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Are you f*cking kidding me, Sweden?

No, really. When Loreen won I wasn’t happy, but I mellowed a little when Swedifans said that this would be the BEST. YEAR. EVAH for the contest and stuff. Well, I said. Let’s give’em a chance.

And there were a few good things, like the part where both juries and public rank all the songs, or the way points will be announced. I liked it. But then…

And this is what we got:

– With the excuse of giving us a simpler, crisis-fit, more austere show, they made the contest in a stage that can barely hold a Melodivestivalen semifinal. Of course, the Melodifestivalen itself keeps getting done big-scale. Because you know, we’ve gotta have priorities.

– With the excuse of giving us a more exciting and varied show, the producers would handpick the running order. This proposal got mixed reactions all over Europe: Christer Bjorkman, the Melodifestivalen overlord, is said everywhere to use this (among other just as handy tricks) to boost or drown entries in the Melodi.

And this is what I mostly want to talk about. This proposal was approved by the Eurovision Reference Group (which, by the way, includes Bjorkman) to let the show producers (who, again, includes Bjorkman) to determine the running order. Which can make an entry shine if they receive a good placing, or fade if they get eclipsed by others. It’s a powerful tool and if properly used can have a big impact on the placing of an entry. I think if this had been proposed a year ago, with Azerbaijan hosting, it wouldn’t have been so well receive.

But you know, I’m f*cking Sweden and I’ll f*cking do what I f*cking want.

Once we knew the finalists, plus which half they had been sorted into, lots of people in a forum I visit predicted that Lithuania would be  second, Denmark would follow Hungary, and Denmark would perform last. Which all happened. Our criteria? The fact that they would appoint an already lost song to perform second, an upbeat song outside the favorites to close, and about Denmark… well…

This entire contest seems to have been not-so-subtly rigged in favor of Nordic countries, and, most specifially, Denmark. Three Nordics (Denmark, Finland and Norway) sang right before pauses in the semifinals, which would allow them to make more impact. If any country other than Denmark (besides Sweden itself) was mentioned by name by Lynda Woodruff in their interval skethces, while lines were open, I didn’t hear it.

And, paying attention to the running order, Denmark is placed between Hungary and Iceland, two slow-tempo, low-profile ballads which will give it a chance to really stand out . And right after Iceland it comes Azerbaijan, another not-too different ballad, also performed by a man, that if we followed their own reasoning should have been, by any capacity, apart from Iceland.

How about the competition?  Taking a look at the other favorites, they’re all placed in positions that wouldn’t do them any good. Azerbaijan,  Greece, Ukraine, Italy, Norway and Georgia go one after the other, so they’ll pretty much cancel each other out. Ukraine, the strongest in the bets, is placed right after the spotlight-stealing squad from Greece. Russia, the stronger entry from the first half of the final, will be followed by Germany, again, a contrast that probably won’t work in its benefit. Yeah, it hasn’t been proven, but it seriously doesn’t look good. The effect of these placements, even if slight, might be enough to topple things for or against a particular country if the race is close, and I really hate the idea of feeling that someone decided which side would it topple.

I feel kinda disillusioned with this year Eurovision, and yes, I blame Sweden. This entire thing seems to be too manipulated and dishonest for me. Of course, I will keep on watching because dammit, it’s Euro-f*cking-vision, but I can’t wait for the next year.

Wait, since probably this will work and I really don’t like the idea, make it the year after that. Please let’s all fast forward to Eurovision 2015, hopefully not in a Nordic country.

I don’t think this will be good for Emmelie, by the way. I don’t like her song, but I think she would have had enough to win it without all this seedy stuff, but that’s something we will never know. And, in case she wins, her victory, at least for me, will be forever tainted by the doubt. Did she…? What if…?

Eurovision review,: First semi of yawn.

I know, around… four months later? Whatever, the songs aren’t going anywhere,so here it is.

This is only a first semi review, which means only non qualifiers are shown. Aaaaanddd… here we go.

Since we’re only getting started, what a worse choice could we make than Rambo Amadeus from Montenegro, dressed like a cheap Nazgul? Seriously, they came back for this? I know he thinks he’s making a point, but seriously.

Then we have Iceland, who did their best to ruin ther song, and Greece who didn’t even need to do their best.

Dear Anmary, why did you replace your cowgirls with flight attendants? Why do you shake your boobs at us? And why…? Weirdweirdweird… you improved a lot since Eirodziesma, girl, but still I’m glad you didn’t qualify. Sorry. The problem isn’t you, or your dress (dazzling, baby!), but your horrible, lame, horrible song. You’re a wasted diva.

Then we have the least and the most danceworthy songs of the pack, one after the other, and then it’s time for Switzerland. It’s all a chain of swimagansteseem and unbreakable that, honestly, is really boring. I don’t get how can somebody call it a gem.

Belgium at least tried to build an atmosphere. Not saying I love her, but it’s a nice effort for a barely out of Junior Eurovision girl. Still, it’s quite forgettable, but not bad bad, just… plain.

Finland is maybe just as plain, but quite better done. Pernilla knows how to stand under a spotlight, can deliver a subtle and underhanded folk, and I’m pretty sure whe would have qualified had she worn a full length dress. But you can’t have everything. The only nonqualifier that I think was clearly good enough to deserve a spot in the final.

I’ll have two of whatever the guys from Israel had. Bouncing clocks, weird faces, random camerawork and the guys from the catwalk really whould jump in every performance of the contest. Not sure if they should have qualified, though.

San Marino, on the other had, is the only non qualifier that I think was bad enough to deserve a spot in the final, but I would’ven’t minded a little more open trolling. Still, I’m mad at Europe for not voting this.

Time for Cyprus, whom I glad they passed, Denmark that should have staid instead of Finland, Russia just because what the fuck, Switze… sorry, Hungary, and…

The last nonqualifier is Austria, which fullfilled all my expectatives. Too bad that I only expected the worst from them. Saying more would be painful.

The last two songs are weird-but-enjoyable-as-always Moldova, and weird-and-not-at-all-enjoyable Ireland. I’m actually surprised that most of the songs I loathed managed to stay on the semifinal, and most of my favorites passed. Thanks, Europe. But I’m still mad at you for not passing San Marino.

The interval acts was a truckload of drums and Azeri tapdancing, with more drums on the second half and some shots of Jedward headbanging and Eleftheria doing the sirtaki. I swear it’s more interesting than it sounds.

Let’s see how things go on the second semi.

Anything Goes.

No hay derecho a hacerme esto. Ya había comentado lo injusto que es vestir a Mr. Red de traje, y van y lo visten de MARINERO. Esto es cruel. Es… tortura. Es… ejem, centrémonos.

Anything Goes es lo que conseguiríamos si les diéramos el libreto de Titanic a los chicos de Smosh y les pidiéramos convertirlo en musical. Es tremendamente errático, todo el tiempo te deja pensando que TODO todo mundo tras bambalinas se volvió loco, y en resumen, es genial.

Un resumen de la trama. Nuestro valiente protagonista es un corredor de bolsa:

Por supuesto, el chico que la hace de protagonista se ve mejor que Rusell Crowe.

que se mete de polizón a un barco siguiendo a su amada, que está a punto de casarse por dinero con un Lord Inglés al que no ama.

Ok, estoy siendo un poco malvado. El lord es un personaje bastante más simpático que Jabba.

Se mete sin pasaporte, sin dinero, y dejando descuidada la venta de una empresa que le había encomendado su jefe. Que también va en el barco y tontea con la mamá de la amada del protagonista.

Añadamos unos personajes secundarios fabulosos: Moonface Norecuerdoqué, enemigo público número trece, desvergonzado profesional e interpretado por un robaescenas que sabía poner exactamente estas expresiones faciales:

Reno Sweeney, la evangelista más sexy de la televisión, interpretada por Music Angel (que salvo por que se le escuchaba la voz un tanto cansada en los agudos, brilló como nunca):

Dos chinos adictos al juego y al alcohol, la amiga de Moonface que se dedica a seducir marineros, el jefe del protagonista, la mamá de la amada, el lord inglés… creo que ningún personaje sobra, todos encajan para hacer… algo. Algo genial.

Y luego, pongamos música. con al menos dos canciones que no tenía idea de que fueran de aquí, pero que ya había visto antes, como «Make them laugh» y «You´re the top»:

Ahora, licuemos todo y sirvamos bien frío.

Todavía no estoy seguro de qué es lo que vi, pero me divertí como enano.

(Tengo pendientes tres posts sobre Eurovisión y uno sobre las elecciones. Pero ahora mismo el plan es una ensalada con tajín y pensar cómo voy a interpretar los datos de la tesis. Y tratar de conseguir que el teclado de la lap escriba en español, que es horrible no poder escribir eñes ni acentos en mi propia compu)

If I were an Eurovision country

These would be my points:

12: Iceland

10: Italy

8: Estonia

7: Greece

6: Cyprus

5: Portugal

4: Germany

3: Lithuania

2: Serbia

1: France

The winner quality club opens its doors to: Iceland, Estonia, Portugal, France and Italy.

The ones who fall a little short: Greece, because even I have to admit it’s too generic. Cyprus, because we’re still to see a good live delivery. Lithuania, because he HAS to fix his performance. Germany because his song is lacking something, I don’t know what, Serbia because he needs a stronger buildup, and Sweden because there’s no substance behind all that style.

Best song overall: Iceland, of course. I think we haven’t seen anything this good on this style since Greece 2001.

Best show overall on the preview: Quite predictably, Sweden.

Worst song overall: Georgia and Austria. I can’t pick one.

Shittiest song overall: I was about to say Austria, but no. San Marino.

Overall, the cutest guy is Ott Lepland from Estonia, and the hottest guy is Roman Lob from Germany. The cutest girl is Joan Franka from Netherlands and the hottest girl is Eleftheria from Greece, but it’s not like the female pool this year was that extraordinary.

This is Europe not giving a shit (Part 2)

We’re done witht he first semi, but there’s still one to go. Fortunately, most of the badness this year gathered in the first semi (That, or Iceland sucked all the quality out of their competitors, just like Die for you did with nearly all the 2001 contestants, winner included), so this semi is gonna be better. I promise.

(This post is gonna take several days, so if you’re here and I haven’t reached Lithuania, come back later)

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic – Nije Ljubav Stvar

Both previous Eurovision songs by Zeljko are pretty good, but this one falls a little short. I feel like the whole song works towards a climax that never arrives. I like it, but not as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i Belo

It needs a stronger end, but it’s anyway the closest we’re gonna find to a diva this year. See, Albania? This is how you screech a song.

Netherlands: Joan Franka -You and Me

This is Netherlands not giving a shit. They know it’s gonna be the same whatever they send, so why bother? Why not send Joan Baez.. sorry, Franka, with an Indian head-thingy and a nice song about puppy love? They can afford it because their chances are gone before they come. I like it, though. Once I get used to her being dressed like Sacajawea.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This is the Night

At first listening I didn’t like it that much, but on the second, it’s not that bad. A good tame disco with bland but enjoyable beat. Still, they had better things in their national final.

Belarus: Litesound – We are the Heroes

They were actually the runner-up in their national final, but since the winner was found to rig the votes… yeah, that. I wish I had something to say about this song.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida Minha

Well, now we’re talking. I don’t know why I love this, but I do. Of course, Portugal doesn’t give a shit for the same reasons Netherlands doesn’t, but they manage to get everything right anyway. Let’s just add some lights and flowers in their staging, and they’re done.

Ukraine: Gaitana -Be my guest

Ukraine is so not giving a shit they decided they better use the contest to make some product placement for some sports competition they’re co-hosting with Poland, so they’re sending… this. Gaitana got criticized for some Ukrainian folks who said she’s «too ethnic» to represent Ukraine.

How silly of them. They should criticize her because her song is awful and she sings badly. And now, everyone who says anything against her can and will be labeled as racist. Brilliant, guys. Now political correctness will force us to swallow this. Just brilliant.

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Aaaaaaannnddd… back on the track again! Bulgiaria just decided to add some Eastern taste to their song, since this year we’re all going East. I just hope they do a really heavy show for this song, like dancers with veils, water and fire rains, fireworks… and please, change the dress. It makes her boobs look like they’re in her waist.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Why does the backing singer remind me of Virginia Woolf? And why, in name of everything that can be named, is she wearing that on her head?

Oh, yeah, the song… WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD? And why the song makes me think of The Little Mermaid? It’s a nice array of voices the one they have here, though. BUT WHY IS SHE WEARING THAT ON HER HEAD?

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

I wish I had found the live performance in Dora, because Nina WAS actually wearing a veil-and-fan combination that would make Carola die of envy, and nailed all her notes live. All she needs to steal the show is take the same dress and the same nearly nude guys to Baku. (Yeah, I’m running out of comments, but this year really has too many ballads)

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Sweden, of course, has to give a shit, they’re freaking SWEDEN! And they prove it by sending the lovechild of Carola and a Shaolin monk. I don’t get the hype about this. I mean, yeah, it’s good and nice and sticky, and possibly winner quality, but I don’t get the whole amazing-and-orgasmic-and-sure-winner thing, when it’s all in the staging. It’s not like I’ll be mad if she wins, because she’s not that bad, but there are better songs this year.

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m a Joker

Like this, for example.

Nah, just kidding. This is the worst song of the contest, and that’s quite and achievement once you listen to Montenegro, Austria or San Marino. And earlier versions of this… thing, were even worse. This song makes me want to run and hide in Emmy’s cleavage. This song makes me want Justin Bieber to represent Georgia instead. This song makes me long for Dustin the Turkey. And now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna look away and pretend this song never happened.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love me Back

This is Turkey, not giving a shit because they know they’re gonna have lots of neighbor love from the host. The artist ain’t giving a shit either. Well, that, or he’s just having a seizure onstage. Or fleas. Or something.

And I can’t wait to see their show.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Gott Lepland? He’s handsome, he has a great voice and he’s singing a perfect song in his own language, because Estonia’s not giving a shit. I think a victory for this (understated show, non-English, sweet, slow ballad) would be the best thing that could happen to the contest. Man, every time I listen to this I like it even more. Gott Lepland? If not, what are you waiting for?

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t close your Eyes

Wow, a rock act. Nice. I’m amazed a Miro’s transformation (Yeah, his true name is Miroslav), in pictures he looks like he’s too pretty for a guy, but here he looks ax crazy. Being Slovakia, his only hope is to perform shirtless, of course. Not that I’ll complain, you know.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Well, the comparisons are inevitable: one has to thank Eric for single-handledy revitalizing the male soloist pop entry, and doing it quite well. Tooji’s song is better thanPopular on the lyrics, and at least as good on beat, but… Tooji’s no Eric.

And he has a lousy bridge, and seriously needs to get onstage with far less clothes. Maybe then we’ll be to busy looking at his arms (or chest, or…) to compare him with Eric Saade.

It took me nearly a year to reconcile with Popular, so I guess I’ll love this by 2013.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake ti Znam

I officially ran out of clever things to say. Another pleasant ballad with a nice flow. Also donkeys.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love is Blind

Young George Michael has a great voice, but needs to work on his diction and get abetter ending for his song. I would like him to get rid of the blindfold at the beginning (See? Eva Rivas had an apricot stone hidden in her hand, just like in the lyrics… no thanks). Besides that, this is perfect.

That closes it.

The five that MUST pass to the final:

Estonia, Bulgaria, Portugal, Netherlands and… yeah, Sweden. (Even if I’m tired of the hype, she deserves that spot)

The five that better sink in oblivion:

Ukraine and Georgia, for a start, and I’ll add Belarus, Slovenia and Bosnia & Herzegovina not because they’re bad, but because they didn’t impress me.

Five more to complete the finalists:

Serbia, Lithuania, Turkey, Norway, and… hum… Malta, I guess.

The cutest guy is a tie between Ott from Estonia and Donny from Lithuania (Damn! why didn’t  Latvia send in a cute guy to complete the Baltic Combo?) and the cutest girl… Joan Franka. But any of them would do, it’s not like any girl stands out.

Open letter to the 53%

USA is a nation full of slobs.

I’m sorry, but that’s the only conclusion I can reach after fourteen pages of The 53.

Let me tell you my own story:

I was born second of five brothers. During the ’96 crisis, all of our school uniforms and nearly all re rest of our clothes were hand-me-downs. But my mother had heatlh insurance in her work, and when we got sick, we were covered by it.

On my first part-time job, health insurance was paid in equal parts from deductions of my salary, from the company I worked for, and from the government. After four months of working, I was diagnosed with a hernia. I got a surgery and three weeks, fully paid, to recover.

It’s in our Constitution: everybody is elligible for healthcare programs subsidized by the government. It’s slow and has a big overload of people, but it works. And if you work for a company that pays its taxes, you enter the healthcare system I was in. That’s where our taxes go.

I was working while I was on the university, but I wasn’t working to pay the university. I was in a public university, and the semestral tuition is like… one and a half cents of dollar. The rest is paid by the government: that’s where our taxes go.

Have you seen the movie The Big Gay Musical? The protagonist, Paul, is feeling lonely and contacts a call boy, and upon being asked why did he engage in prostitution, he answers:

«I’m from Seattle. I go to New York State University, and this… this is how I pay for it».

I was shocked. Not because he did it, but because someone HAD to do it, and said it as a matter of fact, just like it.

When I went to The53 website and saw people talking about working through all college, or getting loans and then spending the next 15 years paying for them, and I was amazed. Not because they were able to do that, but because they had to do that. Where I live, over one million students can go to public universities with tuitions of less than 100 dollars per semester.

I’ve never, EVER, known anyone who has to work two jobs to support their family. NEVER.  Both my parents work one job each, and with that we could eat, dress, buy a half-built house, finish building it, and me and my four brothers went to university. Both of them have eight days of fully paid vacation per year, which they can take whenever they need. Plus Christmas and New Year vacations and national festivities.

I live in a city where disabled and elderly people ride the subway for free.

I live in Mexico. All my life, I’ve lived here. This is what we call middle class in Mexico.

You’ve got a problem, USA.

I know, there’s poor people here too, and they are really fucked up. That’s why lots of them cross the river and work for you, USA. I’m not denying that. I admit that they have a lot more opportunities in USA to get out of poverty.

But the problem is that it works both ways: you have a lot more possibilities to end in poverty there, too. I’ve never, ever, met someone who lost their house because their son got cancer. Or because their father lost their job (remember Sam from Glee? That doesn’t happen here)


How can it be that a country so small and poor, compared to USA, crippled by the drug war and with blatant poverty, manage to grant a great share of their citizens a level of security (in terms of health, house and education) that USA doesn’t?

Trust me, you’re not gonna like the answer.

Here’s the first half.

And here’s the second half.

That’s right. The money you pay with your taxes is being used by the government to save corporations deemed as «too big to fail». Then, the corporations keep the same dynamic that led them to be rescued in the first time, keep the same leaders, give them a rise, and go on knowing that they will be saved if needed, again.

That’s what the 99% movement is going against. They don’t want your money in their pockets. They want everybody’s money (including yours) out of Wall Street’s pockets.

You say that you don’t want your money taken away from you and given to improductive sectors of society, who don’t even mind paying their taxes.

Then why do you allow exactly that to happen? The Wall Street enterprises pay a lot less in taxes than people who work for them (including janitors and secretaries with two jobs that belong to the 53%… that’s you, by the way). And if they need it, they receive money from the government (that got it from everybody who pays taxes… that’s you again, I think) with the promise of paying it off when they are profitable again, which could be never, because… well, they keep on charge the same people that screwed them for a start and give them raises.

That is happening to your money. You say Wall Street doesn’t owe you nothing. I think they do. They owe you what was taken from you to rescue them. And you, you owe NOTHING to them, so you shouldn’t let them do it. It’s your money what they’re using to save themselves, without giving you ANYTHING fromit.

You pay your taxes. Part of it comes back to you in the form of street maintenance, public lighting, etc. But not all of it. Lots of money are given to people who didn’t work for it, who didn’t do anything to deserve it and who are not giving you back ANYTHING. And that’s not the 99%, no. Those people are Wall Street.

That money should be going back to you and your children, in the form of healthcare, university funding, transport subsidies, and those other things that you lack, even working so hard, and that even middle class Mexicans can have.

Or, if you don’t want the government to give it to you, and prefer to get it by your own effort, then the money to make it happen shouldn’t be taken from you in the first place, and definitely shouldn’t go to someone who does not deserve it.

It shouldn’t be going to Wall Street.

That’s what the 99% are protesting for. They don’t want to have your money. They want YOU to have your money, themselves to have their own money, and Wall Street to get their (and only their) money.

They don’t want communism. They want justice.

Cuatro cosas que me habría gustado que me dijeran antes de entrar al gimnasio.

1.- No es sólo el gimnasio.
En serio, sólo ir al gimnasio, por mucho que uno trabaje, no alcanza. Hace falta un cambio completo de actitud y hábitos para hacerlo rendir.

2.- Vas a sentirte inadecuado.
En serio. Prácticamente cualquiera ahí va a ir más avanzado, por la simple y sencilla razón de que llevan más tiempo. (Por eso es que estás entrando, después de todo). La mayoría, sin embargo, son bastante buenas personas, pero aún así…

3.- A nadie le importa.
En serio, por muy inadecuado que te sientas, prácticamente todos en el gimnasio están ocupados en sus propios asuntos, y no les importa si tienes pelo en las piernas, sobrepeso o brazos huesudos. Mira a tu alrededor. ¿Ves a alguien mirándote?

Fin del asunto.

4.- Nadie tiene la verdad absoluta.
Éste es probablemente el más importante. Entre los entrenadores, los propios compañeros de ejercicio, libros e internet, hay una sobrecarga de información brutal, con consejos variados y muchas veces contradictorios. Ése es el momento en que es importante recordar que cada persona habla o escribe desde su propia perspectiva.

La única regla universal: mientras más dogmáticamente sea presentado un consejo, más hay que desconfiar de él.

Frases para la posteridad presenta

«El problema de ser la hermana del primer ministro es que pone tu vida bajo una perspectiva muy dura. ¿Qué hizo mi hermano hoy? Luchó por su país. ¿Y yo? Yo hice la cabeza de una langosta en papel maché.

Love actually, que mi hermano  me está obligando a verla y es GENIAL.

Frases para la posteridad presenta:

«Está bien, hagamos que el amor nos patee el trasero».

Love Actually

Eurovision Review. The Final: True musicians.

Disclaimer: This will get updated a LOT. School calls. So, if you see I haven’t reached Georgia and the Marcel Bezencon Awards, come back in a couple weeks.

I got stood up for the final. I invited four friends and only one came over. I invited my cousin and my brother to have the perspective of some straight males, but my brother stopped to drink a glass of soda and left. And my cousin was asleep. So there were we, a couple gay guys with more soda we could drink, ready to have fun.

TVE got rid (thanks) of Uribarri, and instead brought us some guy named Iñigo. He’s nice and doesn’t try to make the whole damn thing revolve around him, but he never shuts up. Ever. At first it’s annoying (it’s not like they’re paying him for talking, is it?), but when I discover that spares me of Stefan joking with Ange it becomes super. Oh, yeah, Iñigo, talk to me!

The show starts with Ange and Judith proving their dresses are not for walking, while Stefan redeems himself by showing Satellite can actually sound good. You better do it, guy, because you’re to blame for that song winning. Rock it is actually the least you can do. Suddenly, a bunch of Lenas join him onstage, and then the real Lena appears too. This is all about her, damn it. If she wins again, the next stage is gonna have the shape of her face. And I’ll have nightmares forever.

Aaaaaaanddd… Ready… Set…

Finland, again, is giving us the most underrated song of the year and doing it with total class. C’mon, Europe! He’s a cute guy singing about saving the world! How can you NOT fall in love with him? I don’t get it. At all.

21st. The first song in the final, and justice is already dead. What hopes have we got then?

Dino calls from one side of the stage. A girl responds, and the next take reveals that they’re missing each other by… ok, they’re almost back to back. It all goes downhill from there, in a quite hilarious way if you ask me. The fake piano playing, the guitar holding, the jumps, and the triangle man, oh, the triangle man! He might be even better than the crotchsax players Moldova sent last year. The curtains are pretty cool, too, and then there’s group waving and they blow kisses to the camera. Not in the big leagues, but not so bad either.

6th. A little excesive if you ask me.

Denmark is sending Jedward’s older brother. Of course, he’s so embarrased of them that he’ll deny it, but the hair betrays him. Apparently, he’s trying to do sign language, and forgot to go to the bathroom before performing. Besides that, this is great. I’m glad they bought the balls.

5th. Well done, Denmark.

Lithuania has lots of rack, lots of ass, enough sign language to make us feel back in the naughties and a dress even worse than those of Ange and Judith. And an impossibly Disney camerawork. C’mon, when’s the movie? If the graphics are decent, I’d love it, I’m sure. Besides, it has a sorrow/tomorrow rhyme. That, people, is not an Eurovision classic: it’ s a universal music, neverending forever classic. Even Barbra Streisand did it once.

19th. Higher than Finland, believe it or not.

For reasons only known to God and the dress director, Katy Wolf from Hungary is wearing a cute little hat on her finger, her dress ends where most skirts usually start, and her backing performers have lights on their bodies. Crotches included. This is utterly fabulous, I tell you. And she really can sing. Even if it’s so… something, it’s a must.

22nd. What? Katy, you were robbed, honey, ROBBED!

Ireland is using the LEDs to proyect an  80’s James Bond opening, and then gives us the perfect James Bond villains: Creepy twins with weird hair! I hope there are producers watching this, because this guys are a freaking goldmine. And someone (maybe Iñigo?) lets us know that they’re entering because they want to be recognized everywhere they go. I knew they were evil: First Eurovision, then the world!

8th. Someone shoot them, please.

What are you doing, Sweden? You’re ruining a perfectly good Eric Saade! If he’s so cute and hot and yummy, why do you have to give him such an abominable song and sucky choreography? Not even my vain and shallow side responds to this, and that’s much to say. Believe it or  not, the most they show are their shoulders… add the Big Eye of Sauron watching from behind, and this is officially lost for me.

3rd. 3RD? Are you fucking kidding me, Europe?

Estonia has magic tricks! And gummy buildings popping in the background! Oh, this is sooooo colorful and senseless that it actually becomes cute, but everyone here has weird faces (Getter the most) that make me think they’re actually evil. Maybe they will team up with Jedward to conquer the world.

24th. And whe was supposed to be a frontrunner. Sigh.

Greece sent Loukas Giorkas with a beautiful traditional ballad, but somehow a guy keeps messing with the song and music and  interrupting Loukas every time he tries to sing. And no one, NO ONE, does anything to stop this vandalism. Where’s security when you need them?

7th. Greece, apparently, is determined to prove that this is all a big fat joke.

Thanks, Russia, for waking us up! Even if you waste a great opportunity to show us chests, got leds on your shoes, and apparently didn’t have enough LED screens and had to bring a pair of your own, you’re catchy and likable. And unitnentionally funny, specially when Alex & Company try to entice us showing us their glowing backs Last time I checked, that was sexy for abyssal fishes in heat. Which I’m not.

I loved the Ah! at the end. Sounds like a soda ad, doesn’t it?

16th. The worst result Russia has had in like forever. I hope he’s not punished that hard: he’s too hot for Siberia.

Amaury Vassili from France forgot his hair and had to borrow some from Dana International. Also, there was a failure that let us know that the LED screen runs on Windows. But his main problem is neither of those, no. His main problem is that he misses the first note he sings. And the second. And the fourth. From then on, he slides into desperation, trying to regain his nerves and failing. At the end, after what surely was the longest three minutes of his life, he gives us the most tortured smile ever.

15th. Poor dude.

Before Italy starts, Iñigo informs us that this singer is a true musician. What the hell is he doing here? Besides that, now I know in every song I will be wondering wether I’m seeing a true musician. You just ruined Eurovision for me, Iñigo, thank you very much.

This really begs to be listened while drinking on a bar. He yells like crap, but hey, he has the True Musician Seal granted by Iñigo, so it’s okay.

And to prove it, he comes SECOND. Europe really needs Italy’s money, don’t they?

Switzerland is going all Carebears and fluff on us. Look, they have colored clouds in the background, and stars, and bubbles! Bubbles, for God’s love! It only needs some rainbows and unicorns to be perfect. Anna loosened up a bit, and became quite lovely on her own, akward way. Wow.

Aaaaaandddd… last! 25th! Damn you, Europe, this was adorkable!

The guys from United Kingdom bring four extra LED screens for their act. And then… they thought it was a good idea to display digitally enhanced images of themselves for us to compare. Brilliant! And, since they’re a huge group with songs on the charts and stuff, probably they’re even true musicians.

Eleventh. Say thank you, boys.

I think I’m high, or… no, I’m not high. Moldova is just doing… something. Totally absurd. Dear God. Funny nonsense, right, and I find myself repelled and fascinated by the lollypop gnomes in the background.

Twelfth.WHAT. Doesn’t matter, actually. I would have said that whatever they placed.

Lena needs a full-force exorcism. And, after what she’s done there, the whole stage might use one as well.I don’t know what’s scarier, her face, her dancers, or the dancers projections in the screen.

Tenth. No, of course she’s not a true musician. She’s a nightmare in stilettos.

The lead singer from Romania is good on the eyes. He’s also full of himself enough to be a tease, but not enought to be a bother, and he looks at the camera like he knows exactly what I want. I know it’s the cheapest trick of them all, but what an I say, I’m human.

My friend complains that this is the third song in the night about saving the world, but my brain can’t process it right now. It’s too busy stripping David Bryan. Wow. Then there comes a sing-and-clap-along-moment. Romania clearly loves their dirty tricks this year.

17th. You were awesome, Romania!

Austria is being totally perfect! This is how you should sing a Disney Ballad. Whoah, I love you, Austria, this is great!

18th, because Europe is blind and deaf.

And there he comes Azerbaijan, opening with an big white octopus! Yeah, not anything we haven’t seen before, but it’s all quite neatly done. They spent the first half of the song without even realizing the other is in the same country, let alone in the same stage. And they only touch in the last 30 seconds. And the choreography is dull, but somehow they manage to make it all fit perfectly.

Winner! Does that mean they’re true musicians?

With a singer like the one Slovenia has, the song doesn’t matter. It’s just a pretext to put inexistant thorned orchids on the screen and spend three minutes watching Maja look hot dressed in gold and plastic and spinning her wrist. Which she does like no one (Oh look at me I’m so clever).


Iceland has… well… a coffee bar band, I guess. Not bad, but not outstanding, either. They’re nice, and that’s all. Not even the gay kiss (dullest gay kiss ever, btw) can give more life to this.

20th. Whatever.

Spain is rubbing on Europe’s face that, if they can’t get the best placing, at least they have the best sun and sand and parties. Don’t let the lack of a true song fool you, this girl is a true singer. You can’t tell it because she takes what could be a BoomBoomtastic act and turns it into a great thing. I loved every single camp, fabulous, terrific second of this!

23rd. No kidding! Europe deserves to die.

If you thought Dima Bilan had crossed the line with his ice skater, wait till you see this: Ukraine has Maleficent doing sand drawings. What’s next? Cooking, kniting, sculpting? I better not give them ideas. However, it helps distracting us and making us forget how bad it sounds in English. Crystal white? Really? Since when crystal is white? She does a better eagle than Aurela, though. Also, it took an eternity to start (and by that I mean fifteen seconds)

4th. Seriously? I can’t believe this.

Serbia’s committed to rock the house down. And if that means they have to trigger epileptic attacs over all Europe, so be it. There are no words to say how great this is. How totally, absolutely, completely, unbeatably great this is. I love you, Serbia!

14th. Like really, Europe, what the heck’s wrong with you?

And then it comes Georgia’s combo of Amy Winehouse plus Stereo Mike and honestly, the less you say about them, the better.

And they get ninth somehow. Damn it.

Then comes the voting. My friend and I do a little coferencing after the first votes, and we decide we don’t want Popular to win, so we cheer for anybody else. People boo when other countries do the shameless yearly point exchange, but get wild when Germany and neighbours do the same. I love seeing all familiar faces: Dima, Ruslana, Sofia, Safura, that guy from Miodio, and Aisha, whom I hate when she tries to sing, but whom I love instantly for the magnificent way whe slaps Eric on the face in literally the last possible moment.

So that was it. My personal top 5 was:

1. Serbia

2. Finland

3. Azerbaijan

4. Romania

5. Hungary

The couch’s top five was:

1. Serbia

2. Azerbaijan

3. Spain

4. Finland

5. A tie between Romania and Austria.

And the special awards were:

Marcel Bezencon’s Press Award goes to… Finland! Congrats, Oskar!

Marcel Bezencon’s Comentator Award is for… Ireland!

And the Composer Award goes to France. As a consolation prize. I felt an evil pleasure watching him whine when he received his last 12 points from Belgium.

Finally, the Barbara Dex Award went to Georgia. I would have given it to Ireland, but still is a deserved award.