This is Europe not giving a shit (Part 2)

We’re done witht he first semi, but there’s still one to go. Fortunately, most of the badness this year gathered in the first semi (That, or Iceland sucked all the quality out of their competitors, just like Die for you did with nearly all the 2001 contestants, winner included), so this semi is gonna be better. I promise.

(This post is gonna take several days, so if you’re here and I haven’t reached Lithuania, come back later)

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic – Nije Ljubav Stvar

Both previous Eurovision songs by Zeljko are pretty good, but this one falls a little short. I feel like the whole song works towards a climax that never arrives. I like it, but not as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i Belo

It needs a stronger end, but it’s anyway the closest we’re gonna find to a diva this year. See, Albania? This is how you screech a song.

Netherlands: Joan Franka -You and Me

This is Netherlands not giving a shit. They know it’s gonna be the same whatever they send, so why bother? Why not send Joan Baez.. sorry, Franka, with an Indian head-thingy and a nice song about puppy love? They can afford it because their chances are gone before they come. I like it, though. Once I get used to her being dressed like Sacajawea.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This is the Night

At first listening I didn’t like it that much, but on the second, it’s not that bad. A good tame disco with bland but enjoyable beat. Still, they had better things in their national final.

Belarus: Litesound – We are the Heroes

They were actually the runner-up in their national final, but since the winner was found to rig the votes… yeah, that. I wish I had something to say about this song.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida Minha

Well, now we’re talking. I don’t know why I love this, but I do. Of course, Portugal doesn’t give a shit for the same reasons Netherlands doesn’t, but they manage to get everything right anyway. Let’s just add some lights and flowers in their staging, and they’re done.

Ukraine: Gaitana -Be my guest

Ukraine is so not giving a shit they decided they better use the contest to make some product placement for some sports competition they’re co-hosting with Poland, so they’re sending… this. Gaitana got criticized for some Ukrainian folks who said she’s «too ethnic» to represent Ukraine.

How silly of them. They should criticize her because her song is awful and she sings badly. And now, everyone who says anything against her can and will be labeled as racist. Brilliant, guys. Now political correctness will force us to swallow this. Just brilliant.

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Aaaaaaannnddd… back on the track again! Bulgiaria just decided to add some Eastern taste to their song, since this year we’re all going East. I just hope they do a really heavy show for this song, like dancers with veils, water and fire rains, fireworks… and please, change the dress. It makes her boobs look like they’re in her waist.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Why does the backing singer remind me of Virginia Woolf? And why, in name of everything that can be named, is she wearing that on her head?

Oh, yeah, the song… WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD? And why the song makes me think of The Little Mermaid? It’s a nice array of voices the one they have here, though. BUT WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD?

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

I wish I had found the live performance in Dora, because Nina WAS actually wearing a veil-and-fan combination that would make Carola die of envy, and nailed all her notes live. All she needs to steal the show is take the same dress and the same nearly nude guys to Baku. (Yeah, I’m running out of comments, but this year really has too many ballads)

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Sweden, of course, has to give a shit, they’re freaking SWEDEN! And they prove it by sending the lovechild of Carola and a Shaolin monk. I don’t get the hype about this. I mean, yeah, it’s good and nice and sticky, and possibly winner quality, but I don’t get the whole amazing-and-orgasmic-and-sure-winner thing, when it’s all in the staging. It’s not like I’ll be mad if she wins, because she’s not that bad, but there are better songs this year.

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m a Joker

Like this, for example.

Nah, just kidding. This is the worst song of the contest, and that’s quite and achievement once you listen to Montenegro, Austria or San Marino. And earlier versions of this… thing, were even worse. This song makes me want to run and hide in Emmy’s cleavage. This song makes me want Justin Bieber to represent Georgia instead. This song makes me long for Dustin the Turkey. And now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna look away and pretend this song never happened.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love me Back

This is Turkey, not giving a shit because they know they’re gonna have lots of neighbor love from the host. The artist ain’t giving a shit either. Well, that, or he’s just having a seizure onstage. Or fleas. Or something.

And I can’t wait to see their show.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Gott Lepland? He’s handsome, he has a great voice and he’s singing a perfect song in his own language, because Estonia’s not giving a shit. I think a victory for this (understated show, non-English, sweet, slow ballad) would be the best thing that could happen to the contest. Man, every time I listen to this I like it even more. Gott Lepland? If not, what are you waiting for?

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t close your Eyes

Wow, a rock act. Nice. I’m amazed a Miro’s transformation (Yeah, his true name is Miroslav), in pictures he looks like he’s too pretty for a guy, but here he looks ax crazy. Being Slovakia, his only hope is to perform shirtless, of course. Not that I’ll complain, you know.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Well, the comparisons are inevitable: one has to thank Eric for single-handledy revitalizing the male soloist pop entry, and doing it quite well. Tooji’s song is better thanPopular on the lyrics, and at least as good on beat, but… Tooji’s no Eric.

And he has a lousy bridge, and seriously needs to get onstage with far less clothes. Maybe then we’ll be to busy looking at his arms (or chest, or…) to compare him with Eric Saade.

It took me nearly a year to reconcile with Popular, so I guess I’ll love this by 2013.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake ti Znam

I officially ran out of clever things to say. Another pleasant ballad with a nice flow. Also donkeys.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love is Blind

Young George Michael has a great voice, but needs to work on his diction and get abetter ending for his song. I would like him to get rid of the blindfold at the beginning (See? Eva Rivas had an apricot stone hidden in her hand, just like in the lyrics… no thanks). Besides that, this is perfect.

That closes it.

The five that MUST pass to the final:

Estonia, Bulgaria, Portugal, Netherlands and… yeah, Sweden. (Even if I’m tired of the hype, she deserves that spot)

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Ukraine and Georgia, for a start, and I’ll add Belarus, Slovenia and Bosnia & Herzegovina not because they’re bad, but because they didn’t impress me.

Five more to complete the finalists:

Serbia, Lithuania, Turkey, Norway, and… hum… Malta, I guess.

The cutest guy is a tie between Ott from Estonia and Donny from Lithuania (Damn! why didn’t  Latvia send in a cute guy to complete the Baltic Combo?) and the cutest girl… Joan Franka. But any of them would do, it’s not like any girl stands out.

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