Archivo mensual: mayo 2011

Eurovision Review. The Final: True musicians.

Disclaimer: This will get updated a LOT. School calls. So, if you see I haven’t reached Georgia and the Marcel Bezencon Awards, come back in a couple weeks.

I got stood up for the final. I invited four friends and only one came over. I invited my cousin and my brother to have the perspective of some straight males, but my brother stopped to drink a glass of soda and left. And my cousin was asleep. So there were we, a couple gay guys with more soda we could drink, ready to have fun.

TVE got rid (thanks) of Uribarri, and instead brought us some guy named Iñigo. He’s nice and doesn’t try to make the whole damn thing revolve around him, but he never shuts up. Ever. At first it’s annoying (it’s not like they’re paying him for talking, is it?), but when I discover that spares me of Stefan joking with Ange it becomes super. Oh, yeah, Iñigo, talk to me!

The show starts with Ange and Judith proving their dresses are not for walking, while Stefan redeems himself by showing Satellite can actually sound good. You better do it, guy, because you’re to blame for that song winning. Rock it is actually the least you can do. Suddenly, a bunch of Lenas join him onstage, and then the real Lena appears too. This is all about her, damn it. If she wins again, the next stage is gonna have the shape of her face. And I’ll have nightmares forever.

Aaaaaaanddd… Ready… Set…

Finland, again, is giving us the most underrated song of the year and doing it with total class. C’mon, Europe! He’s a cute guy singing about saving the world! How can you NOT fall in love with him? I don’t get it. At all.

21st. The first song in the final, and justice is already dead. What hopes have we got then?

Dino calls from one side of the stage. A girl responds, and the next take reveals that they’re missing each other by… ok, they’re almost back to back. It all goes downhill from there, in a quite hilarious way if you ask me. The fake piano playing, the guitar holding, the jumps, and the triangle man, oh, the triangle man! He might be even better than the crotchsax players Moldova sent last year. The curtains are pretty cool, too, and then there’s group waving and they blow kisses to the camera. Not in the big leagues, but not so bad either.

6th. A little excesive if you ask me.

Denmark is sending Jedward’s older brother. Of course, he’s so embarrased of them that he’ll deny it, but the hair betrays him. Apparently, he’s trying to do sign language, and forgot to go to the bathroom before performing. Besides that, this is great. I’m glad they bought the balls.

5th. Well done, Denmark.

Lithuania has lots of rack, lots of ass, enough sign language to make us feel back in the naughties and a dress even worse than those of Ange and Judith. And an impossibly Disney camerawork. C’mon, when’s the movie? If the graphics are decent, I’d love it, I’m sure. Besides, it has a sorrow/tomorrow rhyme. That, people, is not an Eurovision classic: it’ s a universal music, neverending forever classic. Even Barbra Streisand did it once.

19th. Higher than Finland, believe it or not.

For reasons only known to God and the dress director, Katy Wolf from Hungary is wearing a cute little hat on her finger, her dress ends where most skirts usually start, and her backing performers have lights on their bodies. Crotches included. This is utterly fabulous, I tell you. And she really can sing. Even if it’s so… something, it’s a must.

22nd. What? Katy, you were robbed, honey, ROBBED!

Ireland is using the LEDs to proyect an  80’s James Bond opening, and then gives us the perfect James Bond villains: Creepy twins with weird hair! I hope there are producers watching this, because this guys are a freaking goldmine. And someone (maybe Iñigo?) lets us know that they’re entering because they want to be recognized everywhere they go. I knew they were evil: First Eurovision, then the world!

8th. Someone shoot them, please.

What are you doing, Sweden? You’re ruining a perfectly good Eric Saade! If he’s so cute and hot and yummy, why do you have to give him such an abominable song and sucky choreography? Not even my vain and shallow side responds to this, and that’s much to say. Believe it or  not, the most they show are their shoulders… add the Big Eye of Sauron watching from behind, and this is officially lost for me.

3rd. 3RD? Are you fucking kidding me, Europe?

Estonia has magic tricks! And gummy buildings popping in the background! Oh, this is sooooo colorful and senseless that it actually becomes cute, but everyone here has weird faces (Getter the most) that make me think they’re actually evil. Maybe they will team up with Jedward to conquer the world.

24th. And whe was supposed to be a frontrunner. Sigh.

Greece sent Loukas Giorkas with a beautiful traditional ballad, but somehow a guy keeps messing with the song and music and  interrupting Loukas every time he tries to sing. And no one, NO ONE, does anything to stop this vandalism. Where’s security when you need them?

7th. Greece, apparently, is determined to prove that this is all a big fat joke.

Thanks, Russia, for waking us up! Even if you waste a great opportunity to show us chests, got leds on your shoes, and apparently didn’t have enough LED screens and had to bring a pair of your own, you’re catchy and likable. And unitnentionally funny, specially when Alex & Company try to entice us showing us their glowing backs Last time I checked, that was sexy for abyssal fishes in heat. Which I’m not.

I loved the Ah! at the end. Sounds like a soda ad, doesn’t it?

16th. The worst result Russia has had in like forever. I hope he’s not punished that hard: he’s too hot for Siberia.

Amaury Vassili from France forgot his hair and had to borrow some from Dana International. Also, there was a failure that let us know that the LED screen runs on Windows. But his main problem is neither of those, no. His main problem is that he misses the first note he sings. And the second. And the fourth. From then on, he slides into desperation, trying to regain his nerves and failing. At the end, after what surely was the longest three minutes of his life, he gives us the most tortured smile ever.

15th. Poor dude.

Before Italy starts, Iñigo informs us that this singer is a true musician. What the hell is he doing here? Besides that, now I know in every song I will be wondering wether I’m seeing a true musician. You just ruined Eurovision for me, Iñigo, thank you very much.

This really begs to be listened while drinking on a bar. He yells like crap, but hey, he has the True Musician Seal granted by Iñigo, so it’s okay.

And to prove it, he comes SECOND. Europe really needs Italy’s money, don’t they?

Switzerland is going all Carebears and fluff on us. Look, they have colored clouds in the background, and stars, and bubbles! Bubbles, for God’s love! It only needs some rainbows and unicorns to be perfect. Anna loosened up a bit, and became quite lovely on her own, akward way. Wow.

Aaaaaandddd… last! 25th! Damn you, Europe, this was adorkable!

The guys from United Kingdom bring four extra LED screens for their act. And then… they thought it was a good idea to display digitally enhanced images of themselves for us to compare. Brilliant! And, since they’re a huge group with songs on the charts and stuff, probably they’re even true musicians.

Eleventh. Say thank you, boys.

I think I’m high, or… no, I’m not high. Moldova is just doing… something. Totally absurd. Dear God. Funny nonsense, right, and I find myself repelled and fascinated by the lollypop gnomes in the background.

Twelfth.WHAT. Doesn’t matter, actually. I would have said that whatever they placed.

Lena needs a full-force exorcism. And, after what she’s done there, the whole stage might use one as well.I don’t know what’s scarier, her face, her dancers, or the dancers projections in the screen.

Tenth. No, of course she’s not a true musician. She’s a nightmare in stilettos.

The lead singer from Romania is good on the eyes. He’s also full of himself enough to be a tease, but not enought to be a bother, and he looks at the camera like he knows exactly what I want. I know it’s the cheapest trick of them all, but what an I say, I’m human.

My friend complains that this is the third song in the night about saving the world, but my brain can’t process it right now. It’s too busy stripping David Bryan. Wow. Then there comes a sing-and-clap-along-moment. Romania clearly loves their dirty tricks this year.

17th. You were awesome, Romania!

Austria is being totally perfect! This is how you should sing a Disney Ballad. Whoah, I love you, Austria, this is great!

18th, because Europe is blind and deaf.

And there he comes Azerbaijan, opening with an big white octopus! Yeah, not anything we haven’t seen before, but it’s all quite neatly done. They spent the first half of the song without even realizing the other is in the same country, let alone in the same stage. And they only touch in the last 30 seconds. And the choreography is dull, but somehow they manage to make it all fit perfectly.

Winner! Does that mean they’re true musicians?

With a singer like the one Slovenia has, the song doesn’t matter. It’s just a pretext to put inexistant thorned orchids on the screen and spend three minutes watching Maja look hot dressed in gold and plastic and spinning her wrist. Which she does like no one (Oh look at me I’m so clever).


Iceland has… well… a coffee bar band, I guess. Not bad, but not outstanding, either. They’re nice, and that’s all. Not even the gay kiss (dullest gay kiss ever, btw) can give more life to this.

20th. Whatever.

Spain is rubbing on Europe’s face that, if they can’t get the best placing, at least they have the best sun and sand and parties. Don’t let the lack of a true song fool you, this girl is a true singer. You can’t tell it because she takes what could be a BoomBoomtastic act and turns it into a great thing. I loved every single camp, fabulous, terrific second of this!

23rd. No kidding! Europe deserves to die.

If you thought Dima Bilan had crossed the line with his ice skater, wait till you see this: Ukraine has Maleficent doing sand drawings. What’s next? Cooking, kniting, sculpting? I better not give them ideas. However, it helps distracting us and making us forget how bad it sounds in English. Crystal white? Really? Since when crystal is white? She does a better eagle than Aurela, though. Also, it took an eternity to start (and by that I mean fifteen seconds)

4th. Seriously? I can’t believe this.

Serbia’s committed to rock the house down. And if that means they have to trigger epileptic attacs over all Europe, so be it. There are no words to say how great this is. How totally, absolutely, completely, unbeatably great this is. I love you, Serbia!

14th. Like really, Europe, what the heck’s wrong with you?

And then it comes Georgia’s combo of Amy Winehouse plus Stereo Mike and honestly, the less you say about them, the better.

And they get ninth somehow. Damn it.

Then comes the voting. My friend and I do a little coferencing after the first votes, and we decide we don’t want Popular to win, so we cheer for anybody else. People boo when other countries do the shameless yearly point exchange, but get wild when Germany and neighbours do the same. I love seeing all familiar faces: Dima, Ruslana, Sofia, Safura, that guy from Miodio, and Aisha, whom I hate when she tries to sing, but whom I love instantly for the magnificent way whe slaps Eric on the face in literally the last possible moment.

So that was it. My personal top 5 was:

1. Serbia

2. Finland

3. Azerbaijan

4. Romania

5. Hungary

The couch’s top five was:

1. Serbia

2. Azerbaijan

3. Spain

4. Finland

5. A tie between Romania and Austria.

And the special awards were:

Marcel Bezencon’s Press Award goes to… Finland! Congrats, Oskar!

Marcel Bezencon’s Comentator Award is for… Ireland!

And the Composer Award goes to France. As a consolation prize. I felt an evil pleasure watching him whine when he received his last 12 points from Belgium.

Finally, the Barbara Dex Award went to Georgia. I would have given it to Ireland, but still is a deserved award.

Eurovision review. Semi 2: Good nonsense.

I watched the first semi because it was holiday in Mexico and I had the day off. But in the second I had school, so this is all going to be commented from youtube videos.

On the bright side, I almost didn’t have to hear Stefan and Ange. A little, yeah, because I could wander off and see the very end of the semi, but I was spared of most of their bad humour. Thank God.

And, if the theme for the first semi was legs, the theme for the second is the What The Factor. You know, when you’re left wondering What The…?

Exactly that. It starts with a sober Dino Merlin from Bosnia and a gorgeous Nadine Beiler from Austria. Bot passed, so…

Netherlands has pretty boring nonsense. The song is mildly good, but the staging is a waste of a white suit. Even if it’s 100% Bee Gees and has Val Kilmer on the guitar, it’s too dead. Sorry, Netherlands. Try Vader Abraham again next year.

No, not qualifying.

Belgium didn’t get the memo that vocal groups never work in Eurovision, and is giving us a totally classy nonsense. With no music, no antics, and quite an interesting act. If it serves as a consolation, I like them, but somehow they manage to make their three minutes last twice the other countries’.

Neither. Get the memo, Belgium!

Slovakia kidnapped Nikki from Azerbaijan! And cloned her! No, wait, it’s Twiins. They’re not even giving us nonsense. Meh. At least they have pretty dresses.

No, not qualifying. Sorry, Slovakia.

Then we have Ukraine with sand drawing, the most ourageous nonsense on the night by Moldova, and Eric Saade, he of the Disney Channel fame, from Sweden. All of them passing.

Cyprus has giant shiny lollypops and black diamonds on the background. And a shouting woman. I’ve got to admit they did a great job bringing to life a dead and buried song. They also got Michael Jackson’s magic shoes and great arms. Quite nice, actually.

Not qualifying, I don’t know if for good or bad.

Bulgaria has water and full force fans. But she left the keytar at home, which makes me sad. Still, she’s good. Even when she starts jumping like Aurela Gace, but with class. Weird, but classy.

Not qualifying. What? Maybe if she had sung in English…

Aaaandddd… Macedonia gets the award for best nonsense of the year, for delivering us a giant spinning cube with «Rusinka» on cyrilics, a spiral in the floor, and that guy… oh, that guy! Just look at him! He doesn’t know he’s on Eurovision, he doesn’t know what Eurovision is, and probably he doesn’t even know he’s live. He just knows he has a guitar in his hands and a microphone infront of him, and that he has to ROCK!


Not qualifying. This was awful, but enticing. I don’t like you, Europe.

Dana International, from Israel, singing Ding Dong. I have no words to say how disappointed I am right now.

No, not because she didn’t pass, but because she didn’t deserve to pass. (I know, I can’t believe I said it either). Look at her, she’s commiting every single unforgivable Eurovision sin there is. The camerawork is mediocre, the dress is awful and no, she wasn’t having a bad hair day. She was having a HORRIBLE hair day. Yeah, she rocks the stage, but honestly, you would expect a lot more from La Diva.

Not qualifying. Sorry, Dana, but you earned it. I feel really, absolutely, totaly betrayed by my two favourites this year.

Then we have Maja Keuc from Slovenia, who stole Magdalena’s outfit and attitude, a hot guy from Romania and cute nonsense from Estonia. All of them passed.

Anna Vinnikova loves Belarus, clearly. Also, she clearly had no clue of what to do with a LED screen. But the problem here is neither one. The problem here is that whenever one of the backing singers opens her mouth, she sounds bad BAD. But if this was an instrumental, I would have loved Belarus, no doubt of that.

Nope, not qualifying.

Someone commented on youtube: «I love Belarus, got a dick inside.» Now go, listen to the song, and try not to think about it. You’ll fail.

The dudes from Latvia knew you had to improve your song for Eurovision, so they did a brave and daring move: they swapped positions.

Just kidding, they didn’t. Only a camera trick, see? The song is e-x-a-c-t-l-y like it was in the national final: the same pointless lyrics, the same dumb moves and the same clothes. I hope at least they washed and ironed them for the ocassion. Oh, bravo, fake rap. The lead can really sing, but why, why this song?

Not passing. Figures.

And then a guy without back on his shirt from Denmark (glad to see they brought the balls) and the Scary Twins from Ireland. The intermission was a strange mix of ballet, classic music and breakdance. Pretty more interesting than the drums they used for first semi. Oh, and by the way, Ange, «Buenas Tardes» does NOT mean «Good night» in Spanish.

Off to the final!


Eurovision review. Semi 1: Legs get down to business!

Here we go. In the middle of my final exams and with a lot to catch up with, so this will go really slow. If you enter here and there are less than nineteen songs, come back in a week. Or three.

The theme for this semi were, of course, girl’s legs. On all sizes and shapes, most of them gorgeous… so there:

The only channel broadcasting Eurovision here in Mexico was TVE, and only the one that transmitted the final, so I had to watch all of it online. It was nice, because… no comentators! Yeah! Still, I have to put up with Stefan and Ange trying to be funny, but nobody said life would be perfect.

And we open with Magdalena Tul, from Poland, singing Jestem. See what I told you? Legs. Apparently, Poland decided they didn’t have money to host the next contest, so they took away all the coolnes they could. They took away the leather, the full force acrobatics, half the choreography, and if they didn’t take away the song and the singer is because they didn’t have money for a fine either. I feel so let down right now.

Not qualifying, and what can I say… I understand it.

The next legs to grace our stage belong to Norway’s Stella Mwangi with Haba Haba. That’s a very nice use of LED’s going back there, you see. And the song is cute.

I still don’t get why she didn’t pass. Maybe the dress. I’m sure if she sits on that dress she’s  not gonna notice the floor.

Albania sends Aurela Gace, less scary than I thought she’d be and with a great LED show, but the rest is pretty forgettable, even with the fireworks, fog and massive use of fans. It’s supposed to be eagle-themed, but Aurela ruins it with her body language.

Not qualifying. Meh.

Armenia. Dear God. What can you do if you’re the Ultimate Armenian Pop Diva, and they send you to Eurovision with the Ultimate Armenian Pop Shit? Well, Emmy quickly realized that there’s no need to waste her skills, so she’s gonna save face and make clear that if she’s making a fool of herself in front of twenty countries, it’s because she can… Look at her, sitting on a box glove bigger than her and with her name on diamonds, with boxers (pity that they stayed covered, btw) and the stupidest use of LEDs we’re gonna see, having a ball and basically giving us all the finger. How great is that?

Suck on that, Europe, Emmy is big enough to sing crap at your face!

Oh, yeah, and… LEGS!

Not qualifying. She did all she could, but this song was Doom Doomed since the beginning (oh, look at me I’m so clever)

Someone commented on Youtube:  (.)(.) Nice.

Turkey, on the other hand, is prety artsy. You can tell because they’re singing rock! No legs here, sorry. Just a bunch of dudes who didn’t bother on picking their outfits. Barbara Dex Award for them? Maybe.

Something moves on a cage behind the lead singer. I think it was against the rules to bring animals onstage, but when we see the face, it becomes clear it’s not an animal. Neither human: it’s a Cirque du Soleil artist, twisting in anguish, trying to make us understand her agony.

Oh, look, there’s also a Theremin! That’s awesome. The thing goes on for a couple minutes more, and then the prisoner grows wings and breaks free. Then she strangles her captors with her feet and flies away, but we can’t see it because they cut to the next postcard.

Not qualifying. How could they? They’re dead. See, Turkey, that’s why you shouldn’t mess with Cirque du Soleil artists.

Then we had the Pink Ladies from Serbia and the T-Birds from Russia, more legs from Switzerland, a bad rock group by Georgia and the cutest song of the year from Finland. All of them qualified, so I’m not gonna discuss them here.

Malta is overdoing the eyebrows and underdoing the outfits. Sadly, this kind of things don’t cancel each other out. The song is like Born This Way, but sung by a dude and plainer. Humm… no, thanks. A big gay act needs a big gay song. This is good for a little gay song, but falls  short for Eurovision. Bether luck on the nightclub circuit, Glen, you deserve it.

Not qualifying. As I said, he belongs with the nightclubs.

Senit knows her act is dead before she starts, so she can do whatever she wants. Including having bad hair, half showing her legs, going crazy with the fog and, giving us a quality song. I bet Chiara’s throwing things at the TV. This is so her style it hurts.

Not qualifying, of course. She was totally robbed.

Daria, from Croatia.

LEGS!… ejem, let’s be professional.

Croatia was robbed AGAIN. Damn you, Europe. They saw nobody else was going to do clothes changes, so they did TWO so we got our share of these as well as magic tricks, fireworks, disco beat and, in a nutshell, distilled Euroshit of the best kind, and this is how you pay them?

Of course, the last dress is from when her mother was her age (or may be from when Lilian Gish was her age), but still this is the coolest thing we’re gonna see on the night. Not to mention that she’s the only one daring to use the catwalk.I can almost hear all the other artists in the green room:

Stella: Wait… you could use the catwalk?

Evelina: Use the catwalk? WHY for God’s love would you do that?

Paradise Oskar: Are you telling me you could move?

(By the way, a friend of mine spotted a Mexican flag when she went downt to the catwalk. I don’t know who that bastard is, but I hate them. I sould be there, not them)

Not qualifying. I don’t love you, Europe.

Then we have a bunch of soft Icelandic dudes with a soft Icelandic ballad, and a Hungarian housemom gone disco. Both qualified.

Portugal is shouting a big «Fuck you» in the face of Europe, and doing it in the worst… best… worst… possible way. The point of this song, is of course, to be pointless and ridiculous, but at the same time, making a point so serious that it’s forbidden in Eurovision. And they do it. Wow.

Also, random camerawork and no stage tricks.Where do you think you are, folks? This is bloody Eurovision!

Qualify? With this shown like this? In your dreams!

Someone commented in youtube: Okay, what has Portugal been smoking?

Then we had the last round of qualifiers: Lithuania, Azerbaijan, and (sigh) Greece. Yup. We got rid of Turkey and Armenia, two of the traditional heavyweights, but Greece apparently was too much to ask. Well, at least Finland and Serbia passed.

Off to semi 2!

Quick thoughts about the second semi.

I have been SO let down this year. Dana killed her act in a horrible way. The song was epic, but everything else was NOT.

I couldn’t see the second semi. Why? School, that’s why. I only got to see the last four acts, clinging on the university Wi-Fi who froze when Latvia started, and returned when Denmark was starting. Then, in the recaps (both of them), it froze again when Latvia was onscreen.

Apparently that Wi-Fi has good taste on music.

Anyway, I like that Austria, Slovenia, Romania and Denmark passed. I don’t root for them, but it’s good. An Ireland is gonna be SO scary.

Quick toughts about the first Semi.

I don’t have a lot of time, so here it goes:

Poland killed their act. Totally. I’m angry at them. Well, actually no. I’m kinda meh. If a week ago someone had told me that I wouldn’t care of Poland not passing, I wouldn’t have believed.

And Croatia was the most awesome thing of the night. She owned the stage and, specially, she owned the catwalk: NINETEEN acts and she was the only one to walk down and use it. I’m angry at Europe.

So, now that Magdalena jumped over a cliff and Daria was buried alive, I only have left Oskar (¡Yay!) and Nina to root for. Well, there’s also Katy, but when I look at her the only thing coming to my mind is how awful her ring is.

And what about Norway? Did it really have so many broadcasting problems as they say? Because it sounds truly unfair to me.


No puedo creer que me importe tan poco que Polonia no haya pasado… pero es que mataron su acto. Completamente. Y ni siquiera me enoja. No puedo creer que me deje tan frío, en serio.

En cambio, estoy furioso porque Croacia no pasó. Tal vez fue el mejor acto de la noche, y no sólo por los cambios de vestuario. DIECINUEVE artistas y fue la única que se atrevió a bajarse del escenario.

¿Y qué pasó con Noruega? ¿De verdad tuvo todos los problemas que dicen que tuvo?

Así que ahora que Magdalena se tiró por un acantilado y a Daria la enterraron viva, sólo me quedan Nina y Oskar para alimentar mis esperanzas. Y Katy, pero lo único que puedo ver cuando la miro es su horrible anillo.

Coping with the copying.

If I had two faces, I’d be  double facepalming right now.

The Irish guys are acusing the British ones of betraying their fans.

The Russian dude is acusing the Swedish lad of stealing his live show.

Then, someone said he also stole his drumbeats of some Caribbean act.

And Sweden tried to divert the atention by acusing the Danish blokes of stealing their entire song from some Melodifestivalen entrant of a couple years ago.

In other news, the Azerbaijani song somehow got stuck in my head, even if I have my doubts about the performance. I’m rooting for them, actually.

And Emmy (who turned out to be quite a capable singer when the song calls for it) made Boom Boom a guilty pleasure for me. There’s no way to save the song and I feel really bad… but I kinda like it.

Now, let’s go in order.

First of all, Jedward, grow up. That kind of thing is the most subjective one and really, only Blue’s fans can judge if they have been betrayed.

Second, the live show thing… This is (supposedly) a SONG contest, so you can copy as much as you want of a show, concept or choreography as long as it’s not copyrighted.

Some samples of the «Girl with two backing dancers wearing dark and a dazzling choreography» thing:

Carola, 1991.

Selma, 1999

Alsou, 2000

Guri Schanke, 2008

Or how about some «Indie singer with a guitar and an idealistic ballad»?

Nicole, 1982

Walters and Kazha, 2005

Anna Bergendahl and Tom Dice, 2010 (We could debate about the true indieness of Tom, but he fits the concept)

Paradise Oskar, 2011

And let’s not even start with Helena, Ruslana, Kristina and that stuff.

So there.

The acusations of song copying are way more serious… after all, this is supposed to be a song contest. Let’s be clear:

It’s true that «New tomorrow» sounds like a slow version of «Sing for life»… in the chorus.

And it’s true that the drums on «Popular» sound a lot alike the palms on «Mr. Rasputin».

But ripping off is not the same thing that stealing… specially when both the Danish and Swedish acts are blatant ripoffs of Love Shine a Light. I’m willing to bet we can find more acts with the same beat than Popular and Mr. Rasputin.

Edit: Turns out there is. From 34 years ago, no less.

So there.

Listos para Eurovisión: Los finalistas, y mis votos.

Porque somos demasiado cool para estar en semifinales:

Francia: Amaury Vassili – Sognu

Amaury Vassili es Patricia Kaas, pero en hombre. Una de esas veces, digo, que Francia recuerda que son FRANCIA con mayúsculas y se supone que tengan CLASE con mayúsculas, así que se agarran a un gran nombre con montones de clase y demuestran que todavía puede irles bien cuando se esfuerzan. Sé que es el favorito, pero desde que me lo imaginé cantando el Trololo no puedo verlo ganando. Lo siento.

Italia: Raphael Gualazzi – Madness of love

No tengo la más mínima idea de si esto es clásico o rancio. Honestamente, Italia debería traer algo un poco más actual después de 14 años de ausencia, porque así parece que están completamente fuera de práctica.

Inglaterra: Blue – I can

Algo como esto, por ejemplo. Siendo Inglaterra y no teniendo a Andrew Lloyd Webber al piano, apuesto a que queda en los últimos diez, a menos que decidan enseñar un poco de cuerpo. A mí me gusta, pero… es Inglatera.

Alemania: Lena – Taken by a stranger

¿Listos, Aurela y Jedward? Lena viene a darles competencia en cuanto a alimentar pesadillas.  Si el año pasado que ganó me hubieran dicho que Lena podía dar tanto miedo no lo habría creído. Lo siento,pero dado que aunque no me gustó «Satellite» como ganadora, me gustó como canción, y me cayó bien Lena, voy a fingir que esta canción no existe para no arruinarlo.

España: Lucía Pérez – Que me quiten lo bailao

Esta canción me hace compadecer a Europa: pueden darse cuenta que España no está intentándolo con ganas, pero como no hablan español no pueden apreciar la auténtica magnificencia de este no esforzarse. Lo siento, pero aunque hice todo lo posible, no soy capaz de odiar esta canción.

De cualquier forma, sé que a ningún español le va a gustar. Les encanta odiarse.

Eso es todo.  Y por cierto, hay una epidemia de letras redundantes y todavía no se ha encontrado una cura. Tenemos el fabuloso «neverending forever» de Lituania, el brutal «danger is a risky business» de Alemania, y sobre todo el épico «don’t tell me that’s impossible, ‘cause I know it’s possible» de Suecia. ¿Cómo esperan que nos tomemos en serio canciones con letras así? ¿En especial si la de Suecia está justo al principio de la canción?

Si yo fuera un país, mis votos serían:

12:  Polonia

10: Serbia

8: Israel

7: Finlandia

6: Hungría

5: España (¡Silencio, perras!)

4: Croacia

3: Noruega

2: Rusia

1: Dinamarca (O tal vez Azerbaiyán)

Listos para Eurovisión: Semifinal II.

Aquí vamos. Estoy básicamente traduciendo mis comentarios en inglés, cambiando unos cuantos, así que si parte del post está en inglés… vuelvan más tarde.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Dino Merlin – Love in rewind

La canción me gusta: es melancólica, pero no depresiva, y el tipo de verdad sabe cantar. Pero el baile… niños y niñas, miren con atención: por eso es que no hay que beber antes de salir al escenario. ¿Está claro?

Austria: Nadine Beiler – The secret is love

Por si no tuvimos suficiente con una Balada Disney, este año tenemos DOS. Austria… me gusta tu canción, y entiendo que la última vez que participaste fue en la década pasada y estás un poco fuera de práctica, pero si vas a regresar, hazlo en grande. Trae a las Rounder Girls.

Países Bajos: 3JS – Never alone

¡A la peluquería ahora mismo! ¡Y de ahí al baño y a cortarse las uñas! Y ya que estámos en eso, cambio de guardarropa. La canción… la canción se puede quedar, es pasable. Por supuesto, después de darnos lo mejor del año pasado con el Sha-la-lie (y no, no estoy siendo sarcástico), es obvio que Holanda necesita un descanso.

Bélgica: Witloof Bay – With love baby

Esto es interesante. Hum… sí, eso, interesante. Es obvio que no van a llevarse nada (ni siquiera el pase a la final), pero es bueno tener algo tan distinto en el concurso de cuando en cuando. Es… eso, interesante.

Eslovaquia: Twiins – I’m still alive

Verso… no, coro… no, verso, no… ¿Qué es eso? No le entiendo a esta canción. Ya le di todas las oportunidades posibles y sigo sin entenderle. No puedo creer que esté escribiendo esto, pero cuando le añadieron rap mejoró, y es la primera canción que escucho en mi vida de la que pueda decirse eso.

Ucrania: Mika Newton – Angel

¡Porque no es una final nacional de Ucrania si no hay drama y se arriesgan a una multa! Un par de horas después de que Johanna… digo, Mika, ganara, ya estaban acusándola de sobornar jueces y manipular votos por teléfono. Uno de los jueces incluso lo admitió… más o menos.

Ucrania ya sabe lidiar con eso, así que convocaron a una nueva final, en la que participarían las tres que quedaron mejor en la anterior. Y ahí es donde empieza la diversión: Mika dijo que quería cambiar su canción. Después, las otras dos concursantes se retiraron (una con una excusa increíblemente falsa y la otra diciendo que la nueva final iba a estar igual de comprada que la anterior).

Y así, una semana antes de la fecha límite, se quedaron con en esta esquina Mika y en la otra nadie, y Mika, sin canción. Al final la televisora que representa a Ucrania decidió que ya había tenido suficiente y le enjaretó la versión en inglés de la canción. Con una letra horrible, dicho sea de paso.

Y no solo eso, sino que Mika está metiéndole mucha más fuerza de la que requiere. Suena mucho peor que la versión en ucraniano. Sólo espero que en la final vuelvan a ponerla en un pastel de bodas.

Y aún con todo esto, no es lo más desorganizado que vamos a ver este año.

Moldova: Zdob si Zdub – So lucky

Sombreros cónicos, trompetas y un hada en monociclo. Sin duda, Moldova es especialista en hacer del mal gusto un arte, pero esto está yendo demasiado lejos. Preferiría algo así como el video oficial, enseñando pezones y pechos descubiertos, y con el vocalista pareciéndose a Reese Rideout (NO ES BUENA IDEA BUSCAR EL NOMBRE EN GOOGLE. AL MENOS NO EN HORAS DE TRABAJO)

Suecia: Eric Saade – Popular

Lo primero que saltó en mi mente cuando vi esta presentación fue «Suecia de verdad está desesperada». Lo segundo que fue «Y no pasar a la final el año pasado sí que hirió lo más profundo de sus almas». Y siguieron pensamientos como ésos durante los tres minutos que duró la canción. Este año no hay problema: tienen seguro el pase a la final, incluso si  los únicos nórdicos que pueden ayudarlos son Irlanda y Dinamarca. (Yup. Irlanda es nórdico durante la semana de Eurovisión)

Chipre: Christos Mylordos – San aggelos s’agapissas

Creo que es lo más largo que hemos visto en un concurso sin una sola canción que no esté en inglés. Pero aquí Chipre, como no se entera de nada, nos trae una en griego… y que ni trayendo a Zorba podría ser más griega. Suena muy bonito a la primera, pero a la segunda y siguientes termina por aburrir. Tengo la ligera sospecha de que Chipre no va a comerse un rosco este año.

Bulgaria: Poli Genova  – Na inat.

Segunda canción que no está en inglés. Me recuerda a Roxette. O a Pink. ¿Alguna vez han participado esas chicas en Eurovisión? Si no, ¿A qué estamos esperando para mandarlas? Y por cierto, quiero una tecladotarra.

Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

Y con esta, terminamos con las canciones que no tienen nada de inglés.  La especialidad de Macedonia son las mezclas raras, pero me gusta mucho más la que hicieron este año, sobre todo porque sé que la garganta va a dolerle espantosamente después de la semifinal, y porque después del primer minuto todo es coro. Y porque está bueno, quiero verlo sin camisa.

Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong

¡Aquí viene, Dana Motherfucking International, a enseñarnos como es que hay que hacer las cosas! Puede que no tenga el busto integrado en sus genes, pero sabe moverlo como nadie, y sigue siendo ella: Dana. Motherfucking. International. Y con esta, terminamos con las canciones que tiene al menos un poco de no-inglés.

Eslovenia: Maja Keuc – No one.

Eso, Eslovenia, por fin lo entiendes. ¿Ves que era fácil admitir que si no eres Turquía o Grecia no tienes esperanzas con un acto folklórico? Es un buen acto: no brutal, pero sí efectivo. Me gusta.

Rumania: Hotel FM – Change.

Puedo imaginarme al director de escena: «Moños, tirantes, fedoras, ¿Cómo podemos volver esto más vintage?

¡Ya sé! ¡Faltan TROMPETAS!»

Y luego, con las tomas y el sombrero a cuadros del baterista, esto pasa de vintage a Mr. Sandman. Mira y aprende, Simon Matthew, así es como se hace un acto vintage.

Estonia: Getter Jaani – Rockefeller street.

¿Eh? ¿Qué rayos es eso? No entiendo de qué se supone que trate la canción. Ni siquiera estoy seguro que sea una canción. Es demasiado rara. Tiene algunos puntos interesantes (la magia, los bailarines, y el paso de verso a coro es impresionantemente fluido) pero en general, no tiene sentido. Necesito un diagrama para entenderla.

Belarús: Anastasia Vinnikova – I love Belarus

Y… díganle hola a la Alyosha de este año. Ahí va la historia completa: Anastasia ganó la final nacional con una canción titulada Born in Belorussia. La letra tenía menciones a la URSS, y la EBU, que no tenía ganas de buscarse problemas con un país que ya no existe, le pidió a Belarús que la cambiara.

Los compositores revolvieron un poquito la letra y la volvieron a sacar con el título I am Belarusian. Creo que la canción es  esta, pero no estoy seguro porque un día después o algo así, descubrieron que  la canción ya se había interpretado hace un año. Anastasia dijo que no era la misma canción porque habían cambiado la letra, pero nadie le hizo caso.

En este punto de la historia el año pasado, Alyosha se encerró a su cuarto a llorar y salió con una canción completamente nueva. Pero Anastasia estaba demasiado enamorada de su canción, así que ella (bueno, más bien los compositores) revolvieron más la canción, hicieron corte y costura hasta que pudieron fingir que era otra canción distinta, y la volvieron a sacar con el título de I love Belarus.

Por si el título no es lo bastante claro, es una de esas canciones en que un país se dedica a contarle a Europa lo maravilloso que es y cómo todos sus paisajes son bonitos y todos sus habitantes huelen bien. Pero no me importa, a cualquier país se le debe permitir un poco de eso de cuando en cuando. Además, me enloquece el instrumento metálico ese que suena al principio.

Letonia: Musiqq – Angel in disguise.

¿Por qué, Letonia, si te quiero tanto, insistes en hacerme esto?Año tras año tienes artistas tan buenos en tu final nacional… y tienes que elegir siempre al peor de todos para mandarlo a Eurovisión. El 2009 tenías a Kristina Zaharova con una canción de Martins Freimanis, y a Aisha en su mejor momento, y mandaste a Intars. El 2010 tenías a Lauris, Ivo y Kristina, y elegiste a Aisha en su peor momento. Y este año tenías a Ivo, Dace Upite y Lauris… ¿y eliges a Musiqq?

Cada vez haces más difícil quererte, Letonia.

Dinamarca: A Friend in London – New Tomorrow

Katrina and the Waves después de un cambio de sexo. Eso resume perfectamente a A friend in London. Puede funcionar con un show adecuado (y Dinamarca realmente sabe cómo hacerlos), pero lo que realmente importa: LAS. PELOTAS. TIENEN. QUE. IR. A. DÜSSELDORF.

(Ah, y la chica que quedó segunda en la final nacional también es increíble. Por cosas como esta es que te quiero, Dinamarca.)

Irlanda: Jedward – Lipstick.

Entre Lena, la tipa de Albania y estos chicos, mis pesadillas van a estar plagadas por artistas de Eurovisión este año. De verdad me dan miedo.

La única razón por la que les perdono todo el… ellos, es porque son el primer (o a lo más, el segundo) acto irlandés que suena como si perteneciera al siglo XX, y porque son lo más gay que vamos a ver este año.

Suecia y Ucrania tienen seguro el pase, e Israel casi seguro. Además, me gustaría ver en la final a Austria, Israel, Bulgaria, Eslovenia, Dinamarca, Rumania, Bélgica y Bielorrusia.

Listos para Eurovisión: Semifinal I

Aquí vamos otra vez:  Eurovisión 2011! Cada año lo espero con más ansias que la Navidad, y no decepciona. Este año, por cierto, hay muy pocas canciones mediocres: casi todas son brutalmente buenas o brutalmente malas.

Polonia: Magdalena Tul – Jestem

Si soy gay, ¿Por qué me excita esto? ¿Por qué?

Oh, claro… mi lado pasivo BDSM. El año no podría empezar mejor: una dominatriz con una canción pegajosa, que te hace sentir su tacón en tu cuello. Si esto no gana Europa se merece otra Peste Negra.

Noruega: Stella Mwgangi – Haba Haba

Les advertimos que había que detener el calentamiento global. Miren esto: Noruega se convirtió en un país tropical,y está mandando un número que parece sacado directamente de El Rey León, sólo que no tan Disney. No se preocupen, tenemos mucho Disney más adelante.

Y por cierto: hacen falta senos para bailar esta canción. No se puede sin algo que se mueva y rebote en… ahí. Pobres de los bailarines hombres, esto debe ser una tortura para ellos.

Albania: Aurela Gace – Feel the Passion.

¿Qué es esto? ¿Por qué están mandando algo así? De verdad me asusta. Lo siento, pero voy a taparme los ojos mientras esta mujer esté en el escenario.

Armenia: Emmy – Boom Boom.

Dios mío, si ibas a permitir que mandaran una canción tan mierdosa al festival, ¿Por qué no me hiciste lo bastante fuerte para odiarla? Creo que es la canción de peor gusto en los últimos diez años (salvo por la serbia del año pasado), y aún así me gusta. Necesito terapia.

Turquía: Yuksek Sadakat – Live it up.

Honestamente, me cuesta trabajo agarrarles el gusto a las canciones turcas. Incluso Manga y Mor ve Otessi, que son realmente buenas, me tomaron meses. Así que esta canción se quedará esperando hasta… hum… Octubre o algo así.

Serbia: Nina – Čaroban

¡Y Serbia se hace perdonar instantáneamente por lo que hicieron el año pasado! No tengo idea de a qué década viajaron para conseguir esta canción (¿Setentas, cincuentas? Da igual) pero me ENCANTA.

Rusia: Alexey Vorobyov – Get you.

El primer gran acto pop de la noche: Megacoreografía, disco a todo volumen, un ejemplar perfecto de hombre eslavo, ¿Qué más le podemos pedir a la vida? Aparte, claro, de que se quite la camisa. Yclaro, si mandando un acto abominable como el del año pasado quedaron undécimos, es seguro que este año quedan entre los primeros 5.

Suiza: Anna Rossinelli – In love for a while

Que Lena le haya funcionado a Alemania no significa que un clon suyo vaya a funcionarle a Suiza, en especial cuando es dolorosamente obvio que no sabe qué hacer con sus pies, ni con su expresión, ni, sobretodo, con sus manos. Pausa para el baño.

Georgia: Eldrine – One More Day.

Por eso, niños y niñas, es que si tienen una buena canción no deben mezclarla con rap: Porque se echa completamente a perder. Qué pena, con lo buena que era la artista que mandaron el año pasado.

Finlandia: Paradise Oskar – Da da dam.

No, no es una copia del belga del año pasado: Es mono, tiene bonita voz, y a diferencia del belga, éste sí se atreve a subir solo al escenario.

Malta: Glen Vella – One Life

¡Y aquí tenemos el primer gran acto gay de la noche! No es guapo, no tiene tan buena voz, pero definitivamente sabe moverse. De cualquier forma, no es mi favorito ni de lejos, pero no está taaaaan mal.

San Marino: Senit – Stand by

Yep, San Marino. Ése país chiquitito que hasta hace mucho no podía entrar porque no tenía un canal de televisión propio, y cuando lo consiguieron no pudieron participar más de una vez porque era más de lo que podían gastar. Los está representando una italiana (Con una canción de la que Chiara estaría orgullosa, y montones de clase, y ojalá se ponga un vestido hermoso porque la canción lo merece) porque si se limitaran a enviar artistas de San Marino tendrían que enviar al mismo todos los años.

Croacia: Daria Kinzer – Celebrate.

Aquí va, el segundo gran acto pop de la noche. Es bueno, pero el voto político podría jugar en su contra. Casi todos los amigos de Croacia están en la otra semifinal.

Islandia: Sigurjon’s friends – Coming home.

Es un tributo a Sigurjón Brink, un cantante islandés que murió poco antes de la final nacional. Siendo tan melosa y con un título como ese, un buen publicista puede hacer maravillas con esa historia. Falta ver si consiguen colársela a Europa.

Hungría: Kati Wolf – What about my dreams?

A diferencia de San Marino (E Italia, ya lo veremos luego), Hungría realmente SABE cómo regresar al concurso por la puerta grande. Mientras no se le ocurra llevar su botella de agua al escenario, preveo un top 10 para ella.

Portugal: Homens da luta – Luta e alegria

Si Portugal, Portugal entre todos los países posibles, está mandando un acto cómico, es que la situación realmente está grave. Y además consiguieron colar esto en el concurso siendo política pura: Es lo bueno de que nadie más en Europa hable tu idioma.

Lituania: Evelina Sasenko – C’est ma vie

El Disney que le faltaba a la noruega lo tiene la lituana: Mucho, mucho Disney. Lo único que no es Disney es el vestido, que es como Disney pero con transparencias. Espantoso. La canción es  bonita, pero al igual que con Suiza, bastante olvidable. Segunda pausa para el baño.

Azerbaiyán: Eli & Nikki – Running scared

Es evidente que Nikki es demasiado mujer para Eli. Ven, Eli, te prometo que va a irte mejor en nuestro equipo. Otros que tienen un top 10 seguro, y podemos apostar que vamos a ver viento, luces, escaleras y ropas blancas flotantes. Acepto apuestas .

Grecia: Loukas Giorkas featuring Stereo Mike – Watch my dance

¿Qué parte de «No hay que mezclar buenas canciones con rap cuesta trabajo entender? Y en este caso es aún peor porque la canción, sin el rap, de verdad vale la pena. Es bellísima. Qué pena, Grecia.

(Y pensar que pudieron haber enviado a  La hermana menor de Magdalena y no lo hicieron)

Obviamente, Azerbaiyán, Rusia, Turquía y Grecia van a pasar. Los otros seis me gustaría que fueran Polonia, Croacia, Hungría, Noruega, Serbia y, como soñar es gratis, Finlandia.

Mis finalistas ideales serían todos esos, excepto Turquía y Grecia. En su lugar pondría a San Marino y Portugal. (No, no porque sea bueno, sino porque amaría ver esa cosa en una final de Eurovisión)