This will get updated a few times before I finish, because blah blah blah.
I couldn’t see the beginning (screw TVE), but I know it had Alexander Rybak with a slow version of Fairytale and stuff. Whatever. Russia did it better, honestly.
And up to the songs!
That’s it, Safura! Take out the barechested dancers, and with them all that could possibly be interesting in your act! BTW, look at the skirt. This is the fashion I was talking about last post. However, her dress is great (there had to be something good here). For whatever the reason it was, she’s wearing half of a glove, and there’s a man in black parading on the stage. Are we supposed to recognize him?
At the middle of the song, she goes to the little sidestage, they start the fans and she goes super dramatic. And then forgets to go to the center and has to hurry back. I can’t help but laughing every time I see her run.
5th. O Rly, Europe?
I’m impressed. The choreographer got the dancers in the most akward positions ever conceived, told them to hold the poses… and they did. Then some fucker sneaks onstage and they don’t even blink. Then THE GUARDS go onstage after that loser and they act like they weren’t there. Then the fucker goes onstage again… oh, wait, no, this time it was the backing singer. Also, here’s a nice work witht the fireworks. Anyway, talk about professionalism.
15th. I wouldn’t mind if he and Safura traded places.
What a shame. Such a hot man, with such a beautiful face, and specially such an amazing voice, wasted on that lame song! You can see he’s doing his best, but it’s impossible to save the song. Poor boy, poor, poor boy.
And Norway went simple and elegant about the antics. In fact, I was surprised that they put a lot of things on the stage, and only use lights for most of the song, and fireworks for like the last five seconds.
20th. The song deserved it. The singer didn’t.
Now here are the antics! Because if it weren’t for acts like this, the contest would be too cheap! A violinist on a spinning platform, with a skeleton fluorescent violin! A girl doing her best to look at her worst, and then a sax and ohwaitwhatthehellishedoing???!!! Dude! There might be kids watching! Stop doing… THAT to the sax! Two dudes open their shirts to see if they can smug the gay vote, and the violinist makes faces. This is great!
Here we have a high school band going to Eurovision. With a sweet song and a cute singer. I’m in love with Jon and with the song. For once, Eurovision was fair and had them at least pass to the final. You can tell Cyprus is not used to it because they didn’t know there were antics to use. Just lights. Cyprus, oh, Cyprus, I love you!
21st. Justice is in the floor, sore and bleeding. That’s at least 18 places lower than it deserved.
Hey, look! There’s a fog machine! And intermitent lights with sound effects so we can realize the song is about thunders. Subtlety seems to be out of fashion this year. And we get soft rock. So soft he puts his guitar carefully on the floor instead of smashing it. Too soft.
17th. And yet too high for the song.
This is kinda hipocritical, you know. Dude sings about how he and his guitar fight alone against the world. Dude has backing singers. Dude is a reality show runner-up!
Even with that, I liked the idea of dude singing on the catwalk. It gave the song a more intimate, close feeling. If something could make me forgive dude, it would be that.
(Excuse me, I’m going to replay Jon Lilygreen. If you want to go indie, that’s how you do it)
Milan has teleporting booths, ready to take us from Crap land… to Craptastic land! After I read the translation of the lyrics, and heard the Spanish version, I don’t know if he should be tarred and feathered for singing it, or congratulated for daring to sing it.
Same goes for the performance, the dresses, and well, basically everything. It takes the bad taste beyond the extreme, right where it starts to become awesome.
13th. I would still have kept it on the semi.
If you ever wanted to see the lovechild of Tinkerbell and Mr. Lordi, watch at these women: unfurling wings, but, unlike Mr. Lordi’s, they sparkle. If Tomii Putaansu ever saw this, I bet he’d run to his bed and cover his head with the blankets. It’s scary. (My brother, a die-hard alternative rock fan, watched this and said he would need therapy after that. He didn’t)
The dresses, though, are fabulous. There have been entire editions with less glitter. And they obviously glued their feet to the ground so they wouldn’t accidentaly move and… there were no antics. They even didn’t change the lights more than once. Wow. So over the top, and yet so classy.
And one last thing: you have three women and two men, and the only name you can come up with is 3+2? Subtlety is in the floor with it’s nose broken.
24th, because… I don’t know.
Now, this is how a diva takes the stage: In a spectacular way and wearing a gorgeous dress! Look at the backing singers…. they are so mesmerized by her diva power that they don’t move at all. She can sing, not so much as many say, but she can, and the song is good… but she’s late by like fifteen years.
23rd. Damn. Even Charlotte did better with “Hero”, and she was waaaay cheaper than this.
Here it comes: the most overrated song this year. The singer doesn’t have a remarcable voice, or a remarcable presence, he isn’t hot, the song is kinda plain and without a good choreography, and even if the backing dancers are hot, they forgot their leather suits and had to dance on their pajamas.
Oh, and he promised a big surprise, never before seen, and what do we get? Fireworks in he drums. Meh.
8th, because Greece ALWAYS makes top ten. The times they don’t deserve it too.
I hate doing this. And I hate it because I like the song but… Josh can’t sing. Not a single note. I would actually cry if the song wasn’t so lightearted and happy. Oh, and it’s totally obvious that he hooked up with at least one of the backing dancers last night.
25th and last. Why, UK, why?
Let’s face it: She was the best singer in the final. If you don’t believe me, just watch. The guys take her by her lungs and shake her, and she still keeps the tune. Nothing can come after that. Add that these are the best male chests we’re gonna see on the night (I know, it’s sad) and we have a winning combination.
9th. Well done, girl.
We can say what we want, but at least they are original. Dark scenery, a robot shaking it’s ass, a guy with a Jesus Christ complex… rock music! Are we sure they are the Turkish representatives and not some folks who got on the wrong stage?
By the end of the song, the robot starts cutting itself open, and there’s a girl inside. I’m not sure what are they trying to say. It’s a highly conceptual performance. Or total rubbish, I’m not sure what. And then, the girl goes and seduces the lead singer, and they almost kiss. But it would be too straight for the contest. May be they do know where they are.
2nd. I’m not sure if they deserve it.
We have a say here in Mexico: The rich gone poor still has more than the poore gone rich. Juliana being a perfect example of this: She got a fat violinist slave, Whoopi Goldberg as a backing singer, a bad haircut and a tamer version of her original self… and she still outpowers any other contestant. Right about time of a GREAT act this year.
My brother, who was hiding in his room, goes out just to say he has heard this song so many times he even knows the lyrics. He doesn’t, of course, but it’s true that I might have overplayed it… except that a song like this can never be overplayed. There’s never enough.
15th. Fuck you, Europe.
Beware Hera Bjork! She’s bigger than you, she’s better than you, and now she has minions! Little Heras parading all over the stage! And the background lights look like the electricians are on acid!
This is the second song in a row my brother recognizes, and I’m sure I played this a lot less than Juliana’s. In case you needed a proof this song is terrific. I love you, Hera.
19th, because Europe is out of it’s collective mind.
With all the problems in their national selection, the Ukrainian broadcaster messed up, and sent a hobo instead of Alyosha.
No, wait, it IS Alyosha, it’s only that she’s dressed like a hobo. If there was any justice in the world, this would sweep at the Barbara Dex Award.
(In case you wonder, it didn’t)
The song is super-dramatic, super-hard, super-fan-enhanced and plain super-boring. But at least she can sing, and gets kudos for being the only artist in the night who dared to go truly solo.
10th. Damn me if I know why.
Everything, absolutely everything, is wrong with this act, in a way InCulto can’t even dream to achieve. First a dude villagepeopleing, then he moves like he’s looking for a beach, a girl sings a little, they shake their crotches, and a full 10 seconds of bottom-shaking. And the way he says hello to the camera is the most stupid thing you’re gonna se in this contest. Even worse than InCulto’s sparkly trousers. A girl spanks Jessy’s ass, and we see a good looking dude with a horrible voice. He rips his shirt, but the camera never focuses on his chest. Too sad. Not that it could save this… thing, but at least there would have been something good to look at.
The nonsense goes on for another minute, and they keep on moving and yelling after the music stops. Right when you thought it couldn’t get any dumber.
By this moment, my brother is in shock and needs to go back to his room. Poor child.
12th. Like WTF, Europe.
You can’t say they aren’t putting effort. They got glowing fingers and real fire. The song truly is about fire, got it? I would have preferred both of them holding flamethrowers, but I doubt Norway would be pleased if they actually “burned this place down”. Although I would have loved it.
3rd. May be if they had destroyed the stage it would have been fair.
After fire, we get SNOW. And really, really bad quality. So bad it becomes funny and gets my brother to the couch again. When Peter looks at the “photo” we start cracking down, and by the time they start the fans we’re almost rolling on the floor. Peter, my dopamine levels thank you.
(Oh, and almost a year later, when I’m reviewing this, my bro still recognized the song in the first fifteen seconds. It was THAT funny)
11th. Apparently, Europe doesn’t know crap about music.
That’s it. Subtlety is officially dead.
And I’m not talking about the boobflash on the very beginning (although that was smooth as a rhino) , but about the show. She has an apricot stone, hidden in her hand. You get it? Just like in the lyrics! And in case you haven’t got the idea yet, there’s an Eva-sized apricot stone in the middle of the stage.
And subtlety isn’t the only thing dead here. They also killed the act. It was perfect as it was in the national final! I don’t care if that guy is a national legend, or if you’re aiming for the Oldest People in Eurovision Record: KEEP. THE. HOOD.
KEEP. THE . SIMPLICITY.
And specially, KEEP. THE. DRESS. You don’t put jeans on a girl who’s singing an ethnic ballad. You just don’t, Armenia.
There have been three times in the contest when I can tell for sure the victory has been because of politics: 1990 (Italy), 2003 (Turkey) and 2007 (Serbia).
This year isn’t so blatant, but yet I suspect Merkel’s hands had to do with Lena winning. Because Germany is paying the crisis for everybody else, and because I can’t see anything that would make this a worthy winner. They kept it in the same half-good level it has on the preview.
1st. I guess no other country was willing to pay for next year’s contest.
Now, this is one who did improve: her singing got better, her makeup got better, and even the dress got better. Not enought to take her to the big leagues, but it’s a worthy effort. Some moments she even looks pretty.
I have to say I admire Portugal’s determination… or cluelessness. They refuse totally to acknowledge the fact that any language other than English just doesn’t have a chance, and keep on sending their songs, in their language. That’s brave.
Another stubborn country. Less than Portugal (Or say… Spain or France), but yet, they stick to their own language more than most countries. And man, don’t they do an awesome job. Harel is gorgeous, the song is gorgeous and the stage show is gorgeous. He could have sung better, though, but with those looks I’m willing to forgive him almost anything.
14th. Too low.
After all this, Denmark comes to teach us how you’re supposed to put on a good stage show, and suddenly they look like the only ones who truly know what they’re doing.
N’evergreen lost his suit and borrowed Juliana’s, even if it looked better on her. Chaneé is wearing a weird dress, and when the fans start I worry, because if they can move his hair that way, what won’t they do to her skirt. But somehow the skirt survives, and they go on to an epic closure. Way to make everybody else look like amateurs, Denmark.
4th. And well earned.
Then Spain goes to perform again, this time without intruders, we get a flashmob that most of people loved (I found it boring, except for the Verka Serduchka cameo), here come the votes and Lena wins. Bleh.
Alex Rybak goes onstage to give her the award and she asks him for a kiss. He points to his cheek. Bitch kisses him on the mouth and poor Alex runs away as fast as he can. I would too, totally. Then he tries to cover up urging the crowd to cheer for Lena. I won’t, sorry.
That was it. The top five, according to Europe, was:
My personal top five was:
The couch’s top five was:
Off to the next year.
In later news, Lena’s gonna represent Germany again. Sorry, but I don’t think the trick will work twice, so a Satellite clone won’t do. And everything that isn’t a Satellite clone would need more than Lena’s capable of, so I predict a bottom ten placing for Germany. Maybe even a bottom five.