Eurovision review. Semi 1: Legs get down to business!

Here we go. In the middle of my final exams and with a lot to catch up with, so this will go really slow. If you enter here and there are less than nineteen songs, come back in a week. Or three.

The theme for this semi were, of course, girl’s legs. On all sizes and shapes, most of them gorgeous… so there:

The only channel broadcasting Eurovision here in Mexico was TVE, and only the one that transmitted the final, so I had to watch all of it online. It was nice, because… no comentators! Yeah! Still, I have to put up with Stefan and Ange trying to be funny, but nobody said life would be perfect.

And we open with Magdalena Tul, from Poland, singing Jestem. See what I told you? Legs. Apparently, Poland decided they didn’t have money to host the next contest, so they took away all the coolnes they could. They took away the leather, the full force acrobatics, half the choreography, and if they didn’t take away the song and the singer is because they didn’t have money for a fine either. I feel so let down right now.

Not qualifying, and what can I say… I understand it.

The next legs to grace our stage belong to Norway’s Stella Mwangi with Haba Haba. That’s a very nice use of LED’s going back there, you see. And the song is cute.

I still don’t get why she didn’t pass. Maybe the dress. I’m sure if she sits on that dress she’s  not gonna notice the floor.

Albania sends Aurela Gace, less scary than I thought she’d be and with a great LED show, but the rest is pretty forgettable, even with the fireworks, fog and massive use of fans. It’s supposed to be eagle-themed, but Aurela ruins it with her body language.

Not qualifying. Meh.

Armenia. Dear God. What can you do if you’re the Ultimate Armenian Pop Diva, and they send you to Eurovision with the Ultimate Armenian Pop Shit? Well, Emmy quickly realized that there’s no need to waste her skills, so she’s gonna save face and make clear that if she’s making a fool of herself in front of twenty countries, it’s because she can… Look at her, sitting on a box glove bigger than her and with her name on diamonds, with boxers (pity that they stayed covered, btw) and the stupidest use of LEDs we’re gonna see, having a ball and basically giving us all the finger. How great is that?

Suck on that, Europe, Emmy is big enough to sing crap at your face!

Oh, yeah, and… LEGS!

Not qualifying. She did all she could, but this song was Doom Doomed since the beginning (oh, look at me I’m so clever)

Someone commented on Youtube:  (.)(.) Nice.

Turkey, on the other hand, is prety artsy. You can tell because they’re singing rock! No legs here, sorry. Just a bunch of dudes who didn’t bother on picking their outfits. Barbara Dex Award for them? Maybe.

Something moves on a cage behind the lead singer. I think it was against the rules to bring animals onstage, but when we see the face, it becomes clear it’s not an animal. Neither human: it’s a Cirque du Soleil artist, twisting in anguish, trying to make us understand her agony.

Oh, look, there’s also a Theremin! That’s awesome. The thing goes on for a couple minutes more, and then the prisoner grows wings and breaks free. Then she strangles her captors with her feet and flies away, but we can’t see it because they cut to the next postcard.

Not qualifying. How could they? They’re dead. See, Turkey, that’s why you shouldn’t mess with Cirque du Soleil artists.

Then we had the Pink Ladies from Serbia and the T-Birds from Russia, more legs from Switzerland, a bad rock group by Georgia and the cutest song of the year from Finland. All of them qualified, so I’m not gonna discuss them here.

Malta is overdoing the eyebrows and underdoing the outfits. Sadly, this kind of things don’t cancel each other out. The song is like Born This Way, but sung by a dude and plainer. Humm… no, thanks. A big gay act needs a big gay song. This is good for a little gay song, but falls  short for Eurovision. Bether luck on the nightclub circuit, Glen, you deserve it.

Not qualifying. As I said, he belongs with the nightclubs.

Senit knows her act is dead before she starts, so she can do whatever she wants. Including having bad hair, half showing her legs, going crazy with the fog and, giving us a quality song. I bet Chiara’s throwing things at the TV. This is so her style it hurts.

Not qualifying, of course. She was totally robbed.

Daria, from Croatia.

LEGS!… ejem, let’s be professional.

Croatia was robbed AGAIN. Damn you, Europe. They saw nobody else was going to do clothes changes, so they did TWO so we got our share of these as well as magic tricks, fireworks, disco beat and, in a nutshell, distilled Euroshit of the best kind, and this is how you pay them?

Of course, the last dress is from when her mother was her age (or may be from when Lilian Gish was her age), but still this is the coolest thing we’re gonna see on the night. Not to mention that she’s the only one daring to use the catwalk.I can almost hear all the other artists in the green room:

Stella: Wait… you could use the catwalk?

Evelina: Use the catwalk? WHY for God’s love would you do that?

Paradise Oskar: Are you telling me you could move?

(By the way, a friend of mine spotted a Mexican flag when she went downt to the catwalk. I don’t know who that bastard is, but I hate them. I sould be there, not them)

Not qualifying. I don’t love you, Europe.

Then we have a bunch of soft Icelandic dudes with a soft Icelandic ballad, and a Hungarian housemom gone disco. Both qualified.

Portugal is shouting a big “Fuck you” in the face of Europe, and doing it in the worst… best… worst… possible way. The point of this song, is of course, to be pointless and ridiculous, but at the same time, making a point so serious that it’s forbidden in Eurovision. And they do it. Wow.

Also, random camerawork and no stage tricks.Where do you think you are, folks? This is bloody Eurovision!

Qualify? With this shown like this? In your dreams!

Someone commented in youtube: Okay, what has Portugal been smoking?

Then we had the last round of qualifiers: Lithuania, Azerbaijan, and (sigh) Greece. Yup. We got rid of Turkey and Armenia, two of the traditional heavyweights, but Greece apparently was too much to ask. Well, at least Finland and Serbia passed.

Off to semi 2!

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