Preparándonos para Eurovisión, primera semifinal.

En serio, ¿Qué está pasando este año? Parece que saber que la ciudad anfitriona está más lejos de Europa que Moscú hizo que a la mitad de los países les valiera gorro el concurso y mostrarlo en sus actos de una manera o de otra. O quizá nadie quiere ser anfitrión por culpa de la crisis, no estoy seguro.

Para empezar con la primera semifinal:

(Este post está siendo traducido de la versión en inglés, así que si parte de él todavía está en inglés, es que no he terminado -duh-)

Montenegro: Rambo Amadeus – Euro Neuro

Tengo que admitir que, cuando escuché que Montenegro había elegido a un artista llamado “Rambo Amadeus” y vi su página web, pensé que esto sería mucho peor de lo que en realidad es. Me esperaba una porquería insoportable, y esto es… ruido blanco. Estática. Absolutamente nada. Ya sé que se supoen que tiene un mensaje profundo, independiente y súpercrítico, pero cuando se presenta de forma tan mortalmente aburrida, no puede esperar ser escuchado.

Islandia: Gréta Salóme & Jónsi – Never Forget

Sí, luego la cambiaron a Inglés, pero estoy poniendo la versión de la preselección nacional porque es maravillosa. Cuando una puesta en escena tan minimalista puede conseguir tanto, es de imaginarse cómo quedará con humo, satín y luces. De verdad, de verdad, de verdad quiero que esto gane.

Grecia: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

This is Greece not giving a shit. They’re broke, with riots, a fresh new president imposed by the same banks that led them to bankrupcy…  one would say that that, considering not even Stereo Mike could prevent them from reaching the top 10, they wouldn’t dare sending ANYTHING that had a chance of winning.

Guess what? They’re doing it anyway, because that’s how they roll. Even if they are so bankrupt they had to stage their national final in a MALL (that alone deserves its own post, by the way) . Helena… I mean, Eleftheria manages to put on an amazing act. Yes, it looks a lot like My Number One, but it’s original enough not to be a copy. And it’s just simply amazing. Are you sure about this, Greece? Because I love it, but I won’t love if the next contest is in the backyard of the OGAE Greece headquarters.

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

This is Latvia, clearly not giving a shit. There’s a reason I always follow closely the Eirodziesma: I know it’s gonna be full of amazing artists… and none of them is gonna win. Even if they don’t send the worst artist of the lot (Thank you, thank you, Latvia, for sparing us the Mad Show Boys and Disco Superfly!) , they chose a troll act without any personality about how ridiculous is Eurovision and how stupid we are for watching it. The most tragic part (besides knocking out one of the best songs I’ve ever heard without even revealing the name of the artist) is that I really like Anmary’s voice. I wish she had a real song for a change. What’s wrong with you, Latvia of the Brainstorm and Lauris Reiniks stunning quality?

I’m so mad at you right now.

Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus

I’m not totally convinced about this, you know. Yeah, it’s a good dramatic ballad, and she manages to howl it conveying totally the feelings of loneliness and desperation any dramatic ballad needs, but… she tries too hard. Still, if she stands under a spotlight, with smoke and not a single fancy thing, it might work.

Romania: Mandinga -Zaleilah

This is Romania, kicking ass at not giving a shit! Here they are with drummers, bad English, bad Spanish, a guy with the best afro I’ve seen in my life and freaking bagpipes, all of that thinking they’re the greatest thing ever and almost making us believe they are. Oh, my, I love this!

Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable

This is Switzerland and me not giving a shit. The song is not bad, just absolutely forgettable. Sorry, but bland rock has never been my cup of tea, and I really wish this was the only time in the year I have to say this.

Belgium: Iris – Would you?

Wow, we managed to get quite far before the first Disney Ballad popped up, but… yeah, we just had to have it. The delivery’s clumsy, though. She has a nice voice, but a bad singing. I’m still willing to give it a second chance in the semi, but only one.

Finland: Pernilla Karlsson – Nar jag blundar

This is Finland, so not giving a shit they’re sending a song in Swedish.. I like it, it has a nice flow, and a sweet ethnic flavour that doesn’t force itself on you, but I honestly don’t think this will pass. Also, Robyn Hood only distracts from the song. Make her go away, please.

Israel: Izabo – Time

Why does this remind me of Brainstorm? And why I ike it? The style is weird, the singer is weird,the song is weird, the singing is weird, but still I like it, even if I don’t have the slightest clue about how are they gonna put on a show with this.

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song (Uh Oh Oh)

This is San Marino, not giving a shit by any conceivable definition and trolling everything that can be trolled and even some things that can’t. I’m usually not into troll acts, but this is so glorious even I have to admire it.

Here’s the full story: San Marino had originally sent this song with the title “Facebook, uh, oh, oh“. With music by Ralph Motherfucking Siegel and lyrics so bad that would put Rebecca Black to shame, and a video to match (and the comparison to Rebecca Black extends to the video). It took the EBU around five seconds to decide the song broke the rules that forbid commercial messages and give the country four days to change it or GTFO.

Then comes the best part: the lyricist did a hard brainstorming and retitled it “The social network song” and changed every instance of “Facebook” in the lyrics with things like “Hello”, “Oh oh”, “Network”, and my personal favorite, “Beep beep”. Without any other change. This is,ladies and gentlemen, the most epic trolling in the history of Eurovision. Sorry, Silvia Night, but you just were out-trolled.

Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La la love

This might be the best song in the contest (well, second only to Iceland), and the fact that she clearly has the time of her life singing it just makes it even better, but… we still don’t know how the delivery will because the only live performance I’ve found totally sucks. Since it started as my favorite and my last two years favorites (Slovakia 2010 and Poland 2011) commited suicide in the semifinals, I don’t have very high hopes, but I’ll cross my fingers anyway.

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve known better

This is Denmark, thinking they give a shit. But I had to stop it after 1:30, so I don’t. Seriously, how can some people think this is gonna win? The only thing I like about it is the chav playing cello (That’s brilliant! How come nobody thought of that before?). But the song is… just not. The bad part is that another song in the national final had almost guaranteed a third top 5 for Denmark. The worse part is that it was the favorite of all but one of the international juries, and was kicked out by the Danish televote. Now if this sinks to the second half of the table, and I think it will, Danes will wonder why Europe doesn’t like them anymore. Well, duh!

Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party for everybody

You know things are near rock bottom when Russia is not giving a shit. I think this stage is the same they used for their Junior Eurovision final, and they’re sending something fun, lovable, and that doesn’t stand a chance of winning. (But if they do don’t worry, people, it’s not like it’ll be the end of the world)

Hungary: Compact Disco – Sound of our hearts

Remember what I said about Switzerland? You can copy and paste it  here word by word.

Austria: Trackhittaz – Woki mit deim Popo

This is Austria giving a shit. And it won’t flush away. I’m not gonna say more because if I did, I would have to be mean.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeny – Lautar

Moldova NEVER gives a shit and it’s not like they were gonna start this year. They just do their thing, wether that is a sax player rubbing his crotch on his sax, a monocycling fairy, a drumming babushka or, like it’s here, literally riding Gaga girls onstage. And somehow they always manage to make it work in their own, very Moldovan way, like that hippie brother you love even when he’s making you facepalm.

Once you get through the weirdness, this song has a great tune. The lyrics… would be better in their own language.

Ireland: Jedward – Waterline

Because if this guys with some song and some show landed them their first top 10 in forever last year, the same guys with the same song (well, a little better, I admit) and the same show are gonna do the same thing this year, right?

Wrong.

Aaaand that does it for for the first semi.

The five countries that totally should pass to the final:

Iceland, Greece, Cyprus, Romania and, just for my evil pleasure, San Marino.

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Montenegro, Latvia, Austria, Denmark and Hungary.

Let’s see, five more to complete the finalists:

Israel, Moldova, Albania, Finland… and I’m sure Russia’s gonna pass, so…

The cutest guy this semi is the guitarrist from Sinplus, and the cutest girl is a tie between Ivi and Eleftheria.

Debate, debate.

Una semana o algo así después del debate de los candidatos a la presidencia mexicana. Y la única cosa segura es que, sea quien sea el que quede, va a ser malo para el país.

Las boletas necesitan incluir la opción “Nada de lo anterior”.

(Me extendería más, pero me deprime)

Eurovision 2012: What should have been.

As I said in the comment, nearly half of the songs this year have something wrong about them. They’re either plain, bad, mediocre, bad trolls or… something. So, if you excuse me, I’m gonna  use this post to paint my owh little happy world about what should have been sent instead.

First of all, Montenegro should have sent anything else instead of Euro Neuro for reasons of absolute boringness. I can’t say what because they didn’t hold a final, but nearly anything would’ve been worked.

Latvia, for reasons of the song being lousy, should have sent some other act instead of Anmary. The best one on the national final was Andris Abelite with “Pedejais vards” but on the previous round there were some amazing songs that didn’t qualify to the final. My favourite was “We are not in Rome” that didn’t even make it to the second round. I can’t link to any of the songs because both got deleted, but trust me, they were perfect. And they didn’t even tell us the artist of the second one. (BTW, if somebody knows who composed and/or performed that, you will get my eternal gratitude).

Switzerland, for reason of her being awesome, should have sent Lys Motherfucking Assia with “C’etait ma vie”. She’s nearly ninety and she still can outclass 90% of bitches around. Being Switzerland, her chances to win would be just as zero as with Sinplus, but sending in someone who had won this contest before all the contestants but Russia and UK were born would have been a first class “fuck you” in the face of Europe. Also, it’s been proven that this year belongs to the old generations, so she DESERVED it.

Denmark, for reasons of the song being so boring I cant’ hear more than half of it, should have known better and sent in Jesper with “Take our hearts”. Jesper was good, he probably had at least top 10 guaranteed, quite possibly top 5, specially on a year like this. Soluna… I think she’s doomed.

Austria, for reasons of their entry being awful should have sent instead the fabulous Conchita Wurst with “That’s what I am” . But I guess the host would be uncomfortable having around a proud crossdresser with a beard preventing them to pretend they don’t know she’s not a woman. And the song being a LGBT pride anthem didn’t help either. I changed my mind, Trackshittaz are perfect for Baku. Objecizing asses is a lot less likely to get lynched than a message about being true to yourself. The world somethimes scares me.

Netherlands… well, I love Joan, but to be honest, they should have sent Ivan Peroti with “Take me As I Am”, for reasons of him being really good and having better chances to at least passing to the final than Joan.

Malta, for reasons of blandness and a certain lack of appeal, should have gone instead for one of the Faniello siblings. Either Claudia channeling Chiara/Whitney Houston of Fabrizio channeling a heterosexual male with a daughter. Either would do.

Ukraine, for reasons of an infinite superiority over the badness package that won, should have sent Max Barsikh with “Dance”. But I guess they didn’t want to look like they were copying Eric/Tooji, so we have to deal instead with the worst song Ukraine’s ever sent.

Slovenia, for reasons of absolute amazing quality, should have sent Eva Boto, yeah, but with “A si sanjal me” instead of “Verjamem”. The ballad is a little boring, while this hits all the right buttons at once. What was Slovenia thinking, really?

Georgia, for more than obvious reasons, should have sent ANY other song in their national final. Seriously, they picked the worst one and it seems they picked it for being the worst. My personal choice would have been REMA with “Feel me”. It’s not like they’re impressively good, but they are worlds apart from the joker..

Some other potential choices: How about Adele for UK? And while I love Roman, Ornella di Santis would have also been a nice choice for Germany.

If I were an Eurovision country

These would be my points:

12: Iceland

10: Italy

8: Estonia

7: Greece

6: Cyprus

5: Portugal

4: Germany

3: Lithuania

2: Serbia

1: France

The winner quality club opens its doors to: Iceland, Estonia, Portugal, France and Italy.

The ones who fall a little short: Greece, because even I have to admit it’s too generic. Cyprus, because we’re still to see a good live delivery. Lithuania, because he HAS to fix his performance. Germany because his song is lacking something, I don’t know what, Serbia because he needs a stronger buildup, and Sweden because there’s no substance behind all that style.

Best song overall: Iceland, of course. I think we haven’t seen anything this good on this style since Greece 2001.

Best show overall on the preview: Quite predictably, Sweden.

Worst song overall: Georgia and Austria. I can’t pick one.

Shittiest song overall: I was about to say Austria, but no. San Marino.

Overall, the cutest guy is Ott Lepland from Estonia, and the hottest guy is Roman Lob from Germany. The cutest girl is Joan Franka from Netherlands and the hottest girl is Eleftheria from Greece, but it’s not like the female pool this year was that extraordinary.

This is The Big Six giving a shit.

Well, yeah, this year the automatic finalists (The Big Five plus Azerbaijan) got together a pretty good collective act:

United Kingdom: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love will set you free

Yeah… he’s dead and buried because he opens the final, but my, what an opening. I love his voice and the ballad is quite good. I’m about to bet UK surprised everybody by announcing this guy as their representative, and then as making him turn out pretty good.

France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)

May I say I consider plain stupid the idea of using a title for a song, and then another one in parentheses? And may I say this is the only thing I DON’T like about this song? It’s a delicious upbeat act with great beat and perfect for the singer. The only thing it needs to be absolutely amazing is a stronger closure.

Italy: Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out of love)

What did I say about titles in parentheses? And what did I say about delicious? Not that I didn’t like “Per sempre”, but I loved the change. Maybe more Italian would be good for the song, but this hits all the right buttons. Just one thing: what’s with the “boom boom”? Between this and Russia, I’m thinking Emmy was months ahead of her time.

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeba – When the music dies

The weakest song of the post. A good dramatic ballad (I totally can picture Rachel Berry of Glee singing this), but too slow and even. I’m afraid this can break Azerbaijan’s perfect Top 10 record.

Spain: Pastora Soler – Quédate conmigo

Girl. Change the dress. NOW. Also, work on your hand gestures, because the ones you have… they’re awful. You can keep the song if you want. The song’s good. It reminds me of I don’t know what, but something good.

Germany: Roman Lob – Standing still

A sweet ballad sung by a cute guy. How can I resist?

Well, the chorus sometimes is too monotone, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive to that face. And despite the chorus, the song’s pretty good too.

This is Europe not giving a shit (Part 2)

We’re done witht he first semi, but there’s still one to go. Fortunately, most of the badness this year gathered in the first semi (That, or Iceland sucked all the quality out of their competitors, just like Die for you did with nearly all the 2001 contestants, winner included), so this semi is gonna be better. I promise.

(This post is gonna take several days, so if you’re here and I haven’t reached Lithuania, come back later)

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic – Nije Ljubav Stvar

Both previous Eurovision songs by Zeljko are pretty good, but this one falls a little short. I feel like the whole song works towards a climax that never arrives. I like it, but not as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i Belo

It needs a stronger end, but it’s anyway the closest we’re gonna find to a diva this year. See, Albania? This is how you screech a song.

Netherlands: Joan Franka -You and Me

This is Netherlands not giving a shit. They know it’s gonna be the same whatever they send, so why bother? Why not send Joan Baez.. sorry, Franka, with an Indian head-thingy and a nice song about puppy love? They can afford it because their chances are gone before they come. I like it, though. Once I get used to her being dressed like Sacajawea.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This is the Night

At first listening I didn’t like it that much, but on the second, it’s not that bad. A good tame disco with bland but enjoyable beat. Still, they had better things in their national final.

Belarus: Litesound – We are the Heroes

They were actually the runner-up in their national final, but since the winner was found to rig the votes… yeah, that. I wish I had something to say about this song.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida Minha

Well, now we’re talking. I don’t know why I love this, but I do. Of course, Portugal doesn’t give a shit for the same reasons Netherlands doesn’t, but they manage to get everything right anyway. Let’s just add some lights and flowers in their staging, and they’re done.

Ukraine: Gaitana -Be my guest

Ukraine is so not giving a shit they decided they better use the contest to make some product placement for some sports competition they’re co-hosting with Poland, so they’re sending… this. Gaitana got criticized for some Ukrainian folks who said she’s “too ethnic” to represent Ukraine.

How silly of them. They should criticize her because her song is awful and she sings badly. And now, everyone who says anything against her can and will be labeled as racist. Brilliant, guys. Now political correctness will force us to swallow this. Just brilliant.

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Aaaaaaannnddd… back on the track again! Bulgiaria just decided to add some Eastern taste to their song, since this year we’re all going East. I just hope they do a really heavy show for this song, like dancers with veils, water and fire rains, fireworks… and please, change the dress. It makes her boobs look like they’re in her waist.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Why does the backing singer remind me of Virginia Woolf? And why, in name of everything that can be named, is she wearing that on her head?

Oh, yeah, the song… WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD? And why the song makes me think of The Little Mermaid? It’s a nice array of voices the one they have here, though. BUT WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD?

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

I wish I had found the live performance in Dora, because Nina WAS actually wearing a veil-and-fan combination that would make Carola die of envy, and nailed all her notes live. All she needs to steal the show is take the same dress and the same nearly nude guys to Baku. (Yeah, I’m running out of comments, but this year really has too many ballads)

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Sweden, of course, has to give a shit, they’re freaking SWEDEN! And they prove it by sending the lovechild of Carola and a Shaolin monk. I don’t get the hype about this. I mean, yeah, it’s good and nice and sticky, and possibly winner quality, but I don’t get the whole amazing-and-orgasmic-and-sure-winner thing, when it’s all in the staging. It’s not like I’ll be mad if she wins, because she’s not that bad, but there are better songs this year.

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m a Joker

Like this, for example.

Nah, just kidding. This is the worst song of the contest, and that’s quite and achievement once you listen to Montenegro, Austria or San Marino. And earlier versions of this… thing, were even worse. This song makes me want to run and hide in Emmy’s cleavage. This song makes me want Justin Bieber to represent Georgia instead. This song makes me long for Dustin the Turkey. And now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna look away and pretend this song never happened.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love me Back

This is Turkey, not giving a shit because they know they’re gonna have lots of neighbor love from the host. The artist ain’t giving a shit either. Well, that, or he’s just having a seizure onstage. Or fleas. Or something.

And I can’t wait to see their show.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Gott Lepland? He’s handsome, he has a great voice and he’s singing a perfect song in his own language, because Estonia’s not giving a shit. I think a victory for this (understated show, non-English, sweet, slow ballad) would be the best thing that could happen to the contest. Man, every time I listen to this I like it even more. Gott Lepland? If not, what are you waiting for?

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t close your Eyes

Wow, a rock act. Nice. I’m amazed a Miro’s transformation (Yeah, his true name is Miroslav), in pictures he looks like he’s too pretty for a guy, but here he looks ax crazy. Being Slovakia, his only hope is to perform shirtless, of course. Not that I’ll complain, you know.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Well, the comparisons are inevitable: one has to thank Eric for single-handledy revitalizing the male soloist pop entry, and doing it quite well. Tooji’s song is better thanPopular on the lyrics, and at least as good on beat, but… Tooji’s no Eric.

And he has a lousy bridge, and seriously needs to get onstage with far less clothes. Maybe then we’ll be to busy looking at his arms (or chest, or…) to compare him with Eric Saade.

It took me nearly a year to reconcile with Popular, so I guess I’ll love this by 2013.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake ti Znam

I officially ran out of clever things to say. Another pleasant ballad with a nice flow. Also donkeys.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love is Blind

Young George Michael has a great voice, but needs to work on his diction and get abetter ending for his song. I would like him to get rid of the blindfold at the beginning (See? Eva Rivas had an apricot stone hidden in her hand, just like in the lyrics… no thanks). Besides that, this is perfect.

That closes it.

The five that MUST pass to the final:

Estonia, Bulgaria, Portugal, Netherlands and… yeah, Sweden. (Even if I’m tired of the hype, she deserves that spot)

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Ukraine and Georgia, for a start, and I’ll add Belarus, Slovenia and Bosnia & Herzegovina not because they’re bad, but because they didn’t impress me.

Five more to complete the finalists:

Serbia, Lithuania, Turkey, Norway, and… hum… Malta, I guess.

The cutest guy is a tie between Ott from Estonia and Donny from Lithuania (Damn! why didn’t  Latvia send in a cute guy to complete the Baltic Combo?) and the cutest girl… Joan Franka. But any of them would do, it’s not like any girl stands out.

This is Europe not giving a shit. (Part 1)

Seriously, what happened to Europe this year? Apparently, just knowing that the Eurovision host city is even farther from Europe than Moscow made half of the countries think “Well, what the hell” and show it in their acts in some way or another. Or maybe nobody wants to host because of the crisis, I don’t know.

What I know is this year started in a really disheartening way. The earliest half of the songs revealed was (with the glorious exceptions of Iceland and Cyprus) an amazing display of boringness and mediocrity. Even if later things got back in track and we ended with a not-so-bad year (although it’s not, by far, as good as the previous two), I still have the impression that this year lots of countries. Simply. Don’t. Care.

So, to start with the first round:

(This will get updated lots of times until I end the songs of the first semi. If you read this and it’s still not finished, come back in a week or so)

Montenegro: Rambo Amadeus – Euro Neuro

This is Montenegro not giving a shit. I have to admit, though, I thought this would be a lot worse than it turned out. When I knew they had selected an artist named “Rambo Amadeus”, I thought the song would be an unphatomable piece of crap, and this… isn’t. It’s just the closest a song can get to white noise without being actual white noise.  I know, it’s supposed to have a deep message about materialism and stuff, but that message will never be heard when it’s so plain dead boring.

Iceland: Gréta Salóme & Jónsi – Never Forget

Yeah, they changed it to English later, but I’m posting the original, live version, because it’s gorgeous. Really, when a so minimalist staging can make something look so beautiful, it will do wonders  with lights and sequin and a little smoke. I SO want this to win right now…

Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

This is Greece not giving a shit. They’re broke, with riots, a fresh new president imposed by the same banks that led them to bankrupcy…  one would say that that, considering not even Stereo Mike could prevent them from reaching the top 10, they wouldn’t dare sending ANYTHING that had a chance of winning.

Guess what? They’re doing it anyway, because that’s how they roll. Even if they are so bankrupt they had to stage their national final in a MALL (that alone deserves its own post, by the way) . Helena… I mean, Eleftheria manages to put on an amazing act. Yes, it looks a lot like My Number One, but it’s original enough not to be a copy. And it’s just simply amazing. Are you sure about this, Greece? Because I love it, but I won’t love if the next contest is in the backyard of the OGAE Greece headquarters.

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

This is Latvia, clearly not giving a shit. There’s a reason I always follow closely the Eirodziesma: I know it’s gonna be full of amazing artists… and none of them is gonna win. Even if they don’t send the worst artist of the lot (Thank you, thank you, Latvia, for sparing us the Mad Show Boys and Disco Superfly!) , they chose a troll act without any personality about how ridiculous is Eurovision and how stupid we are for watching it. The most tragic part (besides knocking out one of the best songs I’ve ever heard without even revealing the name of the artist) is that I really like Anmary’s voice. I wish she had a real song for a change. What’s wrong with you, Latvia of the Brainstorm and Lauris Reiniks stunning quality?

I’m so mad at you right now.

Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus

I’m not totally convinced about this, you know. Yeah, it’s a good dramatic ballad, and she manages to howl it conveying totally the feelings of loneliness and desperation any dramatic ballad needs, but… she tries too hard. Still, if she stands under a spotlight, with smoke and not a single fancy thing, it might work.

Romania: Mandinga -Zaleilah

This is Romania, kicking ass at not giving a shit! Here they are with drummers, bad English, bad Spanish, a guy with the best afro I’ve seen in my life and freaking bagpipes, all of that thinking they’re the greatest thing ever and almost making us believe they are. Oh, my, I love this!

Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable

This is Switzerland and me not giving a shit. The song is not bad, just absolutely forgettable. Sorry, but bland rock has never been my cup of tea, and I really wish this was the only time in the year I have to say this.

Belgium: Iris – Would you?

Wow, we managed to get quite far before the first Disney Ballad popped up, but… yeah, we just had to have it. The delivery’s clumsy, though. She has a nice voice, but a bad singing. I’m still willing to give it a second chance in the semi, but only one.

Finland: Pernilla Karlsson – Nar jag blundar

This is Finland, so not giving a shit they’re sending a song in Swedish.. I like it, it has a nice flow, and a sweet ethnic flavour that doesn’t force itself on you, but I honestly don’t think this will pass. Also, Robyn Hood only distracts from the song. Make her go away, please.

Israel: Izabo – Time

Why does this remind me of Brainstorm? And why I ike it? The style is weird, the singer is weird,the song is weird, the singing is weird, but still I like it, even if I don’t have the slightest clue about how are they gonna put on a show with this.

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song (Uh Oh Oh)

This is San Marino, not giving a shit by any conceivable definition and trolling everything that can be trolled and even some things that can’t. I’m usually not into troll acts, but this is so glorious even I have to admire it.

Here’s the full story: San Marino had originally sent this song with the title “Facebook, uh, oh, oh“. With music by Ralph Motherfucking Siegel and lyrics so bad that would put Rebecca Black to shame, and a video to match (and the comparison to Rebecca Black extends to the video). It took the EBU around five seconds to decide the song broke the rules that forbid commercial messages and give the country four days to change it or GTFO.

Then comes the best part: the lyricist did a hard brainstorming and retitled it “The social network song” and changed every instance of “Facebook” in the lyrics with things like “Hello”, “Oh oh”, “Network”, and my personal favorite, “Beep beep”. Without any other change. This is,ladies and gentlemen, the most epic trolling in the history of Eurovision. Sorry, Silvia Night, but you just were out-trolled.

Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La la love

This might be the best song in the contest (well, second only to Iceland), and the fact that she clearly has the time of her life singing it just makes it even better, but… we still don’t know how the delivery will because the only live performance I’ve found totally sucks. Since it started as my favorite and my last two years favorites (Slovakia 2010 and Poland 2011) commited suicide in the semifinals, I don’t have very high hopes, but I’ll cross my fingers anyway.

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve known better

This is Denmark, thinking they give a shit. But I had to stop it after 1:30, so I don’t. Seriously, how can some people think this is gonna win? The only thing I like about it is the chav playing cello (That’s brilliant! How come nobody thought of that before?). But the song is… just not. The bad part is that another song in the national final had almost guaranteed a third top 5 for Denmark. The worse part is that it was the favorite of all but one of the international juries, and was kicked out by the Danish televote. Now if this sinks to the second half of the table, and I think it will, Danes will wonder why Europe doesn’t like them anymore. Well, duh!

Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party for everybody

You know things are near rock bottom when Russia is not giving a shit. I think this stage is the same they used for their Junior Eurovision final, and they’re sending something fun, lovable, and that doesn’t stand a chance of winning. (But if they do don’t worry, people, it’s not like it’ll be the end of the world)

Hungary: Compact Disco – Sound of our hearts

Remember what I said about Switzerland? You can copy and paste it  here word by word.

Austria: Trackhittaz – Woki mit deim Popo

This is Austria giving a shit. And it won’t flush away. I’m not gonna say more because if I did, I would have to be mean.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeny – Lautar

Moldova NEVER gives a shit and it’s not like they were gonna start this year. They just do their thing, wether that is a sax player rubbing his crotch on his sax, a monocycling fairy, a drumming babushka or, like it’s here, literally riding Gaga girls onstage. And somehow they always manage to make it work in their own, very Moldovan way, like that hippie brother you love even when he’s making you facepalm.

Once you get through the weirdness, this song has a great tune. The lyrics… would be better in their own language.

Ireland: Jedward – Waterline

Because if this guys with some song and some show landed them their first top 10 in forever last year, the same guys with the same song (well, a little better, I admit) and the same show are gonna do the same thing this year, right?

Wrong.

Aaaand that does it for for the first semi.

The five countries that totally should pass to the final:

Iceland, Greece, Cyprus, Romania and, just for my evil pleasure, San Marino.

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Montenegro, Latvia, Austria, Denmark and Hungary.

Let’s see, five more to complete the finalists:

Israel, Moldova, Albania, Finland… and I’m sure Russia’s gonna pass, so…

The cutest guy this semi is the guitarrist from Sinplus, and the cutest girl is a tie between Ivi and Eleftheria.

Why we shouldn’t fear the Babushki

By now I’m sure all the Eurofans have heard about the Buranovskiye Babushki, but just in case someone has been living under a rock, here they are. Of course, they’re one  of those all-or-nothing things that sometimes pop up in Eurovision: you either love them or hate them. Like Silvia Night.

They have caused a lot of turnmoil because they appear high on the odds, sometimes even placing three (below Sweden, that seems to be the red hot favourite, and Denmark, that I honestly don’t know how can even place in the odds). People here and there say that a victory for them will prove that Eurovision is all a big joke and it has no credibility left.

But I don’t worry at all. I would be annoyed if they win (because there are at least ten songs I like better, even if this year is a lot worse than the last three), but I don’t worry about the future, credibility and all that of the contest.

Why?

Well, just let me quote some people:

“This was not a song contest, it was a show”

“The absence of talent and the mediocrity of the songs were where annoyance set in. Eurovision is a monument to drivel” (This one comes from an official broadcaster statement. They withdrew the next year)

If you don’t recognize these quotes it’s because they are from 1981. Yup, 31 years ago. The first one if by the Swedish representative, and the second one is from the French broadcaster. Both were caused by Buck’s Fizz victory. Yeah, that act that now looks cute and kinda childish. France returned in 1983 represented by another TV channel.

Eurovision has “lost” its credibility lots of times. And depending on who you ask, it lost it in different times. Of course, United Kingdom wouldn’t say their win was a blow to the credibility of the contest, but their first last placing was. And the second. And the third. And basically every time they place outside the top ten.

If you ask Sweden, on the other hand, the British victory in 1981 destroyed the credibility of Eurovision. According to them, the contest lost all credibility again in 2010, when they didn’t pass to the final, and despite having no credibility left, it somehow managed to lose some more in 2011 because they didn’t win. And don’t you doubt it will lose even more if they don’t win this time.

If we ask Malta, the contest turned into a show and stopped being about the songs because Marie N beat Ira Losco thanks to a dazzling choreography. And the same when Helena Paparizou defeated Chiara by exactly the same means. We could go on and on with this, but it pretty much can be summarized saying that the contest loses all of its credibility every year.

At least according to some people.

So… yeah. I’ll be annoyed if the Babushki win, but Eurovision has managed to survive lots of things in its 56 year history, and it can manage to survive a winner that relies exclusively on shock value. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before, you know. In fact, I think it will be dealt with automatically just by the way the contest works:

If you want to win the contest, you need to stand out, either by having a good song (like France Gall), a great voice (like Sertab Erener), shock value (like… yes, Lordi) or a great staging (like Ell & Nikki). If you don’t have any of this, you can try by sheer force of charisma, like did Lena. (You can’t have all of it together unless you’re Ruslana, by the way).

In a year full of ballads, like 2012, non-ballads will stand out and have higher chances of winning. But, what would happen in the worst-case scenario if the Babushki win? If the contest becomes a mockery, with all countries competing to see who can send the biggest troll and the most absolute parody, how long would it take for the public and juries to get fed up of that?

In a generous calculation, less than a year. In a contest full of jokes, a good and serious act would stand out more easily, and the pendulum would swing again to the other side. And that is in the worst possible scenario, most of times the contest keeps a healthy mix of seriousness and trolling (even if I’m not quite fond of trolling acts, specially when the trolling is really obvious, they’re neccessary for keep the contest fresh and not too serious).

The short version: Don’t worry. I don’t think the Babushki will win. And if they do, Eurovision won’t lose any credibility. And even if it lost credibility, it doesn’t need credibility. And even if it needed it, it would be recovered pretty quickly.

Besides, you shouln’t fear the Buranovskiye Babushki because you can easily outrun them.

Big Culo Day 2012

Llevo tres años consecutivos uniéndome al Big Culo Day convocado por Jotacé, pero siempre he sentido que hay una gran injusticia detrás de este día: Demasiados culos de mujeres y muy pocos culos de hombres.

Así que, para remediar esto:





De nada.

Cómo puedo saber si mi novio es gay.

(Lo admito, el título está puesto  para atraer las búsquedas)

Aquí vamos, de forma clara y completamente honesta: NO. SE. PUEDE. Es imposible saber a ciencia cierta si alguien, quien sea, es gay. ¿La razón? Muchas veces aprendemos a disimular que somos gays incluso antes de ser conscientes de serlo.  Si una persona heterosexual intentara pasar UN DÍA ocultando su heterosexualidad se daría cuenta de lo difícil que es… pero tenemos bastante práctica.

Así que de entrada, no existen signos inequívocos que puedan decir si alguien (léase novio, hermano, mejor amigo, etcétera) es gay. Pero claro, siempre puede uno sacar pistas. Así que aquí abajo, en orden creciente de fiabilidad, hay cinco señales para saber si tu novio es gay:

5. Incomodidad frente a otros hombres.

Ésta es bastante simple: si un hombre está en el clóset es lógico que se sienta incómodo en situaciones de cierta intimidad con otros hombres, por ejemplo en el baño, o en un vestidor deportivo. Sobre todo si entra con alguien atractivo o abiertamente gay, porque el miedo a ser descubierto aumenta con cualquiera de los dos. Claro, una chica no puede entrar ahí, pero siempre se puede recolectar información a través de sus amigos/conocidos. Aunque claro, puede que no sea gay, sino sencillamente muy tímido. Como dije, es imposible saberlo a ciencia cierta.

4. Nombres, caras y situaciones.

Esta requiere observarlo interactuar con mucha gente y durante un largo periodo de tiempo. Si tu novio recuerda más fácilmente a otros hombres, así como las circunstancias en que los conoció, y tiene problemas recordando a las mujeres, puedes estar en problemas. En especial si recuerda más fácilmente a un hombre mientras más atractivo sea. Pero claro, de nuevo, es posible que simplemente su memoria funcione de forma rara.

3. Lenguaje corporal

Tanto si está sentado como si está de pie, un hombre tiene cierta tendencia a volver su cuerpo, todo o en parte, hacia alguien que encuentre atractivo. Observa a tu novio cuando está cerca de otras personas.  ¿Apunta con su cuerpo o cabeza hacia alguien? Si son otras mujeres, perfecto. Si son otros hombres tienes problemas. Si son otros hombres Y no vuelve su cuerpo de la misma forma hacia ti… bueno, tienes problemas. Pero de nueva cuenta, un chico heterosexual puede tener un lenguaje ambiguo, y uno homosexual tener el suficiente autocontrol para disimular incluso a un nivel tan sutil.

2. Lenguaje visual

Éste es el más sutil y difícil de analizar de todos, pero al mismo tiempo el más claro (aunque de nuevo, no es absolutamente infalible). Observa cómo es que la mayoría de los hombres miran a las mujeres, en especial si son atractivas. Las siguen con los ojos desde antes que lleguen y hasta que se van, y recorren sus cuerpos con los ojos. Observa con cuidado si tu novio mira así a otras mujeres (aunque puede que simplemente se esfuerce en no hacerlo estando tú presente). Si no lo hace puedes empezar a preocuparte. Si no lo hace, y mira así a otros hombres, puedes estar casi segura de que es gay.

1. ¡Honestidad, maldita sea!

¿Has pensado en preguntarle? En serio, si tu novio y tú no tienen suficiente confianza para poder preguntarle algo así y que comprenda por qué lo piensas si se lo explicas, deberías preguntarte qué haces andando con él en primer lugar.