Archivo mensual: abril 2012

Eurovision 2012: What should have been.

As I said in the comment, nearly half of the songs this year have something wrong about them. They’re either plain, bad, mediocre, bad trolls or… something. So, if you excuse me, I’m gonna  use this post to paint my owh little happy world about what should have been sent instead.

First of all, Montenegro should have sent anything else instead of Euro Neuro for reasons of absolute boringness. I can’t say what because they didn’t hold a final, but nearly anything would’ve been worked.

Latvia, for reasons of the song being lousy, should have sent some other act instead of Anmary. The best one on the national final was Andris Abelite with «Pedejais vards» but on the previous round there were some amazing songs that didn’t qualify to the final. My favourite was «We are not in Rome» that didn’t even make it to the second round. I can’t link to any of the songs because both got deleted, but trust me, they were perfect. And they didn’t even tell us the artist of the second one. (BTW, if somebody knows who composed and/or performed that, you will get my eternal gratitude).

Switzerland, for reason of her being awesome, should have sent Lys Motherfucking Assia with «C’etait ma vie». She’s nearly ninety and she still can outclass 90% of bitches around. Being Switzerland, her chances to win would be just as zero as with Sinplus, but sending in someone who had won this contest before all the contestants but Russia and UK were born would have been a first class «fuck you» in the face of Europe. Also, it’s been proven that this year belongs to the old generations, so she DESERVED it.

Denmark, for reasons of the song being so boring I cant’ hear more than half of it, should have known better and sent in Jesper with «Take our hearts». Jesper was good, he probably had at least top 10 guaranteed, quite possibly top 5, specially on a year like this. Soluna… I think she’s doomed.

Austria, for reasons of their entry being awful should have sent instead the fabulous Conchita Wurst with «That’s what I am» . But I guess the host would be uncomfortable having around a proud crossdresser with a beard preventing them to pretend they don’t know she’s not a woman. And the song being a LGBT pride anthem didn’t help either. I changed my mind, Trackshittaz are perfect for Baku. Objecizing asses is a lot less likely to get lynched than a message about being true to yourself. The world somethimes scares me.

Netherlands… well, I love Joan, but to be honest, they should have sent Ivan Peroti with «Take me As I Am», for reasons of him being really good and having better chances to at least passing to the final than Joan.

Malta, for reasons of blandness and a certain lack of appeal, should have gone instead for one of the Faniello siblings. Either Claudia channeling Chiara/Whitney Houston of Fabrizio channeling a heterosexual male with a daughter. Either would do.

Ukraine, for reasons of an infinite superiority over the badness package that won, should have sent Max Barsikh with «Dance». But I guess they didn’t want to look like they were copying Eric/Tooji, so we have to deal instead with the worst song Ukraine’s ever sent.

Slovenia, for reasons of absolute amazing quality, should have sent Eva Boto, yeah, but with «A si sanjal me» instead of «Verjamem». The ballad is a little boring, while this hits all the right buttons at once. What was Slovenia thinking, really?

Georgia, for more than obvious reasons, should have sent ANY other song in their national final. Seriously, they picked the worst one and it seems they picked it for being the worst. My personal choice would have been REMA with «Feel me». It’s not like they’re impressively good, but they are worlds apart from the joker..

Some other potential choices: How about Adele for UK? And while I love Roman, Ornella di Santis would have also been a nice choice for Germany.

If I were an Eurovision country

These would be my points:

12: Iceland

10: Italy

8: Estonia

7: Greece

6: Cyprus

5: Portugal

4: Germany

3: Lithuania

2: Serbia

1: France

The winner quality club opens its doors to: Iceland, Estonia, Portugal, France and Italy.

The ones who fall a little short: Greece, because even I have to admit it’s too generic. Cyprus, because we’re still to see a good live delivery. Lithuania, because he HAS to fix his performance. Germany because his song is lacking something, I don’t know what, Serbia because he needs a stronger buildup, and Sweden because there’s no substance behind all that style.

Best song overall: Iceland, of course. I think we haven’t seen anything this good on this style since Greece 2001.

Best show overall on the preview: Quite predictably, Sweden.

Worst song overall: Georgia and Austria. I can’t pick one.

Shittiest song overall: I was about to say Austria, but no. San Marino.

Overall, the cutest guy is Ott Lepland from Estonia, and the hottest guy is Roman Lob from Germany. The cutest girl is Joan Franka from Netherlands and the hottest girl is Eleftheria from Greece, but it’s not like the female pool this year was that extraordinary.

This is The Big Six giving a shit.

Well, yeah, this year the automatic finalists (The Big Five plus Azerbaijan) got together a pretty good collective act:

United Kingdom: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love will set you free

Yeah… he’s dead and buried because he opens the final, but my, what an opening. I love his voice and the ballad is quite good. I’m about to bet UK surprised everybody by announcing this guy as their representative, and then as making him turn out pretty good.

France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)

May I say I consider plain stupid the idea of using a title for a song, and then another one in parentheses? And may I say this is the only thing I DON’T like about this song? It’s a delicious upbeat act with great beat and perfect for the singer. The only thing it needs to be absolutely amazing is a stronger closure.

Italy: Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out of love)

What did I say about titles in parentheses? And what did I say about delicious? Not that I didn’t like «Per sempre», but I loved the change. Maybe more Italian would be good for the song, but this hits all the right buttons. Just one thing: what’s with the «boom boom»? Between this and Russia, I’m thinking Emmy was months ahead of her time.

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeba – When the music dies

The weakest song of the post. A good dramatic ballad (I totally can picture Rachel Berry of Glee singing this), but too slow and even. I’m afraid this can break Azerbaijan’s perfect Top 10 record.

Spain: Pastora Soler – Quédate conmigo

Girl. Change the dress. NOW. Also, work on your hand gestures, because the ones you have… they’re awful. You can keep the song if you want. The song’s good. It reminds me of I don’t know what, but something good.

Germany: Roman Lob – Standing still

A sweet ballad sung by a cute guy. How can I resist?

Well, the chorus sometimes is too monotone, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive to that face. And despite the chorus, the song’s pretty good too.

This is Europe not giving a shit (Part 2)

We’re done witht he first semi, but there’s still one to go. Fortunately, most of the badness this year gathered in the first semi (That, or Iceland sucked all the quality out of their competitors, just like Die for you did with nearly all the 2001 contestants, winner included), so this semi is gonna be better. I promise.

(This post is gonna take several days, so if you’re here and I haven’t reached Lithuania, come back later)

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic – Nije Ljubav Stvar

Both previous Eurovision songs by Zeljko are pretty good, but this one falls a little short. I feel like the whole song works towards a climax that never arrives. I like it, but not as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i Belo

It needs a stronger end, but it’s anyway the closest we’re gonna find to a diva this year. See, Albania? This is how you screech a song.

Netherlands: Joan Franka -You and Me

This is Netherlands not giving a shit. They know it’s gonna be the same whatever they send, so why bother? Why not send Joan Baez.. sorry, Franka, with an Indian head-thingy and a nice song about puppy love? They can afford it because their chances are gone before they come. I like it, though. Once I get used to her being dressed like Sacajawea.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This is the Night

At first listening I didn’t like it that much, but on the second, it’s not that bad. A good tame disco with bland but enjoyable beat. Still, they had better things in their national final.

Belarus: Litesound – We are the Heroes

They were actually the runner-up in their national final, but since the winner was found to rig the votes… yeah, that. I wish I had something to say about this song.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida Minha

Well, now we’re talking. I don’t know why I love this, but I do. Of course, Portugal doesn’t give a shit for the same reasons Netherlands doesn’t, but they manage to get everything right anyway. Let’s just add some lights and flowers in their staging, and they’re done.

Ukraine: Gaitana -Be my guest

Ukraine is so not giving a shit they decided they better use the contest to make some product placement for some sports competition they’re co-hosting with Poland, so they’re sending… this. Gaitana got criticized for some Ukrainian folks who said she’s «too ethnic» to represent Ukraine.

How silly of them. They should criticize her because her song is awful and she sings badly. And now, everyone who says anything against her can and will be labeled as racist. Brilliant, guys. Now political correctness will force us to swallow this. Just brilliant.

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Aaaaaaannnddd… back on the track again! Bulgiaria just decided to add some Eastern taste to their song, since this year we’re all going East. I just hope they do a really heavy show for this song, like dancers with veils, water and fire rains, fireworks… and please, change the dress. It makes her boobs look like they’re in her waist.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Why does the backing singer remind me of Virginia Woolf? And why, in name of everything that can be named, is she wearing that on her head?

Oh, yeah, the song… WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD? And why the song makes me think of The Little Mermaid? It’s a nice array of voices the one they have here, though. BUT WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD?

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

I wish I had found the live performance in Dora, because Nina WAS actually wearing a veil-and-fan combination that would make Carola die of envy, and nailed all her notes live. All she needs to steal the show is take the same dress and the same nearly nude guys to Baku. (Yeah, I’m running out of comments, but this year really has too many ballads)

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Sweden, of course, has to give a shit, they’re freaking SWEDEN! And they prove it by sending the lovechild of Carola and a Shaolin monk. I don’t get the hype about this. I mean, yeah, it’s good and nice and sticky, and possibly winner quality, but I don’t get the whole amazing-and-orgasmic-and-sure-winner thing, when it’s all in the staging. It’s not like I’ll be mad if she wins, because she’s not that bad, but there are better songs this year.

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m a Joker

Like this, for example.

Nah, just kidding. This is the worst song of the contest, and that’s quite and achievement once you listen to Montenegro, Austria or San Marino. And earlier versions of this… thing, were even worse. This song makes me want to run and hide in Emmy’s cleavage. This song makes me want Justin Bieber to represent Georgia instead. This song makes me long for Dustin the Turkey. And now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna look away and pretend this song never happened.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love me Back

This is Turkey, not giving a shit because they know they’re gonna have lots of neighbor love from the host. The artist ain’t giving a shit either. Well, that, or he’s just having a seizure onstage. Or fleas. Or something.

And I can’t wait to see their show.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Gott Lepland? He’s handsome, he has a great voice and he’s singing a perfect song in his own language, because Estonia’s not giving a shit. I think a victory for this (understated show, non-English, sweet, slow ballad) would be the best thing that could happen to the contest. Man, every time I listen to this I like it even more. Gott Lepland? If not, what are you waiting for?

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t close your Eyes

Wow, a rock act. Nice. I’m amazed a Miro’s transformation (Yeah, his true name is Miroslav), in pictures he looks like he’s too pretty for a guy, but here he looks ax crazy. Being Slovakia, his only hope is to perform shirtless, of course. Not that I’ll complain, you know.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Well, the comparisons are inevitable: one has to thank Eric for single-handledy revitalizing the male soloist pop entry, and doing it quite well. Tooji’s song is better thanPopular on the lyrics, and at least as good on beat, but… Tooji’s no Eric.

And he has a lousy bridge, and seriously needs to get onstage with far less clothes. Maybe then we’ll be to busy looking at his arms (or chest, or…) to compare him with Eric Saade.

It took me nearly a year to reconcile with Popular, so I guess I’ll love this by 2013.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake ti Znam

I officially ran out of clever things to say. Another pleasant ballad with a nice flow. Also donkeys.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love is Blind

Young George Michael has a great voice, but needs to work on his diction and get abetter ending for his song. I would like him to get rid of the blindfold at the beginning (See? Eva Rivas had an apricot stone hidden in her hand, just like in the lyrics… no thanks). Besides that, this is perfect.

That closes it.

The five that MUST pass to the final:

Estonia, Bulgaria, Portugal, Netherlands and… yeah, Sweden. (Even if I’m tired of the hype, she deserves that spot)

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Ukraine and Georgia, for a start, and I’ll add Belarus, Slovenia and Bosnia & Herzegovina not because they’re bad, but because they didn’t impress me.

Five more to complete the finalists:

Serbia, Lithuania, Turkey, Norway, and… hum… Malta, I guess.

The cutest guy is a tie between Ott from Estonia and Donny from Lithuania (Damn! why didn’t  Latvia send in a cute guy to complete the Baltic Combo?) and the cutest girl… Joan Franka. But any of them would do, it’s not like any girl stands out.