Eurovision Review. The Final: True musicians.

Disclaimer: This will get updated a LOT. School calls. So, if you see I haven’t reached Georgia and the Marcel Bezencon Awards, come back in a couple weeks.

I got stood up for the final. I invited four friends and only one came over. I invited my cousin and my brother to have the perspective of some straight males, but my brother stopped to drink a glass of soda and left. And my cousin was asleep. So there were we, a couple gay guys with more soda we could drink, ready to have fun.

TVE got rid (thanks) of Uribarri, and instead brought us some guy named Iñigo. He’s nice and doesn’t try to make the whole damn thing revolve around him, but he never shuts up. Ever. At first it’s annoying (it’s not like they’re paying him for talking, is it?), but when I discover that spares me of Stefan joking with Ange it becomes super. Oh, yeah, Iñigo, talk to me!

The show starts with Ange and Judith proving their dresses are not for walking, while Stefan redeems himself by showing Satellite can actually sound good. You better do it, guy, because you’re to blame for that song winning. Rock it is actually the least you can do. Suddenly, a bunch of Lenas join him onstage, and then the real Lena appears too. This is all about her, damn it. If she wins again, the next stage is gonna have the shape of her face. And I’ll have nightmares forever.

Aaaaaaanddd… Ready… Set…

Finland, again, is giving us the most underrated song of the year and doing it with total class. C’mon, Europe! He’s a cute guy singing about saving the world! How can you NOT fall in love with him? I don’t get it. At all.

21st. The first song in the final, and justice is already dead. What hopes have we got then?

Dino calls from one side of the stage. A girl responds, and the next take reveals that they’re missing each other by… ok, they’re almost back to back. It all goes downhill from there, in a quite hilarious way if you ask me. The fake piano playing, the guitar holding, the jumps, and the triangle man, oh, the triangle man! He might be even better than the crotchsax players Moldova sent last year. The curtains are pretty cool, too, and then there’s group waving and they blow kisses to the camera. Not in the big leagues, but not so bad either.

6th. A little excesive if you ask me.

Denmark is sending Jedward’s older brother. Of course, he’s so embarrased of them that he’ll deny it, but the hair betrays him. Apparently, he’s trying to do sign language, and forgot to go to the bathroom before performing. Besides that, this is great. I’m glad they bought the balls.

5th. Well done, Denmark.

Lithuania has lots of rack, lots of ass, enough sign language to make us feel back in the naughties and a dress even worse than those of Ange and Judith. And an impossibly Disney camerawork. C’mon, when’s the movie? If the graphics are decent, I’d love it, I’m sure. Besides, it has a sorrow/tomorrow rhyme. That, people, is not an Eurovision classic: it’ s a universal music, neverending forever classic. Even Barbra Streisand did it once.

19th. Higher than Finland, believe it or not.

For reasons only known to God and the dress director, Katy Wolf from Hungary is wearing a cute little hat on her finger, her dress ends where most skirts usually start, and her backing performers have lights on their bodies. Crotches included. This is utterly fabulous, I tell you. And she really can sing. Even if it’s so… something, it’s a must.

22nd. What? Katy, you were robbed, honey, ROBBED!

Ireland is using the LEDs to proyect an  80’s James Bond opening, and then gives us the perfect James Bond villains: Creepy twins with weird hair! I hope there are producers watching this, because this guys are a freaking goldmine. And someone (maybe Iñigo?) lets us know that they’re entering because they want to be recognized everywhere they go. I knew they were evil: First Eurovision, then the world!

8th. Someone shoot them, please.

What are you doing, Sweden? You’re ruining a perfectly good Eric Saade! If he’s so cute and hot and yummy, why do you have to give him such an abominable song and sucky choreography? Not even my vain and shallow side responds to this, and that’s much to say. Believe it or  not, the most they show are their shoulders… add the Big Eye of Sauron watching from behind, and this is officially lost for me.

3rd. 3RD? Are you fucking kidding me, Europe?

Estonia has magic tricks! And gummy buildings popping in the background! Oh, this is sooooo colorful and senseless that it actually becomes cute, but everyone here has weird faces (Getter the most) that make me think they’re actually evil. Maybe they will team up with Jedward to conquer the world.

24th. And whe was supposed to be a frontrunner. Sigh.

Greece sent Loukas Giorkas with a beautiful traditional ballad, but somehow a guy keeps messing with the song and music and  interrupting Loukas every time he tries to sing. And no one, NO ONE, does anything to stop this vandalism. Where’s security when you need them?

7th. Greece, apparently, is determined to prove that this is all a big fat joke.

Thanks, Russia, for waking us up! Even if you waste a great opportunity to show us chests, got leds on your shoes, and apparently didn’t have enough LED screens and had to bring a pair of your own, you’re catchy and likable. And unitnentionally funny, specially when Alex & Company try to entice us showing us their glowing backs Last time I checked, that was sexy for abyssal fishes in heat. Which I’m not.

I loved the Ah! at the end. Sounds like a soda ad, doesn’t it?

16th. The worst result Russia has had in like forever. I hope he’s not punished that hard: he’s too hot for Siberia.

Amaury Vassili from France forgot his hair and had to borrow some from Dana International. Also, there was a failure that let us know that the LED screen runs on Windows. But his main problem is neither of those, no. His main problem is that he misses the first note he sings. And the second. And the fourth. From then on, he slides into desperation, trying to regain his nerves and failing. At the end, after what surely was the longest three minutes of his life, he gives us the most tortured smile ever.

15th. Poor dude.

Before Italy starts, Iñigo informs us that this singer is a true musician. What the hell is he doing here? Besides that, now I know in every song I will be wondering wether I’m seeing a true musician. You just ruined Eurovision for me, Iñigo, thank you very much.

This really begs to be listened while drinking on a bar. He yells like crap, but hey, he has the True Musician Seal granted by Iñigo, so it’s okay.

And to prove it, he comes SECOND. Europe really needs Italy’s money, don’t they?

Switzerland is going all Carebears and fluff on us. Look, they have colored clouds in the background, and stars, and bubbles! Bubbles, for God’s love! It only needs some rainbows and unicorns to be perfect. Anna loosened up a bit, and became quite lovely on her own, akward way. Wow.

Aaaaaandddd… last! 25th! Damn you, Europe, this was adorkable!

The guys from United Kingdom bring four extra LED screens for their act. And then… they thought it was a good idea to display digitally enhanced images of themselves for us to compare. Brilliant! And, since they’re a huge group with songs on the charts and stuff, probably they’re even true musicians.

Eleventh. Say thank you, boys.

I think I’m high, or… no, I’m not high. Moldova is just doing… something. Totally absurd. Dear God. Funny nonsense, right, and I find myself repelled and fascinated by the lollypop gnomes in the background.

Twelfth.WHAT. Doesn’t matter, actually. I would have said that whatever they placed.

Lena needs a full-force exorcism. And, after what she’s done there, the whole stage might use one as well.I don’t know what’s scarier, her face, her dancers, or the dancers projections in the screen.

Tenth. No, of course she’s not a true musician. She’s a nightmare in stilettos.

The lead singer from Romania is good on the eyes. He’s also full of himself enough to be a tease, but not enought to be a bother, and he looks at the camera like he knows exactly what I want. I know it’s the cheapest trick of them all, but what an I say, I’m human.

My friend complains that this is the third song in the night about saving the world, but my brain can’t process it right now. It’s too busy stripping David Bryan. Wow. Then there comes a sing-and-clap-along-moment. Romania clearly loves their dirty tricks this year.

17th. You were awesome, Romania!

Austria is being totally perfect! This is how you should sing a Disney Ballad. Whoah, I love you, Austria, this is great!

18th, because Europe is blind and deaf.

And there he comes Azerbaijan, opening with an big white octopus! Yeah, not anything we haven’t seen before, but it’s all quite neatly done. They spent the first half of the song without even realizing the other is in the same country, let alone in the same stage. And they only touch in the last 30 seconds. And the choreography is dull, but somehow they manage to make it all fit perfectly.

Winner! Does that mean they’re true musicians?

With a singer like the one Slovenia has, the song doesn’t matter. It’s just a pretext to put inexistant thorned orchids on the screen and spend three minutes watching Maja look hot dressed in gold and plastic and spinning her wrist. Which she does like no one (Oh look at me I’m so clever).


Iceland has… well… a coffee bar band, I guess. Not bad, but not outstanding, either. They’re nice, and that’s all. Not even the gay kiss (dullest gay kiss ever, btw) can give more life to this.

20th. Whatever.

Spain is rubbing on Europe’s face that, if they can’t get the best placing, at least they have the best sun and sand and parties. Don’t let the lack of a true song fool you, this girl is a true singer. You can’t tell it because she takes what could be a BoomBoomtastic act and turns it into a great thing. I loved every single camp, fabulous, terrific second of this!

23rd. No kidding! Europe deserves to die.

If you thought Dima Bilan had crossed the line with his ice skater, wait till you see this: Ukraine has Maleficent doing sand drawings. What’s next? Cooking, kniting, sculpting? I better not give them ideas. However, it helps distracting us and making us forget how bad it sounds in English. Crystal white? Really? Since when crystal is white? She does a better eagle than Aurela, though. Also, it took an eternity to start (and by that I mean fifteen seconds)

4th. Seriously? I can’t believe this.

Serbia’s committed to rock the house down. And if that means they have to trigger epileptic attacs over all Europe, so be it. There are no words to say how great this is. How totally, absolutely, completely, unbeatably great this is. I love you, Serbia!

14th. Like really, Europe, what the heck’s wrong with you?

And then it comes Georgia’s combo of Amy Winehouse plus Stereo Mike and honestly, the less you say about them, the better.

And they get ninth somehow. Damn it.

Then comes the voting. My friend and I do a little coferencing after the first votes, and we decide we don’t want Popular to win, so we cheer for anybody else. People boo when other countries do the shameless yearly point exchange, but get wild when Germany and neighbours do the same. I love seeing all familiar faces: Dima, Ruslana, Sofia, Safura, that guy from Miodio, and Aisha, whom I hate when she tries to sing, but whom I love instantly for the magnificent way whe slaps Eric on the face in literally the last possible moment.

So that was it. My personal top 5 was:

1. Serbia

2. Finland

3. Azerbaijan

4. Romania

5. Hungary

The couch’s top five was:

1. Serbia

2. Azerbaijan

3. Spain

4. Finland

5. A tie between Romania and Austria.

And the special awards were:

Marcel Bezencon’s Press Award goes to… Finland! Congrats, Oskar!

Marcel Bezencon’s Comentator Award is for… Ireland!

And the Composer Award goes to France. As a consolation prize. I felt an evil pleasure watching him whine when he received his last 12 points from Belgium.

Finally, the Barbara Dex Award went to Georgia. I would have given it to Ireland, but still is a deserved award.

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