Eurovision Preview: The Finalists.

Because we’re too cool for semifinals:

France: Amaury Vassili – Sognu

Amaury Vassili is this year’s Patricia Kaas. You know, one of those times when France remembers they’re FRANCE with capitals and are supposed to have CLASS with capitals, so they take a big name and send it with the classiest song they can get. You can bet he’s gonna have lots of lights, lots of curtains, zero fireworks and I know he’s the frontrunner, but since I imagined him singing Trololo I can’t picture him winning.

Italy: Raphael Gualazzi – Madness of love

Please, someone tell me the difference between vintage and outdated, because I don’t know in which side this falls. Italy, if you’re doing a comeback after fourteen years, you should star with something more modern.

United Kingdom: Blue – I can

Like this, for example. This is the kind of song that you don’t need to listen to. What is important here is the show. And yet it’s gonna be on bottom ten. I take bets.

Germany: Lena – Taken by a stranger

Aurela and Jedward, get ready: The Creepy Act season is open, and Lena’s giving you a run for your money. I din’t like Satellite as a winner, but I liked it as a song, and Taken ruins it totally. So, I’m gonna pretend this doesn’t exist, okay?

Spain: Lucia Pérez – Que me quiten lo bailao

I pity you, rest of Europe. You can tell that Spain isn’t trying hard, but unless you speak Spanish you can’t fully appreciate the greatness of this non-effort. Those lyrics are of the kind a seven year-old would write. Fuck Yeah!

The Spanish sef-loathing has a lot to say, because they love to hate their entries. But don’t listen to them, this is brilliant!

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