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Eurovision review. Semi 2: Good nonsense.

I watched the first semi because it was holiday in Mexico and I had the day off. But in the second I had school, so this is all going to be commented from youtube videos.

On the bright side, I almost didn’t have to hear Stefan and Ange. A little, yeah, because I could wander off and see the very end of the semi, but I was spared of most of their bad humour. Thank God.

And, if the theme for the first semi was legs, the theme for the second is the What The Factor. You know, when you’re left wondering What The…?

Exactly that. It starts with a sober Dino Merlin from Bosnia and a gorgeous Nadine Beiler from Austria. Bot passed, so…

Netherlands has pretty boring nonsense. The song is mildly good, but the staging is a waste of a white suit. Even if it’s 100% Bee Gees and has Val Kilmer on the guitar, it’s too dead. Sorry, Netherlands. Try Vader Abraham again next year.

No, not qualifying.

Belgium didn’t get the memo that vocal groups never work in Eurovision, and is giving us a totally classy nonsense. With no music, no antics, and quite an interesting act. If it serves as a consolation, I like them, but somehow they manage to make their three minutes last twice the other countries’.

Neither. Get the memo, Belgium!

Slovakia kidnapped Nikki from Azerbaijan! And cloned her! No, wait, it’s Twiins. They’re not even giving us nonsense. Meh. At least they have pretty dresses.

No, not qualifying. Sorry, Slovakia.

Then we have Ukraine with sand drawing, the most ourageous nonsense on the night by Moldova, and Eric Saade, he of the Disney Channel fame, from Sweden. All of them passing.

Cyprus has giant shiny lollypops and black diamonds on the background. And a shouting woman. I’ve got to admit they did a great job bringing to life a dead and buried song. They also got Michael Jackson’s magic shoes and great arms. Quite nice, actually.

Not qualifying, I don’t know if for good or bad.

Bulgaria has water and full force fans. But she left the keytar at home, which makes me sad. Still, she’s good. Even when she starts jumping like Aurela Gace, but with class. Weird, but classy.

Not qualifying. What? Maybe if she had sung in English…

Aaaandddd… Macedonia gets the award for best nonsense of the year, for delivering us a giant spinning cube with “Rusinka” on cyrilics, a spiral in the floor, and that guy… oh, that guy! Just look at him! He doesn’t know he’s on Eurovision, he doesn’t know what Eurovision is, and probably he doesn’t even know he’s live. He just knows he has a guitar in his hands and a microphone infront of him, and that he has to ROCK!

MUSIKA!

Not qualifying. This was awful, but enticing. I don’t like you, Europe.

Dana International, from Israel, singing Ding Dong. I have no words to say how disappointed I am right now.

No, not because she didn’t pass, but because she didn’t deserve to pass. (I know, I can’t believe I said it either). Look at her, she’s commiting every single unforgivable Eurovision sin there is. The camerawork is mediocre, the dress is awful and no, she wasn’t having a bad hair day. She was having a HORRIBLE hair day. Yeah, she rocks the stage, but honestly, you would expect a lot more from La Diva.

Not qualifying. Sorry, Dana, but you earned it. I feel really, absolutely, totaly betrayed by my two favourites this year.

Then we have Maja Keuc from Slovenia, who stole Magdalena’s outfit and attitude, a hot guy from Romania and cute nonsense from Estonia. All of them passed.

Anna Vinnikova loves Belarus, clearly. Also, she clearly had no clue of what to do with a LED screen. But the problem here is neither one. The problem here is that whenever one of the backing singers opens her mouth, she sounds bad BAD. But if this was an instrumental, I would have loved Belarus, no doubt of that.

Nope, not qualifying.

Someone commented on youtube: “I love Belarus, got a dick inside.” Now go, listen to the song, and try not to think about it. You’ll fail.

The dudes from Latvia knew you had to improve your song for Eurovision, so they did a brave and daring move: they swapped positions.

Just kidding, they didn’t. Only a camera trick, see? The song is e-x-a-c-t-l-y like it was in the national final: the same pointless lyrics, the same dumb moves and the same clothes. I hope at least they washed and ironed them for the ocassion. Oh, bravo, fake rap. The lead can really sing, but why, why this song?

Not passing. Figures.

And then a guy without back on his shirt from Denmark (glad to see they brought the balls) and the Scary Twins from Ireland. The intermission was a strange mix of ballet, classic music and breakdance. Pretty more interesting than the drums they used for first semi. Oh, and by the way, Ange, “Buenas Tardes” does NOT mean “Good night” in Spanish.

Off to the final!

 

Eurovision review. Semi 1: Legs get down to business!

Here we go. In the middle of my final exams and with a lot to catch up with, so this will go really slow. If you enter here and there are less than nineteen songs, come back in a week. Or three.

The theme for this semi were, of course, girl’s legs. On all sizes and shapes, most of them gorgeous… so there:

The only channel broadcasting Eurovision here in Mexico was TVE, and only the one that transmitted the final, so I had to watch all of it online. It was nice, because… no comentators! Yeah! Still, I have to put up with Stefan and Ange trying to be funny, but nobody said life would be perfect.

And we open with Magdalena Tul, from Poland, singing Jestem. See what I told you? Legs. Apparently, Poland decided they didn’t have money to host the next contest, so they took away all the coolnes they could. They took away the leather, the full force acrobatics, half the choreography, and if they didn’t take away the song and the singer is because they didn’t have money for a fine either. I feel so let down right now.

Not qualifying, and what can I say… I understand it.

The next legs to grace our stage belong to Norway’s Stella Mwangi with Haba Haba. That’s a very nice use of LED’s going back there, you see. And the song is cute.

I still don’t get why she didn’t pass. Maybe the dress. I’m sure if she sits on that dress she’s  not gonna notice the floor.

Albania sends Aurela Gace, less scary than I thought she’d be and with a great LED show, but the rest is pretty forgettable, even with the fireworks, fog and massive use of fans. It’s supposed to be eagle-themed, but Aurela ruins it with her body language.

Not qualifying. Meh.

Armenia. Dear God. What can you do if you’re the Ultimate Armenian Pop Diva, and they send you to Eurovision with the Ultimate Armenian Pop Shit? Well, Emmy quickly realized that there’s no need to waste her skills, so she’s gonna save face and make clear that if she’s making a fool of herself in front of twenty countries, it’s because she can… Look at her, sitting on a box glove bigger than her and with her name on diamonds, with boxers (pity that they stayed covered, btw) and the stupidest use of LEDs we’re gonna see, having a ball and basically giving us all the finger. How great is that?

Suck on that, Europe, Emmy is big enough to sing crap at your face!

Oh, yeah, and… LEGS!

Not qualifying. She did all she could, but this song was Doom Doomed since the beginning (oh, look at me I’m so clever)

Someone commented on Youtube:  (.)(.) Nice.

Turkey, on the other hand, is prety artsy. You can tell because they’re singing rock! No legs here, sorry. Just a bunch of dudes who didn’t bother on picking their outfits. Barbara Dex Award for them? Maybe.

Something moves on a cage behind the lead singer. I think it was against the rules to bring animals onstage, but when we see the face, it becomes clear it’s not an animal. Neither human: it’s a Cirque du Soleil artist, twisting in anguish, trying to make us understand her agony.

Oh, look, there’s also a Theremin! That’s awesome. The thing goes on for a couple minutes more, and then the prisoner grows wings and breaks free. Then she strangles her captors with her feet and flies away, but we can’t see it because they cut to the next postcard.

Not qualifying. How could they? They’re dead. See, Turkey, that’s why you shouldn’t mess with Cirque du Soleil artists.

Then we had the Pink Ladies from Serbia and the T-Birds from Russia, more legs from Switzerland, a bad rock group by Georgia and the cutest song of the year from Finland. All of them qualified, so I’m not gonna discuss them here.

Malta is overdoing the eyebrows and underdoing the outfits. Sadly, this kind of things don’t cancel each other out. The song is like Born This Way, but sung by a dude and plainer. Humm… no, thanks. A big gay act needs a big gay song. This is good for a little gay song, but falls  short for Eurovision. Bether luck on the nightclub circuit, Glen, you deserve it.

Not qualifying. As I said, he belongs with the nightclubs.

Senit knows her act is dead before she starts, so she can do whatever she wants. Including having bad hair, half showing her legs, going crazy with the fog and, giving us a quality song. I bet Chiara’s throwing things at the TV. This is so her style it hurts.

Not qualifying, of course. She was totally robbed.

Daria, from Croatia.

LEGS!… ejem, let’s be professional.

Croatia was robbed AGAIN. Damn you, Europe. They saw nobody else was going to do clothes changes, so they did TWO so we got our share of these as well as magic tricks, fireworks, disco beat and, in a nutshell, distilled Euroshit of the best kind, and this is how you pay them?

Of course, the last dress is from when her mother was her age (or may be from when Lilian Gish was her age), but still this is the coolest thing we’re gonna see on the night. Not to mention that she’s the only one daring to use the catwalk.I can almost hear all the other artists in the green room:

Stella: Wait… you could use the catwalk?

Evelina: Use the catwalk? WHY for God’s love would you do that?

Paradise Oskar: Are you telling me you could move?

(By the way, a friend of mine spotted a Mexican flag when she went downt to the catwalk. I don’t know who that bastard is, but I hate them. I sould be there, not them)

Not qualifying. I don’t love you, Europe.

Then we have a bunch of soft Icelandic dudes with a soft Icelandic ballad, and a Hungarian housemom gone disco. Both qualified.

Portugal is shouting a big “Fuck you” in the face of Europe, and doing it in the worst… best… worst… possible way. The point of this song, is of course, to be pointless and ridiculous, but at the same time, making a point so serious that it’s forbidden in Eurovision. And they do it. Wow.

Also, random camerawork and no stage tricks.Where do you think you are, folks? This is bloody Eurovision!

Qualify? With this shown like this? In your dreams!

Someone commented in youtube: Okay, what has Portugal been smoking?

Then we had the last round of qualifiers: Lithuania, Azerbaijan, and (sigh) Greece. Yup. We got rid of Turkey and Armenia, two of the traditional heavyweights, but Greece apparently was too much to ask. Well, at least Finland and Serbia passed.

Off to semi 2!

Coping with the copying.

If I had two faces, I’d be  double facepalming right now.

The Irish guys are acusing the British ones of betraying their fans.

The Russian dude is acusing the Swedish lad of stealing his live show.

Then, someone said he also stole his drumbeats of some Caribbean act.

And Sweden tried to divert the atention by acusing the Danish blokes of stealing their entire song from some Melodifestivalen entrant of a couple years ago.

In other news, the Azerbaijani song somehow got stuck in my head, even if I have my doubts about the performance. I’m rooting for them, actually.

And Emmy (who turned out to be quite a capable singer when the song calls for it) made Boom Boom a guilty pleasure for me. There’s no way to save the song and I feel really bad… but I kinda like it.

Now, let’s go in order.

First of all, Jedward, grow up. That kind of thing is the most subjective one and really, only Blue’s fans can judge if they have been betrayed.

Second, the live show thing… This is (supposedly) a SONG contest, so you can copy as much as you want of a show, concept or choreography as long as it’s not copyrighted.

Some samples of the “Girl with two backing dancers wearing dark and a dazzling choreography” thing:

Carola, 1991.

Selma, 1999

Alsou, 2000

Guri Schanke, 2008

Or how about some “Indie singer with a guitar and an idealistic ballad”?

Nicole, 1982

Walters and Kazha, 2005

Anna Bergendahl and Tom Dice, 2010 (We could debate about the true indieness of Tom, but he fits the concept)

Paradise Oskar, 2011

And let’s not even start with Helena, Ruslana, Kristina and that stuff.

So there.

The acusations of song copying are way more serious… after all, this is supposed to be a song contest. Let’s be clear:

It’s true that “New tomorrow” sounds like a slow version of “Sing for life”… in the chorus.

And it’s true that the drums on “Popular” sound a lot alike the palms on “Mr. Rasputin”.

But ripping off is not the same thing that stealing… specially when both the Danish and Swedish acts are blatant ripoffs of Love Shine a Light. I’m willing to bet we can find more acts with the same beat than Popular and Mr. Rasputin.

Edit: Turns out there is. From 34 years ago, no less.

So there.

Listos para Eurovisión: Semifinal I

Aquí vamos otra vez:  Eurovisión 2011! Cada año lo espero con más ansias que la Navidad, y no decepciona. Este año, por cierto, hay muy pocas canciones mediocres: casi todas son brutalmente buenas o brutalmente malas.

Polonia: Magdalena Tul – Jestem

Si soy gay, ¿Por qué me excita esto? ¿Por qué?

Oh, claro… mi lado pasivo BDSM. El año no podría empezar mejor: una dominatriz con una canción pegajosa, que te hace sentir su tacón en tu cuello. Si esto no gana Europa se merece otra Peste Negra.

Noruega: Stella Mwgangi – Haba Haba

Les advertimos que había que detener el calentamiento global. Miren esto: Noruega se convirtió en un país tropical,y está mandando un número que parece sacado directamente de El Rey León, sólo que no tan Disney. No se preocupen, tenemos mucho Disney más adelante.

Y por cierto: hacen falta senos para bailar esta canción. No se puede sin algo que se mueva y rebote en… ahí. Pobres de los bailarines hombres, esto debe ser una tortura para ellos.

Albania: Aurela Gace – Feel the Passion.

¿Qué es esto? ¿Por qué están mandando algo así? De verdad me asusta. Lo siento, pero voy a taparme los ojos mientras esta mujer esté en el escenario.

Armenia: Emmy – Boom Boom.

Dios mío, si ibas a permitir que mandaran una canción tan mierdosa al festival, ¿Por qué no me hiciste lo bastante fuerte para odiarla? Creo que es la canción de peor gusto en los últimos diez años (salvo por la serbia del año pasado), y aún así me gusta. Necesito terapia.

Turquía: Yuksek Sadakat – Live it up.

Honestamente, me cuesta trabajo agarrarles el gusto a las canciones turcas. Incluso Manga y Mor ve Otessi, que son realmente buenas, me tomaron meses. Así que esta canción se quedará esperando hasta… hum… Octubre o algo así.

Serbia: Nina – Čaroban

¡Y Serbia se hace perdonar instantáneamente por lo que hicieron el año pasado! No tengo idea de a qué década viajaron para conseguir esta canción (¿Setentas, cincuentas? Da igual) pero me ENCANTA.

Rusia: Alexey Vorobyov – Get you.

El primer gran acto pop de la noche: Megacoreografía, disco a todo volumen, un ejemplar perfecto de hombre eslavo, ¿Qué más le podemos pedir a la vida? Aparte, claro, de que se quite la camisa. Yclaro, si mandando un acto abominable como el del año pasado quedaron undécimos, es seguro que este año quedan entre los primeros 5.

Suiza: Anna Rossinelli – In love for a while

Que Lena le haya funcionado a Alemania no significa que un clon suyo vaya a funcionarle a Suiza, en especial cuando es dolorosamente obvio que no sabe qué hacer con sus pies, ni con su expresión, ni, sobretodo, con sus manos. Pausa para el baño.

Georgia: Eldrine – One More Day.

Por eso, niños y niñas, es que si tienen una buena canción no deben mezclarla con rap: Porque se echa completamente a perder. Qué pena, con lo buena que era la artista que mandaron el año pasado.

Finlandia: Paradise Oskar – Da da dam.

No, no es una copia del belga del año pasado: Es mono, tiene bonita voz, y a diferencia del belga, éste sí se atreve a subir solo al escenario.

Malta: Glen Vella – One Life

¡Y aquí tenemos el primer gran acto gay de la noche! No es guapo, no tiene tan buena voz, pero definitivamente sabe moverse. De cualquier forma, no es mi favorito ni de lejos, pero no está taaaaan mal.

San Marino: Senit – Stand by

Yep, San Marino. Ése país chiquitito que hasta hace mucho no podía entrar porque no tenía un canal de televisión propio, y cuando lo consiguieron no pudieron participar más de una vez porque era más de lo que podían gastar. Los está representando una italiana (Con una canción de la que Chiara estaría orgullosa, y montones de clase, y ojalá se ponga un vestido hermoso porque la canción lo merece) porque si se limitaran a enviar artistas de San Marino tendrían que enviar al mismo todos los años.

Croacia: Daria Kinzer – Celebrate.

Aquí va, el segundo gran acto pop de la noche. Es bueno, pero el voto político podría jugar en su contra. Casi todos los amigos de Croacia están en la otra semifinal.

Islandia: Sigurjon’s friends – Coming home.

Es un tributo a Sigurjón Brink, un cantante islandés que murió poco antes de la final nacional. Siendo tan melosa y con un título como ese, un buen publicista puede hacer maravillas con esa historia. Falta ver si consiguen colársela a Europa.

Hungría: Kati Wolf – What about my dreams?

A diferencia de San Marino (E Italia, ya lo veremos luego), Hungría realmente SABE cómo regresar al concurso por la puerta grande. Mientras no se le ocurra llevar su botella de agua al escenario, preveo un top 10 para ella.

Portugal: Homens da luta – Luta e alegria

Si Portugal, Portugal entre todos los países posibles, está mandando un acto cómico, es que la situación realmente está grave. Y además consiguieron colar esto en el concurso siendo política pura: Es lo bueno de que nadie más en Europa hable tu idioma.

Lituania: Evelina Sasenko – C’est ma vie

El Disney que le faltaba a la noruega lo tiene la lituana: Mucho, mucho Disney. Lo único que no es Disney es el vestido, que es como Disney pero con transparencias. Espantoso. La canción es  bonita, pero al igual que con Suiza, bastante olvidable. Segunda pausa para el baño.

Azerbaiyán: Eli & Nikki – Running scared

Es evidente que Nikki es demasiado mujer para Eli. Ven, Eli, te prometo que va a irte mejor en nuestro equipo. Otros que tienen un top 10 seguro, y podemos apostar que vamos a ver viento, luces, escaleras y ropas blancas flotantes. Acepto apuestas .

Grecia: Loukas Giorkas featuring Stereo Mike – Watch my dance

¿Qué parte de “No hay que mezclar buenas canciones con rap cuesta trabajo entender? Y en este caso es aún peor porque la canción, sin el rap, de verdad vale la pena. Es bellísima. Qué pena, Grecia.

(Y pensar que pudieron haber enviado a  La hermana menor de Magdalena y no lo hicieron)

Obviamente, Azerbaiyán, Rusia, Turquía y Grecia van a pasar. Los otros seis me gustaría que fueran Polonia, Croacia, Hungría, Noruega, Serbia y, como soñar es gratis, Finlandia.

Mis finalistas ideales serían todos esos, excepto Turquía y Grecia. En su lugar pondría a San Marino y Portugal. (No, no porque sea bueno, sino porque amaría ver esa cosa en una final de Eurovisión)

Eurovision preview: Semi II

Here we go. This is gonna get updated several times before I end, because (Insert random excuses mostly related to school)

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Dino Merlin – Love in rewind

Watch, kids: This is why you shouldn’t drink before performing. Got it? The song is great: melancholic, but not depressing, and he’s not that bad as a singer, though.

Austria: Nadine Beiler – The secret is love

Do we have a candidate for best stage show in this semi? Yes, we do! And a second Disney Ballad, in case we didn’t have enough with Lithuania. And please, please, please, Nadine, keep the dress. Not that it could help you, but it’s gorgeous.

Austria, I love the song, and it’s good to see that you still know how to put on a scene show, but you seem a little out of practice. How about some Rounder  Girls next year?

Netherlands: 3JS – Never alone

Dude. Haircut, shower and nail clipping. NOW. And while you’re at it, also get a good wardrobe. You can keep the song if you want. But after going epic last year with Sha-la-lie, it’s obvious that Netherlands needs a rest. (And not, I’m not being sarcastic. Sha-la-lie is awesome and STFU)

Belgium: Witloof Bay – With love baby

This is… well… interesting. I’m speechless, literally. It’s obvious they’re not gonna get anything, but I like having them here. As I said, it’s… interesting.

Slovakia: Twiins – I’m still alive

There you go: like “I love Belarus”, but a little more subtle. With verse… no, chorus, no… what is that? I gave it all the chances I could and still can’t find any sense in it. Sorry, Twiins. Try a catchy pop song next year.

Ukraine: Mika Newton – Angel

You know, it’s not an Ukranian national final if they don’t at least risk a fine. Here Johanna… sorry, Mika, was acused of bribing the judges and manipulating the phone votes, just a couple hours after she was pronounced the winner. Then, after a swarm of protests, the broadcaster announced a new final, with the top three performers on the previous one. And then the two challengers withdrew and Mika said she wanted to change her song. All of this, less than a week before deadline.

The broadcaster decided they already had enough troubles and rejected the proposal, sending her with the English version. I liked a lot better he Ukranian one.  It sounds sweeter, and the wedding cake she’s standing on is great. I want the old version back! And the wedding cake too!

Still, she’s not this year’s Alyosha. Wait and see.

Moldova: Zdob si Zdub – So lucky

What the hell?  Yeah, Ollia Tira proved bad taste can be turned into art, but this is going a little bit too far. A big lot too far, actually, with hats and bad lyrics and a monocycling fairy. Guys, you better give us something more similar to the official video, with nipples and abs and a lead singer looking like Reese Rideout (DON’T GOOGLE THAT NAME IF YOU’RE AT WORK) . Please?

Sweden: Eric Saade – Popular

Oh, my. You can really tell at a first glance to this that not passing to the final last year really, truly, absolutely hurt the Swede hearts. This year they picked something that’s gonna qualify for sure.

But, even with cute guy and heavy show… “Don’t tell me that’s impossible, ‘cause I know it’s possible”? You must be kidding me, Eric. How am I supposed to take seriously a song that starts like this, honey?

Cyprus: Christos Mylordos – San aggelos s’agapissas

Wow! Look!, A song that’s not in English! Greek, actually, and it couldn’t get any more Greek. On first listening it sounds gorgeous, but on second and following, it’s too plain. Sorry, Cyprus. You get kudos for being one of the few countries daring to sing not in English, but I’m pretty sure that’s all you’re gonna get.

Bulgaria: Poli Genova  – Na inat.

Wow, two non-English songs in a row. Damn. Pink… I mean, Poli’s got here a pretty average song, but with a brilliant concept for stage show. I like her, in a Roxette kind of way. And I want a keytar.

Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

Is  it just me, or after the first minute this song is all chorus? An all hilarious too, with the choreography, the magical accordion who sounds even when no one is playing it, the choreography, the fact that his throat is gonna be really sore the next day and, again, the choreography. Anyway, dude’s hot. I want to see him shirtless.

And with this, wev’e finished the full non-English songs in this semi.

Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong

When you’re Dana Motherfucking International and won with a song like Diva, you’ve got nothing left to prove. But Dana’s gonna prove it anyway because she’s that cool. Man, I love her.

Slovenia: Maja Keuc – No one.

NOW you’re getting it, Slovenia. See how easy is it, to admit that unless you’re Greece or Turkey you don’t have any hope with a folk act?  Maja is effective. Not outstanding, but effective. And you got me on the looks department. Love ya.

Romania: Hotel FM – Change.

I can almost hear the stage director: “Braces, a bow tie, fedoras… how can we make this any more vintage?

I know! Let’s add TRUMPETS!”

And then, when you see the baterist has a checkered fedora, and the takes, and the choreography, it officially passes from vintage to Mr. Sandman. Eat your heart out, Simon Matthew, you have been out-vintaged!

Estonia: Getter Jaani – Rockefeller street.

Hum… excuse me, but what the hell was that? I don’t get what’s it supposed to be about, I don’t get the dance, I don’t get the dress, the skyscrapers, the counting and… well, everything. The only think that makes sense here are the good looking dancers and the awesome magic tricks. Oh, and the move from verse to chorus is the smoothest thing I’ve heard in my life. But those sparks of brilliance are drowned from the general nonsense.

Belarus: Anastasia Vinnikova – I love Belarus

Aaaaaandddd… salute this year’s Alyosha: Anastasia won the national final with a song named Born in Belorussia. The song made some comparisons between Belarus and the U.S.S.R, and the EBU, unwilling to talk about a country that does not exist anymore, urged the broadcaster to change it.

They changed the lyrics and retitled it to I am Belarusian. And then, it was revealed that the song was performed around ESC 2010 time and there’s video of it. Anastasia tried to say it was not the same song because the lyrics had been changed, but nobody bought it.

This is the point in which Alyosha pulled a completely different song out her sleeve, but Anastasia has a lot more nerve. She (well, the songwriters, to be fair) revamped and twisted the music and lyrics until it could truly be considered a different song, and renamed it I love Belarus.

The worst part? I’m willing to forgive her anything if she features enough of the gorgeous instrument that sounds in the opening. I forgave the  cheesy lyrics since the very first incarnation of the song. Every country should be allowed to fap to it’s own coolness every now and then.

Latvia: Musiqq – Angel in disguise.

Sigh. Why, Latvia, why do you keep doing this to me? If you’ve got so many great artists on your national final, why do you always pick the weakest one? Inn 2009 you had Aisha at her best and Kristina Zaharova with a song by Martins, and chose Intars. In 2010 you had Lauris, Ivo and again Kristina, this time at her best, and went for Aisha at her worst. And now you had Ivo, who just needed to get rid of his stupid suit, Dace Upite, twice, and… well Lauris, not at his best but as hot as ever, and voted this. Really, Latvia?

You’re making harder and harder to keep loving you.

Denmark: A Friend in London – New Tomorrow

Douze pointe from United Kingdom just for the reference!

Let’s start with what’s really important: THE. BALLS. MUST. GO. TO. DÜSSELDORF. I won’t take no for an answer.

These guys are Katrina and the Waves plus testosterone. It could work with a good stage show (I know you can do it, Denmark, because you did last year).

(Oh, and I watched also the second placer, and she’s also incredible. When you have two finalists as good as these two, you know you’re doing something right, Denmark)

Ireland: Jedward – Lipstick.

It depends on Aurela Gace’s live show wether she or Jedward will get the title to Creepiest Mindfuck of the Year. Well, there’s also Lena…

The only reason I forgive Jedward all their… them, is because they’re the first Irish act that truly sound like twenty first century, and because they’re the gayest thing we’re gonna see this year.

That’s it, nineteen people. Time to go with:

The five that should absolutely qualify to the final: Austria, Israel, Bulgaria, Slovenia and Denmark.

The five who really shouldn´t: Slovakia, Cyprus, Latvia, and… it’s harder to choose in this semi, but Netherlands, and Moldova unless they go shirtless and drop the hats.

Five more to complete the finalists: Romania, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Sweden, Belarus and Estonia.

Best female singer: Maja Keuc from Slovenia.

Worst female singer: TWiiNS. Not that bad, but they didn’t impress me.

Best male singer: Dino Merlin, from Bosnia & Herzegovina.

Worst male singer: just for the thought of how much his throat’s gonna hurt, Vlatko Ilievski, from Macedonia. (Or FYROM, to avoid being lynched)

Best song: Ding Dong, by Dana International from Israel

Worst song: San Aggelos s’agapissas, by Christos Mylordos from Cyprus.

Best idea onstage: The keytar from Na Inat, by Poli Genova.

Stupidest idea onstage: The hats Zdob si Zdub were wearing.

And, for a beauty pageant:

Best looks on a guy: Eric Saade, followed by Dino Merlin. That’s what I call to age with class.

Hottest guy: Vlatko Ilievski.

Cutest guy:  Pick at random one of Getter Jaani’s dancers.

Honorable mention to Eric Saade as runner-up in the those categories.

Best looks on a girl: Mika Newton.

Hottest girl: Maja Keuc.

Cutest girl: Nadine Beiler.

Like it also happened last year, most of the songs I find interesting were on the first semi. This one has more fillers, and less of the wow factor. The only act of this semi that I actually root for is Dana International. Go Dana!

Eurovision 2011, preview of Semi 1

Is this time of the year! No, not Christmas: even better. It’s Eurovision Season!

So, here we go again, with the preview for the first semi.

(This will get updated several times until I end. School calls)

Poland: Magdalena Tul – Jestem

If I’m gay, why am I attracted to this? She’s… wow. If this doesn’t win, Europe will deserve another Black Plague.

Norway: Stella Mwgangi – Haba Haba

We told you. We warned you, and you didn’t listen. Now it’s too late: global warming is here and Norway thinks they’re a tropical country, sending a black girl with splendid legs and a song who really needs some zebras onstage. Kinda The Lion King, but without the Disney. Don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of Disney in some other songs.

And one more thing: you need boobs to dance to this. I tried, and you can’t do it without some jiggling and bouncing up there. Maybe I should get a pair of boobs.

Albania: Aurela Gace – Feel the Passion.

I’m scared. Why are they sending this woman? Why are they sending this song? She really, really scares me. The song isn’t that bad, though, but I’m not gonna watch the performance.

Armenia: Emmy – Boom Boom.

Oooookay. We couldn’t even watch five songs without stepping on the first shitty song of the year. The worst part is that I don’t hate it. I know if you give me a little time, I might end up liking it, and I don’t want to because, man, this is sooooo crappy.

Turkey: Yuksek Sadakat – Live it up.

Just as any other Turkish act, but a little plainer. Although I can’t tell for sure: after all, it took me a couple months to start to appreciate Manga, or Mor ve Otessi, so I’ll wait and give this another chance. In October, maybe.

Serbia: Nina – Čaroban

Thank you, Serbia, with all my heart, for bringing the 80’s back in all their glory. Or are they the 50’s? Any way, I love this. All the ugly things I said about Milan, forget them. I love you, Serbia!

Russia: Alexey Vorobyov – Get you.

Alexey is a grown up Bartas. Shut up, you know it’s true, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The chorus is awfully catchy and he’s good for the eyes. If sending what they sent last year barely missed top ten, we can bet Alexey will make it top five. I just will cross my fingers for a shirtless performance.

Switzerland: Anna Rossinelli – In love for a while

Anna is this year’s Lena with a dye job. The same akward body language, the same bad accent… she’s more 2010!Lena than 2011!Lena herself. The song is pleasant, but not on the big leagues. Bathroom break time, perhaps.

Georgia: Eldrine – One More Day.

There should be a law against ruinning good songs by adding rap to them. Rap alone is good… or at least not bad. And power rock ballads are good. But the mix is the wrongest thing in the world. Why, Eldrine, why?

Finland: Paradise Oskar – Da da dam.

Paradise Oskar is NOT this year’s Tom Dice. First, because he is way cuter than Tom. And second, because he’s way more authentic than Tom. This is The Real Thing. The True Him And His Guitar Thing. If you want him to be this year’s someone, try this year’s Jon Lilygreen. Or Valters & Kazha. Or Nicole. (Of course, I have a weak spot for indie cute boys with guitars, so I can’t be unbiased. Sorry)

He could also be this year’s Alyosha for the idealistic, environmental message… except that there’s a better candidate for that title. Oh, and by the way, have I already say how much do I love the Finnish stages? Go Oskar!

Malta: Glen Vella – One Life

Glen Vella is the closest to Deen we’re gonna see this year, with a little bit of Jens Hartwig. That pretty much sums it all.

San Marino: Senit – Stand by

Welcome back, San Marino! And WOW, way to come back: with a song that would make Chiara proud, a great singer and tons of class. And with a song like this, I’m pretty sure she’s gonna have the most gorgeous dress on the night. Just lose the shades, please.

Croatia: Daria Kinzer – Celebrate.

Oh, my. It has enough quality to pass, I guess. I just hope block voting doesn’t play against it.

Iceland: Sigurjon’s friends – Coming home.

Here’s the story: Sigurjon Brink was a beloved Icelandic singer, who was racing to represent his country with this song, but suddenly he died. That means, his lovability factor raised up to eleven. Then six of his friends teamed up to perform the song in the national finals under the name of “Sigurjon’s friends”.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a publicist’s wet dream. And if it wasn’t good enough, the song is named “Coming home”, and is a sweet, tender ballad. The kind of song that can perfectly be performed as a tribute. Of course, they crushed the competition in the national finals, but I’m not sure if Europe’s gonna buy it. If Latvia had done this with Martins Freimanis I totally would, I know.

Hungary: Kati Wolf – What about my dreams?

If we judge by Hungary and San Marino, leaving and coming back is a really good thing. What about my dreams is this year’s Je ne sais quoi. A powerful song with a woman strong enough to sing it. I just hope she leaves the water bottle at home.

Portugal: Homens da luta – Luta e alegria

The end of the world is upon us: Portugal, from all countries, is sending a joke act. With lots of Village People and some drops of Brotherhood of Man. Anyway, I want them to win just to see next year’s context happen in that stage. It’s beautiful.

Lithuania: Evelina Sasenko – C’est ma vie

I promised you Disney, right? There you go, a big bucket full of Disney, with a big Disney light show and a big Disney dress. Well, almost Disney: she needs to drop the transparencies. You can’t show your legs if you’re singing a Disney Ballad, Evelina!

Azerbaijan: Eli & Nikki – Running scared

Azerbaijan really, really wants a victory, that’s for sure. They’ve been trying everything they can think of, and one of these years they’re gonna win. Maybe Eli and his big sister can take the crown home, I’m not sure. What I’m sure is we can expect lots of fanwork, stairs, a heavy lightshow, and if both of them dress in white and Eli shows some skin I will die happy.

Greece: Loukas Giorkas featuring Stereo Mike – Watch my dance

Greece, I know you have top ten guaranteed, but at least you could try to put some effort. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Giorgios. The worst part is that the guy who sings in Greek has the perfect voice to sing in Greek. Is the rap what truly ruins the song. Since they’re gonna make it top ten, all I can do is hope for them to sink to tenth place.

(And to think they had Magdalena’s little sister and didn’t send her)

So… that’s it. Nineteen people, from which:

The five who I totally want to pass to the final: Poland, Norway, Serbia, Finland and Hungary.

The five who should better stay here: Greece, Georgia, Malta, Albania and Turkey.

Let’s see, five more to complete the finalists: Russia, Croatia, San Marino, Azerbaijan and, just for my evil pleasure, Portugal.

Best female singer: Kati Wolf, from Hungary.

Worst female singer: No one is outstandingly bad, but Emmy sounds pretty annoying.

Best male singer: Loukas Giorkas (why, Greece, why the song?)

Worst male singer: Again, by elimination, it would be Glen Vella, from Malta.

Best song: Jestem, by Magdalena Tul of Poland.

Worst song: One more day, by Eldrine, from Georgia.

Best idea onstage: Everything about Jestem. It’s unbeatable.

Stupidest idea onstage: Everything about Luta e Alegria, by Portugal. Although Kati Wolf could surpass it if she carried a water bottle onstage.

And for the beauty pageant:

Best looks on a guy: Paradise Oskar

Cutest guy: Do I really need to say it?

Hottest guy: Sigh. Nobody is particularly hot this semi, so… Loukas, I guess.

Best looks on a girl: Nina, from Serbia.

Cutest girl: Stella from Norway. (Also, award for best legs)

Hottest girl: Magdalena Tul, fuck yeah!

So… we have a huge amount of female singers. And an even huger amount of English songs. And, looking at it, this is a pretty good semi, with lots of good songs and very few bad. (I’m not counting “shitty” as bad. Shitty songs are part of the Eurovision charm)

Off to semi 2!!!

Querido diario:

Hoy fue la primera lluvia del año.

Frases para la posteridad presenta:

“Es difícil ser una puta. Por mucho que me esfuerce, no lo consigo”.

Escuchada en una fiesta.

Big Culo Day 2011

Cada Big Culo Day que pasa, el blog está en una dirección diferente. Espero que esta vez dure más que de costumbre.

Y digamos que el post va a tener que ser muuucho más corto y menos cuidado que de costumbre, porque ya es tarde. Técnicamente, ya es 16 de febrero en México, pero estoy seguro de que todavía es 15… en Alaska o algo así.

(Pero claro, no puede uno dejar pasar el Big Culo Day)

El resto, detrás del cut. Aviso: Es un trasero de hombre. Y MUY sexy. Quien no quiera verlo, que no haga click en el enlace.

Sigue leyendo

Frases para la posteridad presenta:

“Tus genes tienen un problema. Bueno, no, mis genes tienen un problema. Bueno, tampoco, pero simplemente no quiero compartirlos contigo.”

Una compañera de trabajo.