Category Archives: Gay

Eurovision final review: OMG Azerbaijan!

I watched this year’s final with another generic Eurovision fan, plus an “alternative fan” (that means his favorite acts are Eldrine and Verka Serduchka), with a bottle of soda and a bag of chips. Cousin was nowhere to be seen and my brother is dead scared of Eurovision, so it was just the three of us.

This year’s final was a giant postcard interrupted every now and then by songs. Seriously, Azerbaijan took the “Eurovision as a platform to promote your country” very seriously.  If they spent a shitload of money on building a concert hall just for the contest, they might as well make the most from it, but if we get to know Baku ad nauseam just from the postcards, why would we need to go? That’s not smart.

The opening was pretty much Beijing Olympics indoors, with flying people, a globe, traditional dancers, drums and fire. Also, rainfire and Ell & Nikki lipsyncing to themselves. Quite spectacular, to be honest.

It had three presenters and I don’t remember any of them. Not even Eldar.

Good ‘ole Engelbert from UK was truly nice, you know. I liked the idea of things appearing and disappearing, although I would have preferred it to stay that way, this is the kind of song that doesn’t need a grandiose ending. Still, placing 25th out of 26 is really unfair

You know Hungary is artistic because they have rock and don’t care about the lights. Hum… no, thanks. Still, is a good thing that we get to see the catwalk in use this early. 24th. Whatever.

Time for Albania. What exactly where they thinking, I don’t know. Here she comes with knives on her ears, the most horrible dress she could find, a ball on her head, zero backing and a dreadlock that looks like a rope that looks like a piece of poo stuck on her chest. Seriously, this is so agressively non-Eurovision that I don’t know how they dared to bring it. And then she SINGS, and none of it matters. Even if the song is also truly non-Eurovisive, it doesn’t matter at all. She’s just that amazing. Fifth, and still too low. But wow.

When you’re as hot as Donny from Lithuania, you can get away with anything, and that includes an in-your-face blindfold, and pretending to touch himself infront of 100 million people. That takes balls… nevermind. 14th. If it was for looks alone he would have won and God knows it.

Bosnia and Herzegovina was all about pissing the hosts. Did you build the biggest LED screen in Eurovision history? How about me using them to project nothing at all? Also, I’m gonna use your fans for a total of ten seconds. Live with it. I wasn’t convinced when I watched it first, but after several months the whole staging looks a lot better than it dit back in May. Still, I don’t care about your placing. Oh, well, 18th. Meh.

A year ago, with the sand drawings from Ukraine, I wondered if next year would bring knitting, sculping, or… baking. Well, someone in Russia apparently reads my blog: Say hello to the Buranovskiye Babushki! This is one of the most random things ever to grace the contest. I know it was kinda cute and funny, but didn’t make sense. And still, it placed second. Good to know it’s one of those things that can only work once.

Iceland had an amazing act brought down by dozens of little failures. Too much light, too much smiling, bad camerawork and seriously, the backing singers should have staid out of sight.  The song is still great, but honestly, I can understand it flunked. 20th. As I said, I can understand it.

Why, Cyprus, why? Why did you have to send such a great song, with such a horrible singer? Seriously, if it wasn’t for Ivi’s voice, this would be top 5 material hands down. Why, Cyprus? 16th Just… why?.

The problem with France is their completely random-ish show. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for veils, fans and shirtless men (Duh!) but they have to make sense to work, and here they don’t. Her alone onstage would’ve worked a lot better, I think. 22nd and nil points from televote. This is the closest France has been to lose outright in forever.

Italy needs some warm lights. Full stop. Seriously, the song is great and the staging is decent, but this just looks too… cold. 9th. I’m not sure if she deserved it, but not mad she got it.

Estonia is perfection made man and song. That’s all there’s to say. 6th. Justice is nowhere to be found.

Norway is giving us a cheesy disco stomper. I didn’t even know that could exist, but… wow. This is at the same time one of the best things and one of the worst things in the contest. I like it, but really. Last. With less points than poor Josh from UK.

Azerbaijan built the biggest LED screen in Eurovision history so they could ditch it and project things in the singer’s dress instead. No kidding.
The song is the most generic thing of the night, but at least the performance is good. Have you heard the ethnic version, in azeri language and with traditional arranges? Because is a thousand times better. Maybe then it would’ve been worthy a top 10. 4th. You’ve gotta be kidding me, Europe.

Romania’s still not giving a fuck. They’re just giving us some delicious camp with the worst Spanish I’ve ever heard, and I love them so much for that. 12th. Not that I really cared, you know.

Denmark is just as interesting as waiting for a bus for three hours with nothing to do. Why this song got written, I don’t know. Why someone performs it, I don’t know. Why it won it’s national final, and why it qualified to the final are a complete mistery. I still can’t stand it. 23rd. Told you, Denmark.

Thank God for Greece. Thanks for their camp, their sirtaki, that thing that’s not even a dress, the rythm, and not even trying to hide that all the singing is actually done in the background. This is exactly what I needed to awaken right now. 17th. Damn, how the migthy have fallen, five years ago this would have placed third at the very least!

And then it comes… well, Sweden.  Yeah, a great staging and stuff, but I didn’t find it THAT amazing. I mean, it’s a decent winner and I liked it (specially the slow camera fall at the very end), and I’m not angry she won, but I still think it’s overrated, and I think there were better songs this year.  Winner by a country mile, of course. If it has to be…

You could very well get stoned before you watch Turkey, because it must make a lot more sense that way. There’s some batmanesque coreography, sailor motifs and a cape-made boat. For real. M-mn, not joking. There’s a friggin’ boat onstage and it has nothing to do with the song. Maybe I should smoke some pot and rewatch this. What worries me is that it still placed 7th. Drug consumption in Europe must be off the ceiling.

The problem with Spain is not the song, because it’s pretty good. Ain’t the singer, either, because man, she CAN sing. The problem is the dress. It’s a beautiful white dress strapled on top of a flesh colored something that we’re not supposed to see, but it’s pretty obvious. Ugh. Also, the lights from behind remind us that she’s nude under that dress. Not infront of the children, Spain!. 10th.

Germany is nice, but quite forgettable. Good show, good song, good singer. Yeah. That. Not anything that Estonia hasn’t done better this year. 8th. Without a single twelve. That’s pretty impressive, but then again, Estonia did it better.

Malta managed to bring the best out of a bland pop act and make it wonderful. The foot movements are just the top of the cake. I love all in this act. 21st. Europe must be blind.

And… here comes Kaliopi, basking on her own amazingness. She starts with a simple, easy ballad. Alternative fan doesn’t look impressed. Then she switches to ROCK! and Alternative fan does a spit take. Then she gives us her epic scream, and Alternative fan is just too shocked to comment. And I. AM. IN. LOVE. Thirteenth. Like, what the fuck, Europe.

Jedward doesn’t bother to jump to their fountain until the very end, so I’m not gonna bother with them. 19th, in case you were wondering.

I don’t get the Zeljko love that much. Yeah, not bad, but not either anything we haven’t seen before, and the show is a tad too simple for the song and it lacks punch. I would place it around tenth or so, but Europe doesn’t agree with me, it seems. Because it places third somehow.

Because you need to save on small stuff when you care bringing your own LED screens, Ukraine is wearing toilet paper strips and has the most repetitive lyrics in the night. You know this is gonna be awful when she uses her voice to acompany the trumpets. Yup, not even the shirtless musicians can save this. Sorry, Ukraine. But hey, nice way to get around the people onstage limit. 15th, and not low enough.

And we close with Moldova, with something Georgia wouldn’t dare sending to Junior Eurovision. I don’t know who in Moldova gets these ideas, I just hope they never run out of drugs. 11th, somehow.

The interval act is some more minutes of Azeri selfworship, plus the hottest guy in the night with a pointless song, and then the votes that get boring quite fast.

Loreen also wins 2 Marcels, and the third goes to Azerbaijan. The Barbara Dex somehow evades Jedward and goes to Albania instead. WHAT.

Eurovision review: Let the bad songs rob the second semi!

The first semi did things quite good. I mean, all the nonqualifiers, or nearly all, didn’t have final quality, so I was quite content with the results. Here, on the other hand…

We start with Zeljko and Kaliopi. Allthe Balkans but Greece, Montenegro and Albania play in this semi, so we shouldn’t be surprised that they pass.

Joan Franka had, hands down, one of the best songs of the semi and she didn’t pass. Even if the delivery was far from perfect and the dress was an exageration, she. SHOULD. HAVE. PASSED. Justice is crying.

Then it comes Malta which surprised me quite dearly by earning their pass, and then Belarus, with a staging far better than Switzerland and Hungary, but with the same generic bland rock song. Seriously, I can barelly tell those songs apart.

Portugal has the best backgroun since LEDS were invented and a terrific song. The camerawork could be better and she had a minor slip at the beginning, but we know the main failure of this was not being Balkan. Or Soviet, because Gaitana passes with something far, far worse.

Bulgaria spent all their money on fireworks and couldn’t rent dancers, so Sofi Marinova spends three minutes parading alone onstage, with a huge boxing belt holding her breasts in place. I’m not sure if they qualify as Balkan, but for sure they didn’t get Balkan love.

Slovenia was better than expected, but still I can’t forgive them for not sending A Si Sanjal Me, so.. sorry.

What? Croatia didn’t pass either? I mean, yes, she was wearing the most horrible dress of the year, but in a five Balkan semi (six, if we count Bulgaria) I’m amazed she didn’t qualify. Even if she deserves it for not bringing the veil.

Sweden qualifies, of course, and of course, Georgia doesnt. They actually did a good job with a deliciously camp staging and a suit I would like to wear, but nothing, NOTHING, can save a song when it is this bad.

Turkey passes (duh!) and Estonia passes (yay!), but Slovakia is.. well… Slovakia, so they stay on the semi with a song that would give Turkey a top six. Max might be rocking the stage, I don’t know. All I know is he has a great torso and a nice butt.

Then they come Norway, Bosnia and Lithuania, and all of them pass.

Azerbaijan is so much of a diva that they got the winners of five years to do an interval on a SEMIFINAL. What they didn’t know is that for an interval the winners meant “drunk karaoke”. Dima at his gayest, Lena at her creepiest, Marija at her butchiest, random Alexander and Ell and Nikki who clearly haven’t seen each other since they won and didn’t care. For Waterloo, Dima either sings so bad that they cut his micro, or he was thinking nobody would notice we wasn’t even attempting shit. Extra points to Zeljko not singing along to Molitva and smiling patronisingly, while Kalilopi goes full force on it. And Tooji happy like a puppy with Fairytale was the cutest thing ever.

Let’s go to the final!

If I were an Eurovision country

These would be my points:

12: Iceland

10: Italy

8: Estonia

7: Greece

6: Cyprus

5: Portugal

4: Germany

3: Lithuania

2: Serbia

1: France

The winner quality club opens its doors to: Iceland, Estonia, Portugal, France and Italy.

The ones who fall a little short: Greece, because even I have to admit it’s too generic. Cyprus, because we’re still to see a good live delivery. Lithuania, because he HAS to fix his performance. Germany because his song is lacking something, I don’t know what, Serbia because he needs a stronger buildup, and Sweden because there’s no substance behind all that style.

Best song overall: Iceland, of course. I think we haven’t seen anything this good on this style since Greece 2001.

Best show overall on the preview: Quite predictably, Sweden.

Worst song overall: Georgia and Austria. I can’t pick one.

Shittiest song overall: I was about to say Austria, but no. San Marino.

Overall, the cutest guy is Ott Lepland from Estonia, and the hottest guy is Roman Lob from Germany. The cutest girl is Joan Franka from Netherlands and the hottest girl is Eleftheria from Greece, but it’s not like the female pool this year was that extraordinary.

Listos para Eurovisión: Los finalistas, y mis votos.

Porque somos demasiado cool para estar en semifinales:

Francia: Amaury Vassili – Sognu

Amaury Vassili es Patricia Kaas, pero en hombre. Una de esas veces, digo, que Francia recuerda que son FRANCIA con mayúsculas y se supone que tengan CLASE con mayúsculas, así que se agarran a un gran nombre con montones de clase y demuestran que todavía puede irles bien cuando se esfuerzan. Sé que es el favorito, pero desde que me lo imaginé cantando el Trololo no puedo verlo ganando. Lo siento.

Italia: Raphael Gualazzi – Madness of love

No tengo la más mínima idea de si esto es clásico o rancio. Honestamente, Italia debería traer algo un poco más actual después de 14 años de ausencia, porque así parece que están completamente fuera de práctica.

Inglaterra: Blue – I can

Algo como esto, por ejemplo. Siendo Inglaterra y no teniendo a Andrew Lloyd Webber al piano, apuesto a que queda en los últimos diez, a menos que decidan enseñar un poco de cuerpo. A mí me gusta, pero… es Inglatera.

Alemania: Lena – Taken by a stranger

¿Listos, Aurela y Jedward? Lena viene a darles competencia en cuanto a alimentar pesadillas.  Si el año pasado que ganó me hubieran dicho que Lena podía dar tanto miedo no lo habría creído. Lo siento,pero dado que aunque no me gustó “Satellite” como ganadora, me gustó como canción, y me cayó bien Lena, voy a fingir que esta canción no existe para no arruinarlo.

España: Lucía Pérez – Que me quiten lo bailao

Esta canción me hace compadecer a Europa: pueden darse cuenta que España no está intentándolo con ganas, pero como no hablan español no pueden apreciar la auténtica magnificencia de este no esforzarse. Lo siento, pero aunque hice todo lo posible, no soy capaz de odiar esta canción.

De cualquier forma, sé que a ningún español le va a gustar. Les encanta odiarse.

Eso es todo.  Y por cierto, hay una epidemia de letras redundantes y todavía no se ha encontrado una cura. Tenemos el fabuloso “neverending forever” de Lituania, el brutal “danger is a risky business” de Alemania, y sobre todo el épico “don’t tell me that’s impossible, ’cause I know it’s possible” de Suecia. ¿Cómo esperan que nos tomemos en serio canciones con letras así? ¿En especial si la de Suecia está justo al principio de la canción?

Si yo fuera un país, mis votos serían:

12:  Polonia

10: Serbia

8: Israel

7: Finlandia

6: Hungría

5: España (¡Silencio, perras!)

4: Croacia

3: Noruega

2: Rusia

1: Dinamarca (O tal vez Azerbaiyán)

Listos para Eurovisión: Semifinal II.

Aquí vamos. Estoy básicamente traduciendo mis comentarios en inglés, cambiando unos cuantos, así que si parte del post está en inglés… vuelvan más tarde.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Dino Merlin – Love in rewind

La canción me gusta: es melancólica, pero no depresiva, y el tipo de verdad sabe cantar. Pero el baile… niños y niñas, miren con atención: por eso es que no hay que beber antes de salir al escenario. ¿Está claro?

Austria: Nadine Beiler – The secret is love

Por si no tuvimos suficiente con una Balada Disney, este año tenemos DOS. Austria… me gusta tu canción, y entiendo que la última vez que participaste fue en la década pasada y estás un poco fuera de práctica, pero si vas a regresar, hazlo en grande. Trae a las Rounder Girls.

Países Bajos: 3JS – Never alone

¡A la peluquería ahora mismo! ¡Y de ahí al baño y a cortarse las uñas! Y ya que estámos en eso, cambio de guardarropa. La canción… la canción se puede quedar, es pasable. Por supuesto, después de darnos lo mejor del año pasado con el Sha-la-lie (y no, no estoy siendo sarcástico), es obvio que Holanda necesita un descanso.

Bélgica: Witloof Bay – With love baby

Esto es interesante. Hum… sí, eso, interesante. Es obvio que no van a llevarse nada (ni siquiera el pase a la final), pero es bueno tener algo tan distinto en el concurso de cuando en cuando. Es… eso, interesante.

Eslovaquia: Twiins – I’m still alive

Verso… no, coro… no, verso, no… ¿Qué es eso? No le entiendo a esta canción. Ya le di todas las oportunidades posibles y sigo sin entenderle. No puedo creer que esté escribiendo esto, pero cuando le añadieron rap mejoró, y es la primera canción que escucho en mi vida de la que pueda decirse eso.

Ucrania: Mika Newton – Angel

¡Porque no es una final nacional de Ucrania si no hay drama y se arriesgan a una multa! Un par de horas después de que Johanna… digo, Mika, ganara, ya estaban acusándola de sobornar jueces y manipular votos por teléfono. Uno de los jueces incluso lo admitió… más o menos.

Ucrania ya sabe lidiar con eso, así que convocaron a una nueva final, en la que participarían las tres que quedaron mejor en la anterior. Y ahí es donde empieza la diversión: Mika dijo que quería cambiar su canción. Después, las otras dos concursantes se retiraron (una con una excusa increíblemente falsa y la otra diciendo que la nueva final iba a estar igual de comprada que la anterior).

Y así, una semana antes de la fecha límite, se quedaron con en esta esquina Mika y en la otra nadie, y Mika, sin canción. Al final la televisora que representa a Ucrania decidió que ya había tenido suficiente y le enjaretó la versión en inglés de la canción. Con una letra horrible, dicho sea de paso.

Y no solo eso, sino que Mika está metiéndole mucha más fuerza de la que requiere. Suena mucho peor que la versión en ucraniano. Sólo espero que en la final vuelvan a ponerla en un pastel de bodas.

Y aún con todo esto, no es lo más desorganizado que vamos a ver este año.

Moldova: Zdob si Zdub – So lucky

Sombreros cónicos, trompetas y un hada en monociclo. Sin duda, Moldova es especialista en hacer del mal gusto un arte, pero esto está yendo demasiado lejos. Preferiría algo así como el video oficial, enseñando pezones y pechos descubiertos, y con el vocalista pareciéndose a Reese Rideout (NO ES BUENA IDEA BUSCAR EL NOMBRE EN GOOGLE. AL MENOS NO EN HORAS DE TRABAJO)

Suecia: Eric Saade – Popular

Lo primero que saltó en mi mente cuando vi esta presentación fue “Suecia de verdad está desesperada”. Lo segundo que fue “Y no pasar a la final el año pasado sí que hirió lo más profundo de sus almas”. Y siguieron pensamientos como ésos durante los tres minutos que duró la canción. Este año no hay problema: tienen seguro el pase a la final, incluso si  los únicos nórdicos que pueden ayudarlos son Irlanda y Dinamarca. (Yup. Irlanda es nórdico durante la semana de Eurovisión)

Chipre: Christos Mylordos – San aggelos s’agapissas

Creo que es lo más largo que hemos visto en un concurso sin una sola canción que no esté en inglés. Pero aquí Chipre, como no se entera de nada, nos trae una en griego… y que ni trayendo a Zorba podría ser más griega. Suena muy bonito a la primera, pero a la segunda y siguientes termina por aburrir. Tengo la ligera sospecha de que Chipre no va a comerse un rosco este año.

Bulgaria: Poli Genova  – Na inat.

Segunda canción que no está en inglés. Me recuerda a Roxette. O a Pink. ¿Alguna vez han participado esas chicas en Eurovisión? Si no, ¿A qué estamos esperando para mandarlas? Y por cierto, quiero una tecladotarra.

Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

Y con esta, terminamos con las canciones que no tienen nada de inglés.  La especialidad de Macedonia son las mezclas raras, pero me gusta mucho más la que hicieron este año, sobre todo porque sé que la garganta va a dolerle espantosamente después de la semifinal, y porque después del primer minuto todo es coro. Y porque está bueno, quiero verlo sin camisa.

Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong

¡Aquí viene, Dana Motherfucking International, a enseñarnos como es que hay que hacer las cosas! Puede que no tenga el busto integrado en sus genes, pero sabe moverlo como nadie, y sigue siendo ella: Dana. Motherfucking. International. Y con esta, terminamos con las canciones que tiene al menos un poco de no-inglés.

Eslovenia: Maja Keuc – No one.

Eso, Eslovenia, por fin lo entiendes. ¿Ves que era fácil admitir que si no eres Turquía o Grecia no tienes esperanzas con un acto folklórico? Es un buen acto: no brutal, pero sí efectivo. Me gusta.

Rumania: Hotel FM – Change.

Puedo imaginarme al director de escena: “Moños, tirantes, fedoras, ¿Cómo podemos volver esto más vintage?

¡Ya sé! ¡Faltan TROMPETAS!”

Y luego, con las tomas y el sombrero a cuadros del baterista, esto pasa de vintage a Mr. Sandman. Mira y aprende, Simon Matthew, así es como se hace un acto vintage.

Estonia: Getter Jaani – Rockefeller street.

¿Eh? ¿Qué rayos es eso? No entiendo de qué se supone que trate la canción. Ni siquiera estoy seguro que sea una canción. Es demasiado rara. Tiene algunos puntos interesantes (la magia, los bailarines, y el paso de verso a coro es impresionantemente fluido) pero en general, no tiene sentido. Necesito un diagrama para entenderla.

Belarús: Anastasia Vinnikova – I love Belarus

Y… díganle hola a la Alyosha de este año. Ahí va la historia completa: Anastasia ganó la final nacional con una canción titulada Born in Belorussia. La letra tenía menciones a la URSS, y la EBU, que no tenía ganas de buscarse problemas con un país que ya no existe, le pidió a Belarús que la cambiara.

Los compositores revolvieron un poquito la letra y la volvieron a sacar con el título I am Belarusian. Creo que la canción es  esta, pero no estoy seguro porque un día después o algo así, descubrieron que  la canción ya se había interpretado hace un año. Anastasia dijo que no era la misma canción porque habían cambiado la letra, pero nadie le hizo caso.

En este punto de la historia el año pasado, Alyosha se encerró a su cuarto a llorar y salió con una canción completamente nueva. Pero Anastasia estaba demasiado enamorada de su canción, así que ella (bueno, más bien los compositores) revolvieron más la canción, hicieron corte y costura hasta que pudieron fingir que era otra canción distinta, y la volvieron a sacar con el título de I love Belarus.

Por si el título no es lo bastante claro, es una de esas canciones en que un país se dedica a contarle a Europa lo maravilloso que es y cómo todos sus paisajes son bonitos y todos sus habitantes huelen bien. Pero no me importa, a cualquier país se le debe permitir un poco de eso de cuando en cuando. Además, me enloquece el instrumento metálico ese que suena al principio.

Letonia: Musiqq – Angel in disguise.

¿Por qué, Letonia, si te quiero tanto, insistes en hacerme esto?Año tras año tienes artistas tan buenos en tu final nacional… y tienes que elegir siempre al peor de todos para mandarlo a Eurovisión. El 2009 tenías a Kristina Zaharova con una canción de Martins Freimanis, y a Aisha en su mejor momento, y mandaste a Intars. El 2010 tenías a Lauris, Ivo y Kristina, y elegiste a Aisha en su peor momento. Y este año tenías a Ivo, Dace Upite y Lauris… ¿y eliges a Musiqq?

Cada vez haces más difícil quererte, Letonia.

Dinamarca: A Friend in London – New Tomorrow

Katrina and the Waves después de un cambio de sexo. Eso resume perfectamente a A friend in London. Puede funcionar con un show adecuado (y Dinamarca realmente sabe cómo hacerlos), pero lo que realmente importa: LAS. PELOTAS. TIENEN. QUE. IR. A. DÜSSELDORF.

(Ah, y la chica que quedó segunda en la final nacional también es increíble. Por cosas como esta es que te quiero, Dinamarca.)

Irlanda: Jedward – Lipstick.

Entre Lena, la tipa de Albania y estos chicos, mis pesadillas van a estar plagadas por artistas de Eurovisión este año. De verdad me dan miedo.

La única razón por la que les perdono todo el… ellos, es porque son el primer (o a lo más, el segundo) acto irlandés que suena como si perteneciera al siglo XX, y porque son lo más gay que vamos a ver este año.

Suecia y Ucrania tienen seguro el pase, e Israel casi seguro. Además, me gustaría ver en la final a Austria, Israel, Bulgaria, Eslovenia, Dinamarca, Rumania, Bélgica y Bielorrusia.

Uno + Uno = Uno + Una

Hay cierta comunidad en facebook, que antes tenía pagina en internet, llamada Uno + Una = Matrimonio (A la que definitivamente no voy a hacerle el favor de ponerle un enlace), que se dedica a oponerse al matrimonio gay en México.

Incluso están buscando hacer una propuesta de ley para revertir la legalización del matrimonio gay en la ciudad de México. Algo así como la NOM, pero en región 4.

Afirman hacerlo en defensa del matrimonio.

Y yo me pregunto: ¿Por qué consideran que el matrimonio gay es una amenaza a la institución del matrimonio?

Una pareja homosexual busca que se le otorgue el derecho a casarse. Una persona que se opone a ello busca restringir el derecho de algunas personas a casarse. ¿Quién de los dos busca limitar la institución del matrimonio? ¿Quién de ellos busca que la gente no se case?

Siempre ha habido quien ve una amenaza en cualquier cambio. Pasó con la imprenta, pasó con el ingreso de los negros a las universidades… pasa con el matrimonio gay. Hubo quienes llamaron “un experimento irresponsable” a la democracia, y “un ataque a las estructuras fundamentales de nuestra sociedad” al voto femenino.

El argumento más socorrido que ofrecen son los niños, básicamente de dos formas distintas:

a) Afirmando que los niños tienen derecho a un padre y una madre, o que necesitan tenerlos para desarrollar su concepción de roles de género. Lo cual, si lo llevamos un poco al extremo, justifica arrebatar los hijos a viudas y madres solteras. Y a quienes por algún motivo viven con los abuelos en lugar de los padres. Las familias atípicas ya son (y, en realidad, siempre han sido) parte de la sociedad, y esta no ha tenido ningún problema con ello.

b) Afirmando que si un niño crece con padres homosexuales, ellos intentarán hacerlo homosexual y el niño tendrá problemas psicológicos.

Esto, francamente, es un sinsentido. De familias homosexuales se puede esperar, en promedio, más apertura mental y tolerancia hacia la orientación sexual que de las familias tradicionales, por una razón muy simple:

En una familia tradicional es más probable que se intente imponer a los niños la heterosexualidad, por el sólo hecho de que vivimos en una sociedad heteronormativa, y por el hecho de que la mayoría de los niños nacen en familias tradicionales. Y, lo puedo decir porque lo he vivido personalmente, ser un hijo homosexual en una familia heteronormativa puede ser una auténtica pesadilla. Y, por lo que sé de las personas homosexuales a las que conozco, esta situación no es la excepción sino lo habitual. Así, es más de esperarse de una pareja homosexual que estén más sensibilizados acerca de la orientación sexual de sus hijos y más dispuestos a respetarla (y más sensibilizados y preparados para afrontar el acoso y discriminación en general, como consecuencia indirecta).

No voy a dirigirme a quienes ofrecen un argumento puramente religioso (después de todo, son los más honestos de quienes se oponen al matrimonio gay), sino a quienes intentan disfrazarlo con argumentos prácticos: La humanidad ha sobrevivido a muchos cambios a lo largo de su existencia, y algunos, como la expansión de internet, la industrialización y las vacunas, mucho más profundos y radicales que el matrimonio gay.

Por otro lado, el modelo social que promueven NO ES UN ABSOLUTO. Siempre ha habido modelos de familias y sociedades distintos, y que han funcionado igual de bien. Nuestro propio modelo social es algo en perpetuo cambio, y es lógico si se considera que vivimos en un mundo en perpetuo cambio.

Live with it, bitches.

Frases para la posteridad presenta:

“my oh my the things I would do to that boy if I played for the other team!”

Dicha por un hombre claramente heterosexual.

Eurovision: Review of the Final.

This will get updated a few times before I finish, because blah blah blah.

I couldn’t see the beginning (screw TVE), but I know it had Alexander Rybak with a slow version of Fairytale and stuff. Whatever. Russia did it better, honestly.

And up to the songs!

Azerbaijan: Safura – Drip Drop.

That’s it, Safura! Take out the barechested dancers, and with them all that could possibly be interesting in your act!  BTW, look at the skirt. This is the fashion I was talking about last post. However, her dress is great (there had to be something good here). For whatever the reason it was, she’s wearing half of a glove, and there’s a man in black parading on the stage. Are we supposed to recognize him?

At the middle of the song, she goes to the little sidestage, they start the fans and she goes super dramatic. And then forgets to go to the center and has to hurry back. I can’t help but laughing every time I see her run.
5th. O Rly, Europe?

Spain: Daniel Diges – Algo pequeñito.

I’m impressed. The choreographer got the dancers in the most akward positions ever conceived, told them to hold the poses… and they did. Then some fucker sneaks onstage and they don’t even blink. Then THE GUARDS go onstage after that loser and they act like they weren’t there. Then the fucker goes onstage again… oh, wait, no, this time it was the backing singer. Also, here’s a nice work witht the fireworks.  Anyway, talk about professionalism.
15th. I wouldn’t mind if he and Safura traded places.

Norway: Didrik Solli-Tangen – My heart is yours.

What a shame. Such a hot man, with such a beautiful face, and specially such an amazing voice, wasted on that lame song! You can see he’s doing his best, but it’s impossible to save the song. Poor boy, poor, poor boy.

And Norway went simple and elegant about the antics. In fact, I was surprised that they put a lot of things on the stage, and only use lights for most of the song, and fireworks for like the last five seconds.
20th. The song deserved it. The singer didn’t.

Moldova: Olia Tira and Sunstroke Project – Run away

Now here are the antics! Because if it weren’t for acts like this, the contest would be too cheap! A violinist on a spinning platform, with a skeleton fluorescent violin! A girl doing her best to look at her worst, and then a sax and ohwaitwhatthehellishedoing???!!! Dude! There might be kids watching! Stop doing… THAT to the sax! Two dudes open their shirts to see if they can smug the gay vote, and the violinist makes faces. This is great!
22nd. What?

Cyprus: Jon Lilygreen and the Islanders – Life looks better on spring.

Here we have a high school band going to Eurovision. With a sweet song and a cute singer. I’m in love with Jon and with the song. For once, Eurovision was fair and had them at least pass to the final. You can tell Cyprus is not used to it because they didn’t know there were antics to use. Just lights. Cyprus, oh, Cyprus, I love you!
21st. Justice is in the floor, sore and bleeding. That’s at least 18 places lower than it deserved.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Vukasin Brajic – Thunder and Lightning

Hey, look! There’s a fog machine! And intermitent lights with sound effects so we can realize the song is about thunders. Subtlety seems to be out of fashion this year.  And we get soft rock. So soft he puts his guitar carefully on the floor instead of smashing it. Too soft.
17th. And yet too high for the song.

Belgium: Brendan Fraser Tom Dice and his guitar.

This is kinda hipocritical, you know. Dude sings about how he and his guitar fight alone against the world. Dude has backing singers. Dude is a reality show runner-up!

Even with that, I liked the idea of dude singing on the catwalk. It gave the song a more intimate, close feeling. If something could make me forgive dude, it would be that.
6th. Sigh.

(Excuse me, I’m going to replay Jon Lilygreen. If you want to go indie, that’s how you do it)

Serbia: Milan Stankovic – Ovo je balkan.

Milan has teleporting booths, ready to take us from Crap land… to Craptastic land! After I read the translation of the lyrics, and heard the Spanish version, I don’t know if he should be tarred and feathered for singing it, or congratulated for daring to sing it.

Same goes for the performance, the dresses, and well, basically everything. It takes the bad taste beyond the extreme, right where it starts to become awesome.
13th. I would still have kept it on the semi.

Belarus: 3+2 – Butterflies.

If you ever wanted to see the lovechild of Tinkerbell and Mr. Lordi, watch at these women: unfurling wings, but, unlike Mr. Lordi’s, they sparkle. If Tomii Putaansu ever saw this, I bet he’d run to his bed and cover his head with the blankets. It’s scary. (My brother, a die-hard alternative rock fan, watched this and said he would need therapy after that. He didn’t)

The dresses, though, are fabulous. There have been entire editions with less glitter. And they obviously glued their feet to the ground so they wouldn’t accidentaly move and… there were no antics. They even didn’t change the lights more than once. Wow. So over the top, and yet so classy.

And one last thing: you have three women and two men, and the only name you can come up with is 3+2? Subtlety is in the floor with it’s nose broken.
24th, because… I don’t know.

Ireland: Niamh Kavannagh – It’s for you

Now, this is how a diva takes the stage: In a spectacular way and wearing a gorgeous dress! Look at the backing singers…. they are so mesmerized by her diva power that they don’t move at all. She can sing, not so much as many say, but she can, and the song is good… but she’s late by like fifteen years.
23rd. Damn. Even Charlotte did better with “Hero”, and she was waaaay cheaper than this.

Greece: Giorgos Alkaios & Friends – OPA!

Here it comes: the most overrated song this year. The singer doesn’t have a remarcable voice, or a remarcable presence, he isn’t hot, the song is kinda plain and without a good choreography, and even if the backing dancers are hot, they forgot their leather suits and had to dance on their pajamas.

Oh, and he promised a big surprise, never before seen, and what do we get? Fireworks in he drums. Meh.
8th, because Greece ALWAYS makes top ten. The times they don’t deserve it too.

UK: Josh Dubovie – That sounds good to me.

I hate doing this. And I hate it because I like the song but… Josh can’t sing. Not a single note. I would actually cry if the song wasn’t so lightearted and happy. Oh, and it’s totally obvious that he hooked up with at least one of the backing dancers last night.

25th and last. Why, UK, why?

Georgia: Sopho Nizharadze – Shine

Let’s face it: She was the best singer in the final. If you don’t believe me, just watch. The guys take her by her lungs and shake her, and she still keeps the tune. Nothing can come after that. Add that these are the best male chests we’re gonna see on the night (I know, it’s sad) and we have a winning combination.

9th. Well done, girl.

Turkey: MaNgA -We could be the same.

We can say what we want, but at least they are original. Dark scenery, a robot shaking it’s ass, a guy with a Jesus Christ complex… rock music! Are we sure they are the Turkish representatives and not some folks who got on the wrong stage?

By the end of the song, the robot starts cutting itself open, and there’s a girl inside. I’m not sure what are they trying to say.  It’s a highly conceptual performance. Or total rubbish, I’m not sure what. And then, the girl goes and seduces the lead singer, and they almost kiss. But it would be too straight for the contest. May be they do know where they are.

2nd. I’m not sure if they deserve it.

Albania:  Juliana Pasha – It’s all about you.

We have a say here in Mexico: The rich gone poor still has more than the poore gone rich.  Juliana being a perfect example of this:  She got a fat violinist slave, Whoopi Goldberg as a backing singer, a bad haircut and a tamer version of her original self… and she still outpowers any other contestant. Right about time of a GREAT act this year.

My brother, who was hiding in his room, goes out just to say he has heard this song so many times he even knows the lyrics. He doesn’t, of course, but it’s true that I might have overplayed it… except that a song like this can never be overplayed. There’s never enough.

15th. Fuck you, Europe.

Iceland: Hera Bjork – Je ne sais quoi

Beware Hera Bjork! She’s bigger than you, she’s better than you, and now she has minions! Little Heras parading all over the stage! And the background lights look like the electricians are on acid!

This is the second song in a row my brother recognizes, and I’m sure I played this a lot less than Juliana’s. In case you needed a proof this song is terrific. I love you, Hera.

19th, because Europe is out of it’s collective mind.

Ukraine: Alyosha – Sweet people.

With all the problems in their national selection, the Ukrainian broadcaster messed up, and sent a hobo instead of Alyosha.

No, wait, it IS Alyosha, it’s only that she’s dressed like a hobo. If there was any justice in the world, this would sweep at the Barbara Dex Award.

(In case you wonder, it didn’t)

The song is super-dramatic, super-hard, super-fan-enhanced and plain super-boring. But at least she can sing, and gets kudos for being the only artist in the night who dared to go truly solo.

10th. Damn me if I know why.

France: Jessy Matador – Allez! Olá! Olé!

Everything, absolutely everything, is wrong with this act, in a way InCulto can’t even dream to achieve. First a dude villagepeopleing, then he moves like he’s looking for a beach, a girl sings a little, they shake their crotches, and a full 10 seconds of bottom-shaking. And the way he says hello to the camera is the most stupid thing you’re gonna se in this contest. Even worse than InCulto’s sparkly trousers. A girl spanks Jessy’s ass, and we see a good looking dude with a horrible voice. He rips his shirt, but the camera never focuses on his chest. Too sad. Not that it could save this… thing, but at least there would have been something good to look at.

The nonsense goes on for another minute, and they keep on moving and yelling after the music stops. Right when you thought it couldn’t get any dumber.

By this moment, my brother is in shock and needs to go back to his room. Poor child.

12th. Like WTF, Europe.

Romania: Paula Seling & Ovi – Playing with fire.

You can’t say they aren’t putting effort. They got glowing fingers and real fire. The song truly is about fire, got it? I would have preferred both of them holding flamethrowers, but I doubt Norway would be pleased if they actually “burned this place down”. Although I would have loved it.

3rd. May be if they had destroyed the stage it would have been fair.

Russia: Peter Nalitch & Band – Lost and Forgotten

After fire, we get SNOW. And really, really bad quality. So bad it becomes funny and gets my brother to the couch again. When Peter looks at the “photo” we start cracking down, and by the time they start the fans we’re almost rolling on the floor. Peter,  my dopamine levels thank you.

(Oh, and almost a year later, when I’m reviewing this, my bro still recognized the song in the first fifteen seconds. It was THAT funny)

11th. Apparently, Europe doesn’t know crap about music.

Armenia: Eva Rivas – Apricot Stone.

That’s it. Subtlety is officially dead.

And I’m not talking about the boobflash on the very beginning (although that was smooth as a rhino) , but about the show. She has an apricot stone, hidden in her hand. You get it? Just like in the lyrics! And in case you haven’t got the idea yet, there’s an Eva-sized apricot stone in the middle of the stage.

And subtlety isn’t the only thing dead here. They also killed the act. It was perfect as it was in the national final! I don’t care if that guy is a national legend, or if you’re aiming for the Oldest People in Eurovision Record: KEEP. THE. HOOD.

KEEP. THE . SIMPLICITY.

And specially, KEEP. THE. DRESS. You don’t put jeans on a girl who’s singing an ethnic ballad. You just don’t, Armenia.

7th. Sigh.

Germany: Lena – Satellite.

There have been three times in the contest when I can tell for sure the victory has been because of politics: 1990 (Italy), 2003 (Turkey) and 2007 (Serbia).

This year isn’t so blatant, but yet I suspect Merkel’s hands had to do with Lena winning. Because Germany is paying the crisis for everybody else, and because I can’t see anything that would make this a worthy winner. They kept it in the same half-good level it has on the preview.

1st. I guess no other country was willing to pay for next year’s contest.

Portugal: Filipa Azevedo – Há Dias Assim

Now, this is one who did improve: her singing got better, her makeup got better, and even the dress got better. Not enought to take her to the big leagues, but it’s a worthy effort. Some moments she even looks pretty.

I have to say I admire Portugal’s determination… or cluelessness. They refuse totally to acknowledge the fact that any language other than English just doesn’t have a chance, and keep on sending their songs, in their language. That’s brave.

18th.

Israel: Harel Skaat – Milim

Another stubborn country. Less than Portugal (Or say… Spain or France), but yet, they stick to their own language more than most countries. And man, don’t they do an awesome job. Harel is gorgeous, the song is gorgeous and the stage show is gorgeous. He could have sung better, though, but with those looks I’m willing to forgive him almost anything.

14th. Too low.

Denmark: Chaneé & N’evergreen – In a moment like this

After all this, Denmark comes to teach us how you’re supposed to put on a good stage show, and suddenly they look like the only ones who truly know what they’re doing.

N’evergreen lost his suit and borrowed Juliana’s, even if it looked better on her. Chaneé is wearing a weird dress, and when the fans start I worry, because if they can move his hair that way, what won’t they do to her skirt. But somehow the skirt survives, and they go on to an epic closure. Way to make everybody else look like amateurs, Denmark.

4th. And well earned.

Then Spain goes to perform again, this time without intruders, we get a flashmob that most of people loved (I found it boring, except for the Verka Serduchka cameo), here come the votes and Lena wins. Bleh.

Alex Rybak goes onstage to give her the award and she asks him for a kiss. He points to his cheek. Bitch kisses him on the mouth and poor Alex runs away as fast as he can. I would too, totally. Then he tries to cover up urging the crowd to cheer for Lena. I won’t, sorry.

That was it. The top five, according to Europe, was:

1. Germany
2. Turkey
3. Romania
4. Denmark
5. Azerbaijan

My personal top five was:

1.  Albania
2. Cyprus
3. Iceland
4. Georgia
5. Denmark

The couch’s top five was:

1. Iceland
2. Spain
3. Albania
4. Denmark
5. Cyprus

Off to the next year.

In later news, Lena’s gonna represent Germany again. Sorry, but I don’t think the trick will work twice, so a Satellite clone won’t do. And everything that isn’t a Satellite clone would need more than Lena’s capable of, so I predict a bottom ten placing for Germany. Maybe even a bottom five.

Eurovision Review: Semi 2

Lithuania: InCulto- Eastern European Funk.

And the third one to the sack: this was not a good year for the Baltic States. Now, this is at the same time better and worse than Latvia and Estonia, because at least it’s interesting to watch. It starts like epileptic bartenders, goes downhill to stupid, then becomes so stupid it’s brilliant… and then jumps into being even more and more dumb. It takes talent to be under the bottom at that level, sure.

(Although I have to admit something: The background lights? The figures mimicking the singers? This was cuuuuuute and is, by far, the best use of that senseless lights this year. You win, InCulto)

Switzerland: Michael Von Der Heide – Il pleut de L’or

I wouldn’t call it outstanding, but sure it’s a solid performance, with a good use of the fans and the lights and the every little antic that stage could offer. And WOW: a golden jacket with golden pants. I want some, even if they could get me a beating if I went out to the street wearing them.

Sweden: Anna Bergendahl – This is my life.

Stop the whining about the political voting, Sweden, because if any country has ever benefited with block votes it’s you. But honestly, with an act like this, not even you could pass. Everyhing in this act, absolutely everything, is wrong, except the lights and maybe the voice. But the dress is wrong, the backing singers are wrong (if you want her to look like solo, don’t show them), the body language, the final scream… this is too wrong, Sweden! Not even a magical guitar can save her.

If you had sent “Yes man” instead of this I would have voted you top ten, but not with Anna. Sorry.

Netherlands: Sieneke – Ik ben verliefd

If you consider this went right after Alyosha’s boring and depressing song, Shalalie’s lighthearted spirit becomes even more powerful and evident. How could this NOT be voted into the final, Europe? What the hell is wrong with you?

Slovenia: Ansambel Roka Zlindere & Kalamari – Narodnozabavni Rock.

They are doing an awesome work with the lights… and that’s all that can be said about this. They didn’t bother in getting new clothes, new choreography or new anything. The accordion guy is cute, though. If he asked, I’d do him.

Bulgaria: Miro – Angel si ti

No. Just no. What have you done, Bulgaria? You had a classic in your hands and you ruined it! Why did you have to make Miro sing in English? The song was perfect! You gain points for the extragay factor, but you lose them for everything else. Incluing Miro’s clothes.

Croatia: Femminem – Lako Je Sve

Here’s the new trend in the contest: Short skirts with a long tail in the back. If I haven’t mentioned it yet it’s because all the other acts featuring those skirts passed to the final. Femminem didn’t and that really bothers me. This song was good, the performance was good and the choreography was acceptable. And they had a couple of Catwomen!

What was going on in Europe’s minds when they voted Azerbaijan and Ukraine over this?

Don’t answer that.

Eurovision Junior 2010: Preview

Eurovision Junior 2010 is in two days or so and yup, I haven’t commented. And I’ve got an exam to study for tomorrow, so this is gonna be really fast:

All the preview videos and etceteras are here, and I’m only going to comment them:

Lithuania is sending Zac Efron… sorry, I just got messed up. His name is Bartas, he’s fourteen and really, what are childs eating in Lithuania? He looks like an 1.80m Ken doll. When he’s seventeen he’s not going to join a boyband: He’s going to BE a boyband. Why sharing the stage with other boys?

The song, Oki Doki, is what you could expect: pop-ish, electronical and factory made. I like it.  And Lithuania gains the dubious distinction of sending to the Junior contest a better act than the one they sent to the main one.

Moldova brings us Stefan Roscovan with Alli-Baba.

After watching the rehearsals, he’s my candidate for a potential darkhorse. This song can make a really good act with the right choreography. And I’d say he has it.

Netherlands has Anna and Senna with My Family.

Oh, my. I don’t speak Dutch, and yet I can realiza how awful these lyrics must be. There’s a thin line between political correctness and bad taste, and these girls felt in the wrong side. Even so, they’re cute (And have a violin, violins are awesome!), specially the one who looks like Natalie Portman.

From Serbia, Sonja Škori? with ?arobna no?.

So, this is why Ovo Je Balkan was so shitty: Sonja had taken all the quality Serbia was allowed to spend this year. Shame on you, Sebia, your Junior act is kilometers above the adult one. Sonja actually could represent her country in the adult contest without any shame… and she’s one of the few kids this year that can carry a good tune without trouble.

(And here we can see how JESC, just like ESC, has it’s own bandwagons for everybody to jump in. It’s obvious that, as past year a 14-year old won, this year many countries will send older kids. There are few with representatives under thirteen)

Ukraine sends Yulia Gurska with Miy Litak.

The song isn’t half bad, but it isn’t in the same league than the big players this year. And, considering how my instints work, it actually could win (I have never been good at guessing)

Representing Sweden, Josephine Ridell with Allt jag vill ha.

And 2010 will pass to the history as The Year Sweden sent Boring Songs to Eurovision. Like, really, really boring. Both of them.

Now, ¿Remember how, after their first victory with ABBA, Sweden has kept sending ABBA reprises to the main contest? ¿And remember how Russia won the Junior contest with a jazz act?

Well, they sent the Tolmachevy twin’s evil twin the following year, and now are trying to doit again: Sasha Lazin and Liza Drozd, with love from Russia, singing Boy and Girl. Just like the Tolmachevy sisters, but now with mixed genders!

Latvia brings Viva la Dance in the voice of Sarlote Lenmane and the Sea Stones.

Another one to the sack: Watch and learn, Aisha: this is how you represent your country in an international song contest: Holding your tune. She seems to be hot in the polls, and I wouldn’t be angry if whe won, even if she’s not my favorite.

Belgium sends Anna and Senna… wait, we already were through this, didn’t we?

Wait, sorry, my mistake: Belgium sends Jill and Lauren with Get Up!. They’re just like Anna and Senna, except that they sing better and their melody is worse.

Armenia somehow managed to clone Dino Jelusic, speeding the clone’s growth so it looks like he’s twelve, called him Vladimir Arzumanyan and sent him to sing Mama. The problem is that they didn’t get a song as good as Dino’s, but this kid can sing and has lots of charm, so I’d say he stands a chance. But again, don’t trust my instinct.

(Besides, the fact that I think in three years from now he’s going to be an awfully hot dude makes me feel biased. And guilty)

Nicole Azzopardi, singing Knock knock! Boom boom!, comes from Malta.

One of the many things I hated about Safura’s Drip drop, (besides the song being completely pointless) was the way Safura moved to it. She tried to “drip drop” with her hands and head… and failed. Nicole, obviously, doesn’t have a problem. She knocks just like you’re supposed to knock when you’re knocking. Besides, she’s cute, has personality, and the song is one of the best this year. Go Nicole!

Belarus forgot to send a song.

Really.

Well, actually not, but Daniil Kozlov singing Muzyki Svet makes you wish they had. The song is bad, he can’t sing and there’s no way to fit a choreography in it. Damn, I miss Alexei. I even miss Ksenia. And the guys who sang Tantsui. What happened to you, Belarus?

Now let’s come to Georgia. Either I’m high or… no, I’m not high. They’re actually sending one of those songs: Mari-Dari, by Mariam Kakhelishvili.

¿Remember that Sweden won with ABBA? Now, remember how Georgia won JESC with an acid trip in a made up language? Well, they’re trying to get Europe to buy that again, but this time is even worse. This time it’s a solo girl. With minions. It’s scary.

And finally, Macedonia has Anja Veterova with Eooo, eooo.

JESC has got it’s own Aisha this year: Anja suffers of a very gross case of the Aisha disease. The song would actually be pleasant if she didn’t yell.

If I were a country, my points would be this way:

12 for Malta

10 for Latvia

8 for Serbia

7 for Armenia

6 for Moldova

5 for Lithuania

4 for Russia

3 for Netherlands

2 for Georgia

1 for Macedonia+

0 for Ukraine, Sweden, Belarus and Belgium.

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