doing it quite well. Tooji’s song is better thanPopular on the lyrics, and at least as good on beat, but… Tooji’s no Eric.

And he has a lousy bridge, and seriously needs to get onstage with far less clothes. Maybe then we’ll be to busy looking at his arms (or chest, or…) to compare him with Eric Saade.

It took me nearly a year to reconcile with Popular, so I guess I’ll love this by 2013.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake ti Znam

I officially ran out of clever things to say. Another pleasant ballad with a nice flow. Also donkeys.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love is Blind

Young George Michael has a great voice, but needs to work on his diction and get abetter ending for his song. I would like him to get rid of the blindfold at the beginning (See? Eva Rivas had an apricot stone hidden in her hand, just like in the lyrics… no thanks). Besides that, this is perfect.

That closes it.

The five that MUST pass to the final:

Estonia, Bulgaria, Portugal, Netherlands and… yeah, Sweden. (Even if I’m tired of the hype, she deserves that spot)

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Ukraine and Georgia, for a start, and I’ll add Belarus, Slovenia and Bosnia & Herzegovina not because they’re bad, but because they didn’t impress me.

Five more to complete the finalists:

Serbia, Lithuania, Turkey, Norway, and… hum… Malta, I guess.

The cutest guy is a tie between Ott from Estonia and Donny from Lithuania (Damn! why didn’t  Latvia send in a cute guy to complete the Baltic Combo?) and the cutest girl… Joan Franka. But any of them would do, it’s not like any girl stands out.

This is Europe not giving a shit. (Part 1)

Seriously, what happened to Europe this year? Apparently, just knowing that the Eurovision host city is even farther from Europe than Moscow made half of the countries think “Well, what the hell” and show it in their acts in some way or another. Or maybe nobody wants to host because of the crisis, I don’t know.

What I know is this year started in a really disheartening way. The earliest half of the songs revealed was (with the glorious exceptions of Iceland and Cyprus) an amazing display of boringness and mediocrity. Even if later things got back in track and we ended with a not-so-bad year (although it’s not, by far, as good as the previous two), I still have the impression that this year lots of countries. Simply. Don’t. Care.

So, to start with the first round:

(This will get updated lots of times until I end the songs of the first semi. If you read this and it’s still not finished, come back in a week or so)

Montenegro: Rambo Amadeus – Euro Neuro

This is Montenegro not giving a shit. I have to admit, though, I thought this would be a lot worse than it turned out. When I knew they had selected an artist named “Rambo Amadeus”, I thought the song would be an unphatomable piece of crap, and this… isn’t. It’s just the closest a song can get to white noise without being actual white noise.  I know, it’s supposed to have a deep message about materialism and stuff, but that message will never be heard when it’s so plain dead boring.

Iceland: Gréta Salóme & Jónsi – Never Forget

Yeah, they changed it to English later, but I’m posting the original, live version, because it’s gorgeous. Really, when a so minimalist staging can make something look so beautiful, it will do wonders  with lights and sequin and a little smoke. I SO want this to win right now…

Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

This is Greece not giving a shit. They’re broke, with riots, a fresh new president imposed by the same banks that led them to bankrupcy…  one would say that that, considering not even Stereo Mike could prevent them from reaching the top 10, they wouldn’t dare sending ANYTHING that had a chance of winning.

Guess what? They’re doing it anyway, because that’s how they roll. Even if they are so bankrupt they had to stage their national final in a MALL (that alone deserves its own post, by the way) . Helena… I mean, Eleftheria manages to put on an amazing act. Yes, it looks a lot like My Number One, but it’s original enough not to be a copy. And it’s just simply amazing. Are you sure about this, Greece? Because I love it, but I won’t love if the next contest is in the backyard of the OGAE Greece headquarters.

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

This is Latvia, clearly not giving a shit. There’s a reason I always follow closely the Eirodziesma: I know it’s gonna be full of amazing artists… and none of them is gonna win. Even if they don’t send the worst artist of the lot (Thank you, thank you, Latvia, for sparing us the Mad Show Boys and Disco Superfly!) , they chose a troll act without any personality about how ridiculous is Eurovision and how stupid we are for watching it. The most tragic part (besides knocking out one of the best songs I’ve ever heard without even revealing the name of the artist) is that I really like Anmary’s voice. I wish she had a real song for a change. What’s wrong with you, Latvia of the Brainstorm and Lauris Reiniks stunning quality?

I’m so mad at you right now.

Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus

I’m not totally convinced about this, you know. Yeah, it’s a good dramatic ballad, and she manages to howl it conveying totally the feelings of loneliness and desperation any dramatic ballad needs, but… she tries too hard. Still, if she stands under a spotlight, with smoke and not a single fancy thing, it might work.

Romania: Mandinga -Zaleilah

This is Romania, kicking ass at not giving a shit! Here they are with drummers, bad English, bad Spanish, a guy with the best afro I’ve seen in my life and freaking bagpipes, all of that thinking they’re the greatest thing ever and almost making us believe they are. Oh, my, I love this!

Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable

This is Switzerland and me not giving a shit. The song is not bad, just absolutely forgettable. Sorry, but bland rock has never been my cup of tea, and I really wish this was the only time in the year I have to say this.

Belgium: Iris – Would you?

Wow, we managed to get quite far before the first Disney Ballad popped up, but… yeah, we just had to have it. The delivery’s clumsy, though. She has a nice voice, but a bad singing. I’m still willing to give it a second chance in the semi, but only one.

Finland: Pernilla Karlsson – Nar jag blundar

This is Finland, so not giving a shit they’re sending a song in Swedish.. I like it, it has a nice flow, and a sweet ethnic flavour that doesn’t force itself on you, but I honestly don’t think this will pass. Also, Robyn Hood only distracts from the song. Make her go away, please.

Israel: Izabo – Time

Why does this remind me of Brainstorm? And why I ike it? The style is weird, the singer is weird,the song is weird, the singing is weird, but still I like it, even if I don’t have the slightest clue about how are they gonna put on a show with this.

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song (Uh Oh Oh)

This is San Marino, not giving a shit by any conceivable definition and trolling everything that can be trolled and even some things that can’t. I’m usually not into troll acts, but this is so glorious even I have to admire it.

Here’s the full story: San Marino had originally sent this song with the title “Facebook, uh, oh, oh“. With music by Ralph Motherfucking Siegel and lyrics so bad that would put Rebecca Black to shame, and a video to match (and the comparison to Rebecca Black extends to the video). It took the EBU around five seconds to decide the song broke the rules that forbid commercial messages and give the country four days to change it or GTFO.

Then comes the best part: the lyricist did a hard brainstorming and retitled it “The social network song” and changed every instance of “Facebook” in the lyrics with things like “Hello”, “Oh oh”, “Network”, and my personal favorite, “Beep beep”. Without any other change. This is,ladies and gentlemen, the most epic trolling in the history of Eurovision. Sorry, Silvia Night, but you just were out-trolled.

Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La la love

This might be the best song in the contest (well, second only to Iceland), and the fact that she clearly has the time of her life singing it just makes it even better, but… we still don’t know how the delivery will because the only live performance I’ve found totally sucks. Since it started as my favorite and my last two years favorites (Slovakia 2010 and Poland 2011) commited suicide in the semifinals, I don’t have very high hopes, but I’ll cross my fingers anyway.

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve known better

This is Denmark, thinking they give a shit. But I had to stop it after 1:30, so I don’t. Seriously, how can some people think this is gonna win? The only thing I like about it is the chav playing cello (That’s brilliant! How come nobody thought of that before?). But the song is… just not. The bad part is that another song in the national final had almost guaranteed a third top 5 for Denmark. The worse part is that it was the favorite of all but one of the international juries, and was kicked out by the Danish televote. Now if this sinks to the second half of the table, and I think it will, Danes will wonder why Europe doesn’t like them anymore. Well, duh!

Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party for everybody

You know things are near rock bottom when Russia is not giving a shit. I think this stage is the same they used for their Junior Eurovision final, and they’re sending something fun, lovable, and that doesn’t stand a chance of winning. (But if they do don’t worry, people, it’s not like it’ll be the end of the world)

Hungary: Compact Disco – Sound of our hearts

Remember what I said about Switzerland? You can copy and paste it  here word by word.

Austria: Trackhittaz – Woki mit deim Popo

This is Austria giving a shit. And it won’t flush away. I’m not gonna say more because if I did, I would have to be mean.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeny – Lautar

Moldova NEVER gives a shit and it’s not like they were gonna start this year. They just do their thing, wether that is a sax player rubbing his crotch on his sax, a monocycling fairy, a drumming babushka or, like it’s here, literally riding Gaga girls onstage. And somehow they always manage to make it work in their own, very Moldovan way, like that hippie brother you love even when he’s making you facepalm.

Once you get through the weirdness, this song has a great tune. The lyrics… would be better in their own language.

Ireland: Jedward – Waterline

Because if this guys with some song and some show landed them their first top 10 in forever last year, the same guys with the same song (well, a little better, I admit) and the same show are gonna do the same thing this year, right?

Wrong.

Aaaand that does it for for the first semi.

The five countries that totally should pass to the final:

Iceland, Greece, Cyprus, Romania and, just for my evil pleasure, San Marino.

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Montenegro, Latvia, Austria, Denmark and Hungary.

Let’s see, five more to complete the finalists:

Israel, Moldova, Albania, Finland… and I’m sure Russia’s gonna pass, so…

The cutest guy this semi is the guitarrist from Sinplus, and the cutest girl is a tie between Ivi and Eleftheria.